F%$@ it! I'll just be fat!

A couple of weeks ago I was out doing NSDLP (non-sexual domestic life partner) thangs with my former-NSDLP when she very eloquently stated the very thing I was afraid to admit I was thinking. "This morning I was just ready to give up and be fat". Boom. There it was. The exact thing I'd been thinking, but hadn't realized I was thinking.

It just gets so damn tedious - trying to change our whole life.

There are so many people that just live a healthy life. Always have. Their typical life schedule is - wake up, work out, healthy breakfast, work, healthy lunch, salad, to bed. The schedule may be different, but the events are still the same. The gym is just a part of their daily schedule - just something they have to do, like I have to go to work. The sauces just always go on the side. There is no need for cheese, because they just don't care for the taste. Ranch dressing is not even on the radar. Vegetables are their food of choice. Always positive decisions - but for them they aren't even really decisions. It's just what they do. It's their life. Healthy, healthy, healthy.

Then there's my life. EVERYTHING has to change. Nothing about my life is set up for health success. Every choice I make during the day has to have a different outcome than it used to. Yes, I still have to get up. Yes, I still have to go to work. But every other decision has to be different. Breakfast - no! the drive-thru won't do! Get up earlier, so I have time to make something. Lunch - no! running out to grab something quick isn't the way to handle it. Bring something healthy-ish. Dinner - Pick up something on the way home from work. NO!!! Make myself something that's good for me. Workout - - when!?!? Between all this working and damn cooking, when do I have time for that?

So there are moments...or long stretches of time...where just throwing in the towel seems like the best option. Well, maybe not the best - but definitely the easiest, decision. The daunting task of trying to fight every natural urge you have becomes too much. When the supposed-to-be-simple task of just living your life starts to feel like a second/exhausting job that you don't remember applying for, and you most certainly you mis-read the "tasks and duties" listed. Just surrendering to the familiar and the easy seems totally worth it. You've been living this life for a while, and it isn't that bad! Most of the time you're even relatively happy.

But then you remember why you started all of this in the first place. Maybe you decided on your own that it was time to make a change. Maybe your family all got together and were certain you were going to drop dead if you didn't make some drastic changes. Maybe you were diagnosed with something - diabetes, etc - where your medical condition made the choice for you. Whatever the reason - you made a choice at some point to make some changes. And if you're honest with yourself - those reasons still exist.

My biggest reasons for starting: wanting to feel better, wanting to be in better shape, wanting to not live in fear of the seating (airplane, movie, chairs with sides, tiny booths, stadium seating, etc), the desire to stop editing things out of my life because they might be uncomfortable or impossible in my current condition - - all of that crap is still here, staring me in the face. And if I stop allowing laziness to rule me, I still very much want to be a healthy person. I want to do whatever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want, without having to factor in how my FUPA will inhibit me.

So enough of this crap. I'm done talking about re-committing myself, and I'm actually going to do it. I'm going to figure out how to fit it all in. Yes, yes - my poor couch and TV will miss me, but they'll adjust. And there are TVs down in the gym. So the time has come to stop making excuses about why I can't fit everything in, and making it fit in. Time to stop talking about it, and actually do it. I will be using "myfitnesspal.com" (user name: slimdowntosexy) to track myself (food & exercise) - and by using, I mean actually tracking myself honestly - not just talking about it.

I've regained my desire to do this. I've regained the belief in myself that I can do this. I'm going to get healthy, and I'm going to f%&*ing fantastic! Please join me....

two steps forward....what seems like a million back....

I realize this won't be news to you guys - but I hadnt written consistently, for months. I am truly feeling invigorated, and ready to start spilling again.

Last weekend was great for many reasons. I went out and had some fun with friends i hadnt hung out with in months. I met a completely oblivious jackwagon, who unknowingly propelled me to write again (see my last post). I got to catch up with old co-workers that I hadnt seen in a couple of years. And best of all - I think I finally put this stall into perspective.

I felt like if I wasn't making headway (losing weight), I had no business writing this blog. If I wasnt working out, I had nothing to share. If I wasn't eating a healthy diet of lean protein and leafy greens, I should keep my trap shut. If I didn't decide I was going to get healthy, and accomplish that goal with unwavering precision, I didn't have anything people woJuld want to read.

