F%$@ it! I'll just be fat!

A couple of weeks ago I was out doing NSDLP (non-sexual domestic life partner) thangs with my former-NSDLP when she very eloquently stated the very thing I was afraid to admit I was thinking. "This morning I was just ready to give up and be fat". Boom. There it was. The exact thing I'd been thinking, but hadn't realized I was thinking.

It just gets so damn tedious - trying to change our whole life.

There are so many people that just live a healthy life. Always have. Their typical life schedule is - wake up, work out, healthy breakfast, work, healthy lunch, salad, to bed. The schedule may be different, but the events are still the same. The gym is just a part of their daily schedule - just something they have to do, like I have to go to work. The sauces just always go on the side. There is no need for cheese, because they just don't care for the taste. Ranch dressing is not even on the radar. Vegetables are their food of choice. Always positive decisions - but for them they aren't even really decisions. It's just what they do. It's their life. Healthy, healthy, healthy.

Then there's my life. EVERYTHING has to change. Nothing about my life is set up for health success. Every choice I make during the day has to have a different outcome than it used to. Yes, I still have to get up. Yes, I still have to go to work. But every other decision has to be different. Breakfast - no! the drive-thru won't do! Get up earlier, so I have time to make something. Lunch - no! running out to grab something quick isn't the way to handle it. Bring something healthy-ish. Dinner - Pick up something on the way home from work. NO!!! Make myself something that's good for me. Workout - - when!?!? Between all this working and damn cooking, when do I have time for that?

So there are moments...or long stretches of time...where just throwing in the towel seems like the best option. Well, maybe not the best - but definitely the easiest, decision. The daunting task of trying to fight every natural urge you have becomes too much. When the supposed-to-be-simple task of just living your life starts to feel like a second/exhausting job that you don't remember applying for, and you most certainly you mis-read the "tasks and duties" listed. Just surrendering to the familiar and the easy seems totally worth it. You've been living this life for a while, and it isn't that bad! Most of the time you're even relatively happy.

But then you remember why you started all of this in the first place. Maybe you decided on your own that it was time to make a change. Maybe your family all got together and were certain you were going to drop dead if you didn't make some drastic changes. Maybe you were diagnosed with something - diabetes, etc - where your medical condition made the choice for you. Whatever the reason - you made a choice at some point to make some changes. And if you're honest with yourself - those reasons still exist.

My biggest reasons for starting: wanting to feel better, wanting to be in better shape, wanting to not live in fear of the seating (airplane, movie, chairs with sides, tiny booths, stadium seating, etc), the desire to stop editing things out of my life because they might be uncomfortable or impossible in my current condition - - all of that crap is still here, staring me in the face. And if I stop allowing laziness to rule me, I still very much want to be a healthy person. I want to do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want, without having to factor in how my FUPA will inhibit me.

So enough of this crap. I'm done talking about re-committing myself, and I'm actually going to do it. I'm going to figure out how to fit it all in. Yes, yes - my poor couch and TV will miss me, but they'll adjust. And there are TVs down in the gym. So the time has come to stop making excuses about why I can't fit everything in, and making it fit in. Time to stop talking about it, and actually do it. I will be using "myfitnesspal.com" (user name: slimdowntosexy) to track myself (food & exercise) - and by using, I mean actually tracking myself honestly - not just talking about it.

I've regained my desire to do this. I've regained the belief in myself that I can do this. I'm going to get healthy, and I'm going to f%&*ing fantastic! Please join me....

the greatest chicken

Shout out to Danielle for turning me on to "skinny crock pot" on facebook. I'm more than a bit handicapped in the kitchen, so recipes involving my beloved crock pot are appreciated!!

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter, you have inevitably read about "chili lime fajitas". They are magnificent in both their taste, and the ease with which they are prepared. I must share the recipe with you now....

* put 1 pound of raw chicken breasts in the bottom of your crockpot
* mix 3 tbls fresh lime juice with 1 tbls chili powder, and then pour over the chicken
* cook chicken on low for 4-6 hours
* remove chicken, shred it, and return it to the crockpot (it's so tender it literally falls apart!!)
* add 1 cup salsa and 1 cup frozen corn kernels (thawed) + anything else you like - - I've cut up a green pepper and tomatoes and thrown them in
* mix it all together, and let it cook for 1/2 hour
* CHOW!!

Eat it on tortillas, or big lettuce leafs. Add guacamole, Greek yogurt, jalapeños and a little cheese. Delicious you guys....seriously!

Go follow "Skinny Crock Pot" on Facebook, and let me know what other recipes you try!! The recipes are in the "photos". It's the first comment on the picture.

They're right! I'm NOT a dog....

Hang onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen. I'm about to share a secret with you - and I'm certain it will be a shocker. I reward myself with food. There. I said it...or wrote it...you get the idea.

• If I workout, I can have that bag of Cheetos. 
• If lose enough weight to drop a size, I get to have pizza. (seriously - what sense does that make!??!!) 
• If I'm good Monday - Friday, I can have a cheat day on Saturday, and eat whatever I want. 

It isn't just me! And it isn't even people that are all my size. There's a guy on the local sports station in the morning who talks about his "cheat" day. He also talks about how much he loves food. He also talks about how much time he spends on the treadmill. It would appear he's better at finding the balance than I am. So I know I'm not alone. But I also know how much I tend to do this - use food as the carrot...only a carrot w/ higher-than-average fat content, that has probably also been deep-fried.

And then I saw this. Holy shit, you guys! I've totally been rewarding myself like a dog. Roll over, you get a treat. Shake, get a treat. Come in the house rather than running through the neighborhood, get a really big treat. It spoke to me on such a level, that I needed to personalize it. I'm thinking about how I can get it blown up, and put on my fridge. Seriously. What the hell am I doing?

For a person with an issue, which I quite obviously have, with food - the last thing I should be using as a reward is food. Would you reward a gambling addict with a trip to the casino? Unlikely. Would you toast the recovering alcoholic with champagne? Probably not. So what the hell am I thinking? Turning the issue into the bonus isn't healthy. So enough of that crap. If I feel like I really need something that's bad for me, I'll have it - and try to have it in moderation. Expecting to never crave or consume unhealthy food, is completely unrealistic. But I won't set up circumstances where I "earn" the indulgence. I can see now that that's just perpetuating the issue.

I'm not a dog. I won't continue to treat myself like one.