Chronically Hangry

I should warn you before you get started - - my current experiences are leaving me incapable of hearts and butterflies (aka: positivity) and tend to make me cuss like a sailor. I would completely understand if you want to turn back now. For those of you choosing to continue - here is an honest summation of my last 17 days.

Being on a liquid diet is absolute bullshit. It sucks. There is only one positive - weight loss - and that is so overshadowed by all of the negative crap that it is nearly impossible to appreciate it.

There is a reason that the average person going for this surgery is only put on a liquid diet for 10 days, and that reason is that 21 days is too fucking long. TOO LONG. I remember at my meeting with the surgeon when he told me a tale about a guy who kept postponing his surgery date (so he could lose more weight prior to surgery) because he wasn't hungry, and the liquid diet wasn't bad. I can assure you - these were lies!! Unless that man had nothing to do all day, and an insatiable thirst - there is NO WAY he wasn't miserable.

The truth of the matter is - I  had a couple of days around days 6-10 where I didn't spend every minute hungry. Not sure how, or why - but they were tolerable. The other 15 days have been unendingly unpleasant. I drink my shakes, which I am just so damn tired of. I eat sugar-free jello. I drink my spark drinks. I eat popsicles. I've tried some broth. I've had some tea. But seriously - a person can only drink so much! And I'm not really good at forcing myself to consume things I have no interest in consuming!

I've managed to get through work with a decent attitude - - but the issue is that I've sucked up all of my limited patience and tolerance there. I have zero left to give outside of those walls. I am miserable, and irritated, and cranky what feels like all the time. Having to sit at work and smell the non-stop buffet (tacos one day, a literal buffet all day Saturday, people cooking pizzas, free nachos for the Twins home opener) doesn't help either. I have one day left. I'm really trying to focus all of my energy on getting through those 9 hours tomorrow and getting the hell out of there for a few weeks. And I am not mad at my co-workers. They should be able to eat and enjoy everything they want to enjoy. A couple of them even cooked their pizza in a closed room to try and help me out (SO NICE)... but being around things that smell delicious when you can't have a damn thing is...bullshit.

I still think about food constantly - but as an added bonus, these thoughts are now invading my dreams. The last few nights I've had dreams that I cheated. That I ate things. I can't remember what I ate, but I know I wake up with this sinking feeling that I just messed everything up - and than it dawns on me -- I have zero food in my house. I couldn't cheat if I wanted to! But really? On top of everything else, my unconscious needs to completely screw with me as well!?!?!

So here I am... hungry all the time with guilt dreams. Kind of pissed off all the time. Basically just miserable. And I know I'm a whiner. I know it is a means to an end. I know I should keep my eye on the prize. I know I'm almost there. I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't make this any better or any easier.

Four. Days. Left.