But this weekend something dawned on me - - people who go from being extremely overweight to fit - with no set-backs, no stall-outs, no mini (or not-so-mini) hiatuses (or would it be hiat-I?) from their healthful endeavors - are very rare. There are the occasional machines who decide they're going to get healthy, and just do. But I think most people follow a similar path to mine - super-motivated, lose weight, lose some motivation, stall out, gain weight, get it back together, lose weight, gain weight, gain more weight, lose weight. Yo-yo dieting is a term for a reason. Why do you think all of these diet plans try and boast their "__% have kept the weight off for 2+ years!!!!" statistics? I'll tell you why - because it's fucking hard! Because looking at it as a diet is a recipe for disaster in the first place. Because we're human, and completely changing your life - even when you know it will be great for you, and you'll feel better - is not like flipping a switch. It's like a constant damn battle against your mind and your taste buds and the people in your life who can eat whatever they want and your laziness and your willingness to not fight for yourself and that bitch in your brain that keeps telling you you can't do it. It never ends. There are days where it's easier than others - where talking yourself into a workout is easy, and brussel sprouts sound delicious. But the ugly truth is, those days are few and far between - and they become fewer and farther the louder that bitch in your brain gets. And she can get rowdy!

But I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not the only one who struggles. Who feels like she's losing more days than she's winning. But who is also willing to lace up her shoes and continue to fight. Because I am worth it. And health is possible. And I have you guys. And so I'm going to write. And I'm going to be honest with you about what I'm going through. The good, the bad, and the (often) ugly. Because I know I'm not alone, and I know some of you can relate. And I hope you'll continue to stick with me, and enjoy my antics.

So let's do this shit, you guys. We can do this. We deserve to do this. And I'm going to be a baaaaad-ass bitch when this is all said and done. I'd love it if you'd join me.

getting it together

The last 15 months have been a festival of challenges - all self-created - but challenges none-the-less. I had some things to sort out in this life of mine. I found myself unemployed, in debt and unmotivated. I fluctuated between feelings of frustration, helplessness, panic and annoyance about 95% of the time. I felt like there was no way to fix it, and the pressure I was putting on myself to come up with a solution was crippling.

About two months ago it came to a head. With the help of my family and friends - I finally figured out how to dig myself out. I am almost completely debt free, and that is an amazing feeling. I didn't really realize how negatively my debt was affecting me until it was gone. Now I am so optimistic! I feel like I'm on the verge of being responsible. I feel like, for the first time in years, I am finally moving in the right direction in all aspects of my life. I am just certain that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to.

I finally have my resume put together, and will be looking for jobs. (I am open to suggestions =)) I know it is a really crappy time to be searching for a job - but I'm not sweating it. Something fantastic is going to present itself.


There is absolutely no replacement for the feeling of getting your crap together!! I feel motivated - to go to the gym, to write this blog, and to start being a productive member of society. I can see success in my future, again - and that is something I've been missing for a long, long time. I see myself actually sticking to the mission we just started ( Move It 2 Lose It ) and finally getting that scale to start moving down. I see myself working toward being able to do things - physically - that I haven't been able to do in....well, as long as I can remember. I see myself finding a job that makes me content, and allows me to live the life I want to live - and be the type of person I want to be. I see myself working on finishing this book - because I'm finally starting to believe I might have something worth sharing. 

In short - I am feeling a little bit kick-ass lately, and I'm loving it! I want to thank all of you for sticking with me over the last 15 months - and inspiring me enough to not completely quit while I went through my life crisis! I attribute not gaining all of the weight back to you guys - because had I not had you guys supporting me, I'm sure I would have. I appreciate all of you. You're phenomenal. Now let's get moving, and make this summer everything we deserve for it to be!

What makes you feel like you could take on the world, and win?

Shout Out: Katie

There are a lot of times that I wonder if anyone is out there. If what I am rambling about is finding someone, and speaking to them in some way. If it is helping someone else realize that they aren't alone. That their struggle with weight, although their own personal struggle, is not something only they deal with. I get comments occasionally. There are people who interact on our Facebook page. There are people who follow me on Twitter. I love all of these more than you know.

