All the Feels

Over the last couple of months I've been going through a few changes - - most notably, I've started exercising on a regular basis. While that  has been hard and painful and exhausting - it has also given me something I feel like I hadn't had a good long time - a sense of accomplishment. Seeing what my body can do after just a couple of months of activity - even though my weight is still much higher than I'd like - makes me feel like I'm doing something. I'm being proactive. I'm changing for the better.

Over the last month I've witnessed another difference in myself - - I'm really emotional! I get teary-eyed at the drop of a hat! I've always been one that will cry at sad movies. Get a little misty during those commercials meant to pull at our heart strings. I shed a tear that the beginning of "Up" - but who didn't?!?! But I've never been so on the cusp of tears for such an extended period of time! It would take next to nothing for me get weepy. Real tears!

So I did what I normally do when I don't like something - I pretended it didn't exist. I just figured I was PMSing or something. But a month of PMS seems excessive. So then I thought maybe I was starting "the change". I mean - I am 40 now. Maybe I could be starting menopause? And since I'm trying to behave myself so I can get to my pre-surgery weight loss goal, I didn't get to do what I normally do when I start to feel things - - shovel Cheetos into my face.

This was all very new to me - and I will admit - completely unsettling. I am just not used to this! I'm typically not an overly emotional person - or at least I don't think I am. My fastest go-to emotion is to get angry if anything - so this new sensitivity was really unsettling! And with every instance of my new-found tenderness came frustration. What in the hell is making me so damn emotionally delicate!??!!?

I think this partially played into my going rogue for a week from the gym - I was just completely emotionally beat. I felt like I could have slept 20 hours a day if I would have allowed myself to. I just didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't feel sad. I just felt wiped out. I like to try and self-diagnose - so in addition to PMS or menopause - I thought maybe I was having an acute case of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) because it was absolutely freezing here in Minnesota. But to Scott's credit - he didn't just let me skip and tell me it was ok. He told me to get my shit together and get back to the gym. Exactly what I asked him to do, and exactly what I needed.

My sis Wendy sent me this after our chat. I love it.

On Sunday I was chatting with my sisters and had a full on psychotic break. In public. At a restaurant. Crying. Seriously crying. That was a first. To their credit - they didn't look at me in absolute horror. My sisters are seriously the greatest. Both of them offered up many possibilities for the cause and were very supportive. They both agreed it likely had something to do with the changes I'd been making - especially the physical ones - being more active, etc. I didn't know that was a thing - so just sort of dismissed it, and assumed I was losing my mind. When I got home I watched "Terms of Endearment", thinking I just needed a good cry - - and boy did I cry. Sobs. I did feel somewhat better after...

Monday I met with Scott. I did my walk and then we were chatting a bit. I confessed to him that I was feeling more than a little bit like an emotional nutball lately. Without me mentioning my sisters' theory - he concurred. He told me that physical demands on your body tend to manifest themselves with heightened emotions. Maybe that is why everyone cries so much on shows like the Biggest Loser? They are really pushing themselves physically - and I'm sure there isn't a cheeto in sight!

This revelation did make me feel somewhat better about my new sensitive state. It could be tied back to something positive I'm doing for myself. Getting stronger allows me to be more tender? Maybe? I guess I could probably use a little move touchy feely-ness. Not to worry - I'm sure I'll still maintain sarcastic, a-hole side...that's not going anywhere.

So Monday I will be taking my newly tender self to my appointment with my nutritionist where I will hopefully be cleared for surgery by her department/division, and will have lost the amount of weight necessary to get an appointment with the surgeon. Fingers crossed, people.

At least I know I have tears at my disposal if she doesn't cooperate with me... 

"I get so emotional, baby..." -Whitney Houston

I'm guessing it will come as no surprise to you that I've been less-than-on-my-game, lately. The biggest hint may be my complete absence from writing this blog. It's not that I don't think of topics, or feel like I have anything to say. It's because I don't want to be a depressing downer. And I feel like that is exactly what my entries would be. Downers.

I made an agreement with myself when I started this blog that I would be honest. Through the good, the bad, the ugly, the stretch marks, the entertaining, the depressing, the chaffing....I'd be honest about what I wrote about. And I want to stick to that commitment. But for the last few months, I haven't felt like I've had a lot of wins - so I didn't think any of it was worth sharing. But a few days ago it finally dawned on me. All of that "life" crap that I was sure had nothing to do with my attempts at getting health, are right smack dab in the middle of the issue.

Hi. My name is Natalie, and I'm an emotional eater.

