My Biggest Hurdle: My Own Brain

Today's session with Scott was bad. Really bad. Not due to anything he said, did or asked of me. It was 100% on me.

It's been a long week. Work stuff has just completely worn me out. I'm trying to eat better, but I know I probably didn't get enough to eat yesterday (my pre-prepped meals ran out on Wednesday....I'm still trying to get myself organized in that department) - which Scott has repeatedly warned me is a problem. I walked into the gym feeling drained - physically and even more so emotionally. It was a recipe for disaster. And it was a disaster.

I did my walk while we chatted. Don't get me wrong - I still don't love my walks - but they've become much more tolerable. But today I just kept looking at my Fitbit praying for it to be over. While I was finishing up, Scott starting putting together the equipment for the next phase of my workout. "Shit. Shit. SHIT." was all that was going through my head as I realized it was going to be a lower body day. Lower body days are the worst...I have to haul all of this bulk along with me for all of the exercises. I'm hopeful one day that will be much easier than it is now - but for the time being, it is awful. A very necessary evil, I know....

So damn true.....

So I made up my mind before I even started that it was going to suck. Then Scott told me the duration I needed to do each station. That was it. My brain had already decided I couldn't do it. Well - truthfully, my fear decided I couldn't do it, and quickly got my brain onboard. And how do I react to fear, feeling uncomfortable and insecure? That's right - by being a raging bitch. I instantly turned into a petulant child. I was so sure I couldn't do it before I started that I didn't even give myself a chance to try.

Instead of just doing the best that I could - and listening to Scott's direction - I pouted, gave half-assed effort and smarted off to him. I behaved horribly. To his credit, he didn't tell me to get the hell out of the gym and never come back. I suspect I may have done that if I had been in his shoes.

I went to Scott because I need someone to push me. I trust him. I know he knows what he's doing. I obviously do not, or I wouldn't be in my current situation - - so where does my brain get off thinking it knows best? I made him aware of what my goals were, and asked him to help me. I told him I'd do what he asked me to do. He is more than living up to his end of the deal. I am the one who is not.

This is about enough of that shit. I am looking forward to so many positive changes, I should probably start with my attitude. So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight my inner bitch. She is ruled by fear, and I no longer need her to protect me. I'm going to prove to myself that I can do things my fear immediately tells me I can't. I'm going to get mentally tough. I'm going to do the things Scott asks me to do. I'm going to do them as well as I can. And I'm going to keep my mouth shut. And in the event that I forget, I'm going to ask him to please remind me to tell my inner bitch to shut the hell up and get to work. Because that hag is not going to keep me from living my best life.

It's time to toughen up buttercup. Physically, and most importantly - mentally.

Well...I'll be damned!

I woke up Monday morning to a troubling realization. Because I had chosen to use my time rather foolishly over the last week, I was now going to have to basically move into my gym for the next two days in order to meet my mileage requirement for our Move It 2 Lose It mission! I had, as is fairly typical of me and my procrastination tendencies, dug myself into a bit of a hole. In order to reach my goal of 32 miles for this week, I needed to put in at least 14.35 miles both Monday and Tuesday. HOLY CRAP!! I know I am using machines that make it easier than actually walking - but that is a lot of distance to put on this big body!

So I had myself some vittles - 1 egg + 3 egg whites, laughing cow cheese, whole wheat english muffin and yogurt - and headed out. I was trying not to panic. I mean seriously - when is the last time I tried to do anywhere near this much work? Ummm...never? All I could picture was me getting woozy, and falling off my piece of equipment. Then having to call every person that works there, plus a few of the beefy-er weight lifters, over to try and move me. Everyone else just looking at me with pity in their eyes - feeling bad for the fat girl who overdid it. Seriously - I had this whole morbid scene worked out in my head. I really need to get back to work! =)

Octane

So I got to LTF - armed with my 2 iPods and Bonnie - and went to work. I was feeling better...more determined...less certain I was going to be laying on the floor, next to my machine, in a puddle of my own sweat. In short - I was feeling optimistic about actually getting this done. I hopped on the Octane machine. I think I've narrowed down at least part of why it makes me feel like my heart might explode - - it has "running stride" leg movements. And I think we all know that a runner I am not! The bonus is, it gets me further than the Precor does in the same amount of time - so suffer I must. I put in 8 miles. It tracks your laps on the screen, and all I could think about was when we had to run 10 half miles around the track in tenth grade gym. NIGHTMARE!! But I did it! And I didn't even feel like I was going to pass out! I think maybe my brain just took over and knew I had a long way to go before I could leave. Thank you brain! I appreciate you.

recumbent bike

Next I decided it would be OK to do some of my miles on the recumbent bike. I hadn't been on one in years. Hell! I haven't been on a real bike in years! My visions where a bike is concerned involved blown tires (caused entirely by the dimensions of my posterior) and me flipping numerous times into a ditch while kids point and laugh. It's just better to hold off on that for a while. But I'm OK giving this bike a chance. It is nice because you kind of get to sit back and relax while you use it. It is not kind of nice because you are sitting on top of the wall of mirrors when you use it. Let's face it - I just don't need all of this sweaty babe staring back at me from such a close distance. It ain't purty. At least for tomorrow I spied some up on the 2nd floor NOT up against a mirror wall - so I'll be using those tomorrow. I had some technical difficulties getting it all set up to run, but eventually got my 5 miles in in a fairly incident-free manner.

Precor

I was going for 15 total miles today, so I only had 2 to go. I decided the Precor was my best bet, so I hopped on. I have a shameful secret to share with you. Please don't judge me too harshly. I watched "Justin Bieber: Never Say Never" while I was on the Precor machine, and I have to admit - I find him adorable. I now see what my 4 & 5 year old nieces see in him. I just might have Bieber Fever! The best part? It made my time on the Precor fly by....well, sort of. I have still never been as happy as when I saw it flash that I was 90% done. I finished with 2.03 miles on the Precor.

15.03 total miles. And I wasn't even completely exhausted! How did this happen?!? Probably because I was well-rested. Tomorrow should be interesting. Wish me luck, folks! I am kind of looking forward to checking out what Bonnie has to say about today. I feel like she got as much of a workout as I did!

What's your go-to machine at the gym? Or what's your favorite exercise?