Temptation

The last week and a half has been tough on me. Not physically - but mentally. It seems like it's just one thing after another - - testing me. Fortunately, I have fear and my hammock (my new sleeve/tiny tummy) to help keep me in check - but I'm hopeful that things will ease up soon.

It started last week - - I spent the bulk of Monday just being pissed off. I wanted a diet coke and pizza. Whether it's that I really wanted a diet coke and pizza - or whether the fact that I have way more things on the "you can't" list than the "you can" has caught up to me. When you are told you can't have something, what is the first thing you want? Now imagine that your favorite thing is on the can't list - and it's been on that list for about 3 months, with at least another month before you can consider having it. For me, that's pizza.

It's not that I'm unwilling to make changes - I am very willing to make improvements to my diet. I've known going into this I would be eating a very low carb, high protein/high fat diet for the remainder of my days. I was also told that I likely won't need to completely edit things out of my life - at least for the most part. I will be able to have Mexican food and pizza - 2 of my faves. I likely won't be able to have another diet coke - and I'm OK with that most of the time. But what I didn't realize was that I'd be on an extremely restricted diet for so long. I figured my hammock would need time to heal - I just didn't realize it would need SO LONG to heal. And the 21 days of liquid diet before the surgery is making this whole phase just seem insanely long. I haven't had a carb (with the exception of the small amount of fruit I eat, and the milk I am forced to drink - gag) in....months. It's all got my mental/emotional state in knots.

And that screwed up mindset is what I took into what I anticipated to be one of the hardest stretches of my year - Kath Family Fun Weekend. A 23 year tradition with my dad's side of the family that has every delicious snack/food our family makes, and plenty of booze. I knew it was going to be a challenge. I knew I'd have to separate myself at times. The truth is - most of it would likely not agree with my hammock anyway. But that doesn't keep it from looking and smelling delicious. It's also no fun to have to repeatedly separate yourself. By next year - I'll be fine. I can eat the meals - grilled chicken, pulled pork, tacos, etc. But not this year. So I packed up my own cooler of food, plenty of Powerade and don't forget my milk - and tried to get my mind right.

Right of the gates I had my first test - smelling fried chicken sandwiches in the car as we left town. I'm not going to lie - they smelled delicious - but I was fine. My hammock doesn't react to hunger/smells/etc the same way a regular stomach does. It is one major gift, that is for sure. Once we got to the resort I stocked my crap in the fridge and went on with our day. My schedule was way off - so I was going to have my final serving of milk right before bed. Because I am me, and life needs to be one gigantic test right now, I discovered at about midnight that our refrigerator wasn't working. All the stuff I brought with me had been sitting just above room temp all day. Gross. The next morning I pitched it all and did a little grocery shopping.

I was surprised by how easy it was to ignore the food. Well - ignore might be a little strong...but it was much less temptation that I had anticipated. The thing that made me drool the most? The fresh veggie tray. This may shock people - but I love veggies - especially if someone else gets them prepped for me! I can only have steamed to death veggies (ewww) right now. I cannot wait until the day I'm free to have fresh peppers and broccoli and cauliflower! And tomatoes! OK - enough. But you get the idea. And taco night was rough - because as you know, I love Mexican food. And the booze was a non-factor. I hadn't been drinking much leading up to surgery anyway - so I was fine with my watered down Powerade and Spark drinks.

It was impossible at times to stay on a schedule - I spent one entire afternoon at the pool - soaking up the sun, watching the mayhem and talking shit with my family. I didn't want to have to leave to go drink my milk and make my own food. It just reinforced how much I cannot wait to get to the "real life" portion of this whole process. I guess I should probably stop referring to it as a process...it's my life. And I'm getting really tired of all the damn restrictions.

So I did what I could. I removed myself when needed. I didn't have so much as a Cheeto or chip. I avoided the homemade bread - not even a bite. No cheesy potatoes. Nothing. I at my food I made, on my approved list. The only exception was one meal of a small amount of ham salad and egg salad - both of which are made of things I can have. Otherwise I didn't touch a thing. I was pretty proud of myself. And I did have one non-scale victory - - I slept in a twin size bed - and I fit, sort of. Well - I fit a hell of a lot better than I would have 6 months ago!

Then I got home and stepped on the scale. I weighed the exact same as I had the week before. Exactly. Not even down a tenth of a pound. I couldn't believe it. I just stood and stared at it for a second. How in the fuck is that even possible!?!?! I did everything I was supposed to. I didn't even touch the other food and then lick my finger. How in the hell did I not lose any weight!?!???!!!??!?!?! Then the mind games kicked into overdrive - well, I guess I could have had some damn cheetoes after all. What difference would it have made if I would have made a meal out of cheesy potatoes. I could have used that platter of nachos as a pillow - I wasn't going to lose any damn weight anyway!!