There. I've finally said it. I finally SEE it. I never really realized just how much what's going on in my life affects - both positively and negatively - my ability to focus on getting healthy. And getting healthy - for me at least - requires focus. Getting health is a thousand different choices and thoughts a day. And for the past few (5) months, I haven't been making good ones for myself. I've come to the painful realization that my whole goal of "getting healthy" isn't as limited (eating and exercise) as I'd originally thought. It also includes money and family and friends and bills and contentment and self-esteem and time and self-worth - and all the stress that bag of crap produces. I made my own flow-chart to demonstrate my discoveries, but it wouldn't open on my computer. (for anyone that knows about my limited skills with graphics, you'll know what a loss this is that mine can't be used =)) Luckily, I was able to locate the one below. It sums up beautifully what it appears to have taken me 36.67 years to finally understand.

And the last 5 months have been a minefield of triggers, and I've been earning a solid F- for my ability to deal with them in a healthy manner. The stress causers: looking for a job/looking for an apartment/adjusting to my new expenses/unexpected bills/my car breaking down. And what is stress? A damn emotion. Some people respond to stress by "forgetting to eat". I, on the other hand, only want to eat crap. And although the "crap" has changed because of my new budget - and I can't afford to eat fast food constantly - the truth of the matter is that junk food is cheaper than veggies. And the other truth: it tastes better. But what you can't see when you're in the middle of this emotional eating frenzy, is that you're just causing more of the same problem. Eating crap, when what you really want to do is become a more healthy person, just causes more....are you with me people...have any guesses??  Negative emotions.

Stress/sadness/loneliness/etc --> making poor eating choices --> sitting on my couch when I should be working out --> guilt (EMOTION) over not working out --> more unhealthy choices --> back to the beginning.

Looking back on it, it is so damn clear. But at the time....I couldn't see that. Or more likely - I wasn't willing to admit it. Truth bomb: this never-ending emotional eating circle doesn't give a shit if you're stressing about money, or family, or friends, or relationships - it's just glad you're focused on something else, to keep you on the loop.

So now that I see it (finally) - what am I going to do about it?

I'm going to start with my finances. I have been so focused on not digging myself back into the financial hole I was in through the spring of 2010, that I don't really allow myself to see the whole picture. Looking around, I'm not really spending money on unnecessary things - but instead of justifying that I can get a bag of chips for $1.19, I need to put that toward healthier choices. I've had a few sites forwarded to me with cheap/healthy options, and I'll be studying them intently. This is also good for you guys - because I'll send links to delicious things. Although I don't go out much now - I will be doing even less of it in the future. Probably not a really negative, since when I'm stress to the hilt, I'm no treasure to have around anyway. Also - winter is a time of hibernation for me, so I'm more than OK with this decision. Hopefully my friends will like me a little better when I return to the scene - hopefully a little more stress-free and a little healthier. My family has to love me anyway...right?

Next up: Food. Cooking healthy meals (other than Baked Ziti...because let's face it - you can only have that for so long before you completely lose interest. Variety is the spice of life, right?) on the weekends, so I have lunches and dinners (and no excuses) for the upcoming week. There is so much information available these days, I really have no damn excuse to just do it - - and I know I'll have the time! And I'm off booze. The last time I remember feeling fully in control of my life, I wasn't cocktailing. And drinking at your house, by yourself, isn't probably a great thing for a person with a dependent personality to do.


Finally: Exercise. So much easier to do when I'm eating well. And I honestly don't hate exercise - it just seems like time I don't have when I'm busy spending every spare second in my own head worrying about things I don't really have any control of anyway. I'm going to focus on cardio - for which there are machines right here in my building. And then strength exercises I can do right in my own apartment. I have this great nautilus machine - it's called my own ass! I have enough body weight to provide plenty of resistance for a while. Who knows - maybe one day I'll be able to hold a plank for more than .5 seconds, and do a real push-up? Maybe. Once I get that financial piece sorted out, I'll get myself into a cheaper gym and a weight routine. If anyone wants to come visit with me on the treadmills, there's room! Let me know when you want to schedule our first gym-date!

That's my plan. Or at least what I think will help ease some of the emotional burden that's currently causing me to be disgusted with myself. I know I can do so much better than I have been, and I also see that I'm lucky. I finally realized what I was doing before I gained all of the weight back that I'd lost. Yes - I gained about 15 pounds back - - and I'm not particularly happy about that - - but I caught it. I didn't allow myself to gain 140 pounds, again. And honestly - I feel like I need to cut myself some damn slack! I think you have to do that sometimes, or you're guaranteed to fail - and turn right back into the financially destroyed fatty that you most fear!

So there it is. The truth about where I've been. The hope for where I'm going. Thank you for reading my nonsensical ramblings. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for being there. I appreciate all of you, and I'll show you that by being better. Being better for myself, and for you guys.

Do you have any budget-friendly meal tips or sites? PLEASE share them! I can't imagine I'm the only one that would benefit!