New Year, New Natalie?

It is absolutely ridiculous that another entire year has passed! I remember when I was young, and all of the "old people" (anyone over 30) would tell me how fast time goes the older you get. I assure you, I believed that to be complete bullshit...but here I am - constantly in awe of how quickly our time seems to evaporate.

I went in to 2018 a little nervous. The newness had worn off after my surgery. I figured I had definitely lost the weight I was going to lose - - I was weighing in at 209# on January 1st - - I had blown any and every goal I had for weight loss out of the water! Now I'd have to be accountable. I'd have to stay on task. 

It was my standard M.O. to stick with a plan for a while (granted - I'd already stuck with this much longer than most) and then just completely jump ship. Abandon all of the behaviors that had created any amount of success, and go back to my old, destructive ways. 

It was scary. I was concerned that I'd need that "newness" to keep my brain engaged. I was worried that without the shiny new accomplishments rolling in one after the other, I'd lose interest like every other time in my past. I mean, really - - when was the last time I finished something? When was the last time I didn't just give up when things got a little hard? 

But then something happened. My brain finally clicked on, and realized that this whole process has been hard! 

• Admitting I needed to do something as drastic and permanent as surgery - hard. 
• Going to my bariatric appointments, both physically & mentally - hard
• Starting to work with Scott when I weighed 495# - HARD
• Being on a liquid diet for 21 days before my surgery - HARD
• Sticking with all of the nutrition and movement guidelines right after surgery - hard
• Continuing to go workout and push myself - hard
• Sticking with my eating plan, and continuing to follow the 30 minute rule - hard

I've proven I can do hard shit! And I can stick with it. Maybe I can trust myself enough...believe in myself enough...to actually accept this as my new normal. I am now a person who moves her ass, and eats what she's supposed to most of the time. I'm a person who is willing to be honest, and vulnerable, and really excited about things most people don't understand. 

I'm healthy. I'm happy. And I'm grateful. 

I'm heading into 2019 optimistic - which has been a really frightening thing for me in the past. I have this whole "it's easier to be hurt/disappointed when you were hopeful" attitude. I'm not sure when I turned into such a pansy - and now that I'm actually seeing it - I'm NOT a fan. That shit has to go. So here are a couple of things that I'm going to work on in this new year:

1. New Bod - with a new bod comes responsibility. I will have an increased obligation to myself. To get myself as ready as I can for successful surgeries and recoveries. To get back to working out as soon as safely able, and stick with it. To continue to stick to my diet. 
• FUPA removal is 1/10/19
• boobs & arms shortly after - - hopefully
2. Stop Saying "I'm Sorry" all the damn time - - not that I will never show remorse. Not that I will never owe anyone an apology. But what I'm going to try to curb is the automatic reaction within me to apologize if someone isn't 100% on board with my thoughts, statements or actions. The words "I'm sorry" come shooting out way to easy, and have lost all weight. They are just entirely too overused...I hear it all the time from others as well. Don't be sorry for everything you say, feel or do. This world needs to toughen up a little bit. There's a difference between empathy & remorse. Let's all try to be a little more empathetic...that's way more constructive as far as I'm concerned. And I'm NOT sorry to say it 😉
3. Try to turn this new life into...something - - I have no idea what that looks like, or what opportunities there are - - but I trust myself enough in this process to allow myself to try and help others. I believe I have something to offer people who are going through situations similar to mine. I've been contacted by a number of people that are considering bariatric surgery, or are just trying to live a more healthy life - - and I love it. I know it was great for me to have people to talk to that had gone through the process - - and I'd like to be that for other people. So stay tuned...or send suggestions/ideas if you have any

I know I'm a couple of days early - but here's to an ass-kicking 2019! What are your goals for yourself in the new year? 

#WhatNatalieEats

Food. My narcotic of choice. For years, it basically ruled my existence. It was quite nearly my demise.

BS (before surgery) Diet: Diet Coke, Pizza, Diet Mt Dew, Burgers, Fries, Fried Chicken Sandwiches, more Diet Coke, Copious amounts of alcohol, more pizza, many fried things…with a just a dash of water thrown in so my organs didn’t completely shut down. Needless to say, the drive-thrus got a work out!!!