I have been slacking on my entries lately. I was going through a period of self-doubt. I wasn't sure if me sharing what I'm going through was helping anyone. And not just you guys out there...but me. Was spilling my guts on how much I struggle at times helping? Is allowing the world into my head and heart doing anyone any good? Should I have advertised it to everyone I know on Facebook and Twitter and all of my friends and family? Or is it just providing ammunition to those that don't struggle with a similar issue? The people that don't understand why I fall off the wagon...frequently. The people who don't understand why I don't just eat well, and go to the gym every day - without fail. I was really having an internal battle over whether or not to continue with this.

And then last week I got my answer. I received the email below. I can't explain how much it meant to me to get it. I am so excited for Katie. She stuck to it, and is sticking to it! And she's improving her life! It might not be at the rate she'd like - let's be honest...it NEVER goes as fast as we'd like! But she's doing it! And I am so proud of her. And the fact that I could have helped, in any way, is just so......amazing.

So I'm going to continue. I'm going to keep being honest about what I'm going through (like the bag of Cheetos I had this week, and finshed). I hope you guys will continue to stick with me. And I hope you'll update me on how your life is going. Because I need you guys, too. You motivate me. You remind me that I'm not the only one that has ever wanted to rip their FUPA off and beat the shit out of it because they're so frustrated. You help me.

And Katie - SHOUT OUT to you! For sticking with it. For sending me that email, when I really needed it. And for being one kick-ass broad!

Here is the email:

Just thought I’d let you know…it’s been about a year-ish since I started reading your blog and I’ve lost 25 lbs. It’s only 25 lbs and I’m still in the same size of clothes (because I apparently have to lose 80 before I move a size) but then again, it’s 25 lbs!!! Your blog is truly helping me. I figure I’ve got nothing but time, so however long this takes me to lose, that’s how long it takes me. I’ve learned from your blog that I’m not the only one struggling and that I just have to get back on the horse. That it’s okay to have a bad day, week or even a couple weeks…I just have to keep going.

Anywho…rambling….

Have a good day!

Katie

Curves Ahead

I was thinking today about what I want to get from my body. How I want it to look, what I want it to do, what I need to do to get it there. Regular goal-setting does NOT work for me, so I am maybe going to have to try something different. I am thinking a series of pictures, like I'm a 4 year old? Who knows..... It might just work. While searching for some images that might work for ideals of what I'd like my bod to look like...eventually...I came across the picture below. It made me laugh out loud, so I figure I should share.

Truth: it is true that not every man needs a size 0 "stick-insect" (shout out to Bridget Jones!)

if they're good enough for Pierce Brosnan, that's good enough for me

What helps motivate you guys? I am open to any and all ideas! I NEED HELP!

The Circle of Slack

Does anyone else have a life where it seems like when things are going well, everything is going well? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, you are eating well, you are exercising, your are financially sound, you have a job you can tolerate (most of the time)....life is like a box of chocolates. Fat free, counts as a vegetable, good-for-you chocolates.

When I am going to the gym, and simultaneously eating well, I feel like I've really got my crap together. That then translates into a high level of motivation to not only continue doing those things, but also write positive stuff for this blog, I feel unstoppable and capable of handling any crisis - and be really positive (like my genetically make up is mostly hearts and butterflies). Basically, I feel like I have the world by the balls. I think part of the problem is, During these periods, I get a little cocky.

Then, conversely, there is the state I am currently in. And any small misstep from my previously described "world domination mode" can land me right here in the middle of what I call "the circle of slack". The sun is not shining. The birds are not singing. It won't stop snowing. I don't want to eat well. I don't want to go to the gym. I have a hard time coming up with topics for my blog - I sometimes feel like I might need to change the name to "the never-ending whine". I am completely unmotivated, in every aspect of my life - and have spells where I feel bad putting that on you guys. I feel like my genetic make up is....whatever is the opposite of hearts and butterflies. I feel like the world had it's balls around my neck. (funny visual) It's a circle of negativity, and it just keeps going round and round and round. It is these times that I reprimand myself for ever getting cocky.