That went on for about 10 minutes. Then I started getting the replies to my slightly insane update on my page. Thank you to all of you that were just nothing but supportive and reassuring and awesome. I know you were right. The fact that I stuck to my plan was huge. I have to take the victories where I can get them. Fuck the scale this week, as my friend said in her super-supportive text. Seriously - you guys are just amazing. I am so grateful for you.

So I'm back. I'm making a batch of chili for when I return to work tomorrow. I've got "soft foods" approved meals all set for the next few days. And I didn't go off plan - even during my tantrum, I didn't stray. For this girl, that is such a massive victory!

Next Tuesday I meet with my dietician for my 2-month follow-up. I'll still be on soft foods for another month, but I think I increase the amounts and I GET TO ADD PEANUT BUTTER!!! Woo-hoo!!! Just one more month until I meet with my nurse who told me "we'll meet at your 3-month mark and work on transitioning you into real life". I am trying to focus on that day....when I can be a little more human than I am right now.

Until then - let's hope I don't have to break the scale in half next week. Let's hope the tides are turning, so I don't feel like each day is a test my emotional state forgot to study for. Let's hope......

Goals

People have been asking about what my goal weight is...what weight do I want to get to now that I've had this surgery to assist me in getting there. The truth is - I have no idea what a realistic expectation for me is. I've been so insanely over a healthy weight for so long, I have no idea what weight is going to work for me long-term. I can assure you it isn't the 130-144 pounds for a medium framed 5'6" female. I think I passed that weight in about 5th grade. It's a tough thing for me to wrap my head around.

Summer 1990 - approx 225#

At this point I'm hoping for 225-250. Now most of you are probably thinking why would I aim to still likely be classified as "obese". But the truth for me is that I weighed well above that when I graduated from high school. I'm thinking 225 was likely what I weighed in about 10th grade. I found this picture yesterday when I was looking for something else - and figured this might be me at about that weight. This is the summer before my sophomore year, after I'd had surgery on my left knee (it's still swollen). I'm guessing I was around 225 pounds in this picture - granted about 15 pounds of that was likely my bangs! (good grief - what was I thinking with that hairdo??) and another pound for shoulder pads - but you get the idea. I figure at that weight I should have no issue fitting into chairs, stadium seats or an airplane seat. That will also be light enough for me to skydive!! At that weight and size I should have absolutely no issue living the kickass life I want to. I'd be able to decide what I legitimately want to do, and do it - without being concerned about the walk, standing, or fitting into whatever seats are available. I'd be back in charge of my life...with slightly less bangs.

That being said - I have no idea if that is a realistic goal or not - but I know I'm willing to work my ass off to get to it. I'll make it realistic.

As far as where I am now - - things are going really well. I have a slightly less gross taste in my mouth. I've heard that will go away as the weight loss slows a bit - and apparently that is what I am to expect in month 2. I am consuming FairLife milk to get myself to, and beyond, my protein goal. I'm getting to eat actual food - a very curtailed list, but real food none-the-less. I'm starting to take my vitamins again, so hopefully my energy level will improve. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling like much more of a joiner than I had before. I'm not staying at home rather than going to do things because I may have to walk from the far side of the parking lot. I'm willing to participate, which is a huge step for me!

I've been using MyFitnessPal to track my food, to make sure I'm hitting my 65grams of protein each day. I'm not able to actually complete out my days however, because it keeps giving me errors that I'm not eating nearly enough to survive. I don't know how to tell the ap that I have a baby stomach now? I saw someone who has had this surgery post on Instagram that our stomachs are the size of an egg. Not sure I believe they are quite that small - I will definitely have to ask about that - but if that's true it's insane! Would definitely explain why when I tried to eat 2 hardboiled pickled eggs (made for me by my dad because I requested them) I thought I was going to die! Way too much food for me at this time. I've also learned that I cannot eat and then lay down. I was certain I was going to vomit last week. After 5 minutes of non-stop swallowing and deep breaths I finally started feeling OK again. Lots of learning last week on my first few days of "soft foods".

I'm going to keep plugging along with my tiny portions. I'm going to try and start adding in more movement. This phase of this process is baby steps. My lack of patience is really getting a workout! =) But I'm hanging in there. The number of times per week that I question this decision is decreasing all the time....