Sure…I’d pull it together for short periods of time. Every time I’d start a new program, I’d be militant in my execution. ON POINT! I’d have a few weeks. A couple of months, maybe. It was the same with all of them: Weight Watchers, Slimgenics, Fat Camp, LA Weight Loss….I was a star…until I wasn’t. Then I’d quickly pack back on any weight I had lost + a whole lot more. The cycle was constant.

Then at the end of March 2016 there was the liquid diet. Twenty-one of the worst days of my life. Looking at my life now it is very easy to throw it in the “totally worth it” column - - but holy shit was that hard! For 21 days the closest thing to food I got to consume was sugar-free jell-o or popsicles. Otherwise everything was literally liquid. It was the absolute fucking worst. I had nightmares that I cheated…one time I was guzzling Diet Coke like it was going out of style…another time I was hoovering a caramel Twix… I’d wake up in a panic, until I realized that I had literally given away ALL of my food, and there was nothing left in my house to cheat with…I was safe.

In the last 2.5 years we’ve been working on our relationship, food & I. It’s had it’s rough moments – but overall I’d say we’ve come out of this whole thing stronger J I don’t really care for cooking – so I am frequently grateful that I can literally eat the same things, day after day, without getting sick of them. I still have the things I want to have, when I want to have them (assuming they’re available to me) – I just have them in much smaller quantities. I have lost the will to leave my house to grab something if I am having a craving – so have found my need for it will likely pass by the time I have access to it.

I do feel like my taste buds have changed since my surgery. I still love Cheetos - not those puffy ones – but the crunchy. Like, really love. But I have some new/odd things I crave as well:

• Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips
• Combos! Seriously. The buffalo/pretzel & 7 layer dip ones...YUMMO!
• Hotdogs! I spend a lot of time at softball fields in the summer, and can't seem to get enough. Gross - but so good. 
• Cucumbers - this has been the last few months - but put them with buffalo chicken dip, or HyVee ranch dip...swoon...
• Caesar Salad Kits - - thankfully this one was mostly last summer, or I could have died!

I still love pizza – and that remains the one food I limit how frequently I eat it. I try to keep it to at least 2 weeks in between. A few times it’s been less. A lot of the time it has been more. 

As cliche and annoying as it sounds - I do genuinely see food more as a means to an end now, than the thing that brings me peace and comfort. Due to the schedule (waiting 30 minutes on each side of eating to drink) I have removed the opportunity for mindless snacking. In order to stick to my schedule, and get enough food in, and drink enough, I have to stay on task. No taking my time, eating more than I am supposed to at any sitting - because I can literally only eat so much at one time. I do see people that have had my surgery who spend 2 hours eating a meal...I have no idea how they make that work. I get in, eat, and get out - so I can wait my 30 minutes and drink again. My life is a series of schedules and rules - but they're working - so I try my best to roll with it. 

My new life wants me to do High Protein, High Fat, Low Carb. Daily goal is 80 grams of protein. It seems like I eat the same stuff every day. Here are some of the regulars:

** please do not take my diet as any sort of nutritional guideline! I eat very differently than the average human should - - but it works for me. Consult a professional with questions/ideas/guidance **

·         Protein Shakes: it is still my least favorite. Likely because my brain knows I HAVE to have it, and I don’t like being bossed around.

·         Greek Yogurt with granola

·         Turkey Chili

·         Cured meats/Jerky

·         Cheese, cheese, cheese

·         Nuts

·         Bacon

·         Eggs with cheese, EBtB seasoning & mayo – sounds gross, but trust me

·         Balanced Breaks – before the gym

The biggest adjustment I have made, is packing my food. Each day I pack snacks and lunch. Every weekend I go to tournaments I have a cooler packed with snacks and beverages. I CAN eat whatever I want, but I CHOOSE to stay on plan the majority of the time. Yes, I have hotdogs and cheetos - - but I eat my yogurt and nuts the rest of the time. Sometimes the planning gets a bit annoying - but it has just become my life now...and my body thanks me for it.