And the worst part is, I don't know how to pull out of it. I can make all the plans and goals in the world - but as I've explained, that tends to go the opposite of my intention. My goals are like my volleyball skills. I want the ball to go over the net, or to my teammate to set it up for the spike - but it tends to go the opposite direction, screwing me and all those around me in the process. And I don't think my 9 months of solitude is helping. This winter has been the hardest on me, in recent memory. Whether that is because I am actually in charge of dealing with each snow fall (because I am in charge of a house, not in an apartment where someone else has to deal with it) or because I am here...by myself...with no break from my own brain....whatever it is, this season is kicking my ass. I seriously wanted to yell at the sky to quit snowing the other day. See? I'm LOSING IT! (my mind, not my ass - so in the bad way!)

So this weekend I go home to move my stuff into my new home. Then I am back for 5 days, and I move back to MN for good. I think that in itself will help me start to claw my way out of the CoS. I have people there to have gym dates with. I get to play with my nieces (and eventually nephew when he gets a little older), and remind myself of how much more fun we can have when I get in shape. I can take my sister's dog for walks, which is really good for both of us. And I can continue to pray for spring and sunshine.

So friends in MN, be ready. I am going to need you guys. I'm coming back to world domination mode, and I'd like you to join me!

What a Pill

These days you can take a pill for just about anything.  Want to feel happy?  Take a pill.  Want to be less anxious?  Take a Pill.  Want to curb your appetite?  Want your wiener (in an effort to keep this PG rated) to work properly?  Want to get pregnant?  Want to not get pregnant?  Want to _____(you fill in the blank)?  Take a pill.  I am not saying you shouldn't take pills, and I'm not saying they shouldn't be offered. 

My only issue is that I have yet to see an advertisement for pills that will motivate you.  One that will make you crave working out, and allow you to save the time you spend each day that you currently spending talking yourself into going to the gym.  A pill that will make baked chicken breasts seasoned with Mrs. Dash (or other no-salt seasoning) and steamed veggies seem much more appealing than a pizza or burger and fries ever could!  Some genius out there must be sick of wasting all of this time in self-talk....or maybe I am the only one?  Maybe I am the only person that has to give themselves a lengthy pep talk to get their exercise in?  Some days it is no problem - I want to get out there - but those days are few and far between right now!  Maybe there is a diet pill on the market that deadens your taste buds, so you can't actually taste what you are eating?  So baked chicken and pizza taste the same?  If not - I would like someone to invent these drugs immediately!  Since I am making my ridiculous wish list, maybe they could also be a vitamin - so I only have to remember to take one pill a day?  (It is amazing how hard it is to remember to take my vitamins!!  I am starting to worry that my brain is shutting down!)

While I was at the gym today, daydreaming about my new pill that will make getting there a complete joy, I decided that I will try and use my tiny accomplishments as "pills" in the meantime.  When I don't want to go to the gym, or feel like it really isn't going to make that big of a difference if I go or not - I am going to remember.  I am going to remember what it felt like the first time I could put my ankle to my knee while sitting on a chair.  I am going to remember how excited I was (and still kind of am) to be able to sit cross-legged on the floor (granted, I am in sweat pants, and do it with my left leg crossed last {I had surgery on that knee in 9th grade, and it has been a bit of a pain lately} but they still cross!!).  I am going to remember how much easier it is to get to the floor, and get up from the floor.  I am going to remember how much easier stairs are now.  I am going to remember how nice it is to finally fit into that size smaller jeans (which it has been entirely too long since I got to do.  I need to get my butt moving).  I am going to remember how miserable I was, and how much better I feel after losing only 1/4 of the weight I want to lose.  I am going to remember "Fat Intervention" (which I can now look back on with a smile) and remember that people love me, and believe in me, and want me to succeed - and remember that I am also one of those people.  I am going to remember how good it feels when I am done, and get to walk out the door of that gym.

So if any of you out there can get on developing these drugs, I would really appreciate it!  Until then, I'll just have to keep figuring out ways to motivate myself. 

Have a great week everyone!