6 Months Post-Op

Every month my surgiversary surprises me. Every month it simultaneously feels like there is no way it's been as long as it has been - 6 months in this case - while also feeling like it has been forever since I went under the knife.

In honor of this milestone, I thought I would show you guys what happens when you go from nearly 500 pounds to...less...rapidly. I hope you don't consider these pictures to be offensive. Part of me wanted to completely throw up taking these pictures - - I'm not big on showing off my bod, but another part of me is really proud of how hard I've worked for what is now a very lumpy, bumpy body - but a much stronger body as well. I want to thank my sister Wendy for being my photographer for the new pictures. I hope I didn't traumatize her or my niece Macy who walked in for a few of them. These aren't pretty - but they are reality.....

All of the comparisons in this post are from the same 2 dates. On the left is September 9, 2015 - the date of my first appointment with the bariatric department. On the right are pictures from October 19, 2016. My surgery date was April 18, 2016.

My hands and arms are one of the first places I noticed a change. My fingers aren't as puffy as they once were. There are days where I can actually tell there is a wrist bone in there! One thing I noticed right away about these pictures is that I still have a tan near the end of October in the current picture. Why? Because I actually spent time outside this summer. Lots of time - participating in all sorts of run things - because I could!

I have been so lucky. I have been pain-free since shortly after my surgery. I have been able to eat a wide variety of foods, and have never (knock on wood) gotten ill. My hammock is finally able to tolerate protein shakes again without making me feel nauseous, which really helps make sure I'm getting to my protein goal each day. From month 1-2 post surgery I wasn't doing very well. Physically, I was fine. Mentally, not so much. There were times where I questioned if this was the right decision for me. I was so beyond tired of being told no, and having so many limitations on me that I was ready to snap. I can honestly say I have zero reservations saying that this is by far the best decision I've ever made for myself. Everything - and I truly mean everything - is easier.

This picture is hard for me. I have been programmed to avoid the mirror for a while now. If you don't really look at yourself, you don't really have to deal with the fact that you're...huge. I guess that must have been my philosophy? My defense mechanism? Because although I knew I was big, and getting around was hard, I didn't realize just how big I was.

And now - because of my mirror avoidance - I hadn't really looked at myself. The first time I saw my legs was in the mirror in the dressing room when I was trying on jeans a few weeks ago. They are an absolute mess! They are bumpy and you can see where my inner thighs are already sagging. I'm wondering if I'll ever see my kneecaps again?

But then my sister pointed out how good all of those lumps and bumps and sagging are. They are awesome. Because even though they may not look that great now, they are so much stronger than they used to be. They're allowing me to do so much more than I used to be able to do. Those legs tried to run yesterday!! Those legs worked so hard just getting me around before - they had to haul that 500 pound body around. Those legs should be so damn tired that they refuse to do anything - but instead they allow me to do squats and stairs and hike with relative ease. These legs are fucking amazing you guys. And although my FUPA is still holding on strong, it's a hell of a lot smaller than it used to be - and it isn't getting in the way nearly as much as it used to. So I'll embrace these lumps. I'll try not to cringe when I look at bumpy skin. I'll try and show this body the love it deserves for all the hell I've put it through, and it's still giving me it's all.

Not sure what I'm looking at here???

 It's not my body's fault that I tested the elasticity of my skin to such a ridiculous point. It is not reasonable to expect my skin to snap back when I've lost over 100 pounds in 6 months.

Yes - everything looks like cottage cheese right now. Yes, I have bat wings (that's the affectionate nickname I have given to that flap hanging over my bra under my armpit). Yes - my hips and thighs are dimpled. It's what happens. It is unavoidable when you were as big as I was. Will it go away or lessen with more exercise, and more time? I don't know. I think it might lessen a bit. May tighten up a small amount. But not completely. I will have to have skin removal surgery at some point, because things in the loose skin area are only going to continue to worsen the more weight I lose. The one thing that makes that seem worth it is that maybe they can put some of that excess back into my pancake boobs. Maybe? We'll see.....

So that is where my body is at 6 months. Let's talk about the rest of me....

My brain continues to be an issue. I think that is to be expected to a certain point. You can't be as heavy as I was, with the limitations I had without there being some residual...anxiety left behind. The only place that it consistently rears it's ugly head is in the gym. I have had instances where I am supposed to be doing something (stepping up onto a bench, or trying to rest my weight on a stability ball) and I will just absolutely freeze. The internal dialogue is ridiculous!! Eventually I get my body to cooperate, and I don't die, and then the next time I do it is easier - - but I would really be fine without all the back and forth to get to that point! I'm sure Scott (my trainer) would be fine with that too.  =)

Other than the mental stuff - everything is going pretty damn great. I'm borderline obsessed with honeycrisp apples with peanut butter and key lime greek yogurt at the moment. I'm trying to enjoy every decent day we have left before dreaded winter hits. I'm really enjoying not living in fear of...so many ridiculous things. I try out most chairs with arms I run across now, and my butt tends to fit in most of them!!! There are days, and there are moments, that can be a bit of a challenge....but for the most part life is pretty damn good right now.

5-month Surgiversary

I swear I just wrote my 4 month update - but according to the calendar today is, in fact, the 5 month anniversary of my surgery...my surgiversary if you will.

Thing are still going surprisingly well. Shockingly well most of the time. I am pretty much able to eat anything at this point - just much smaller quantities, which is to be expected. I haven't really had anything on bread or a bun yet - just because I only have so much space in my hammock. Yesterday I was drooling looking at people eating a sandwich. Nothing fancy - just a regular sandwich....I think it looked so good just because that isn't something realistic for me to have right now. I'd get 3 bites in and be stuffed! Maybe one day I'll make myself one...or the desire will pass as most of my cravings do these days.

I feel like I've finally gotten some energy back, which is awesome. For a while there I felt like I couldn't really do much in the gym. I'd be pooped after 2 short sets of exercises. While I still get a little woozy now and then - I do typically feel like I have more energy. I still hit days here and there where I don't - like when I don't get enough to eat for a day or 2 beforehand. Those are rough to recover from. But I'm trying to live and learn, and do better the next time. Skipping a meal isn't really an option when you're already taking in so little.

My only real problem at this point continues to be my brain. It is amazing to me how frequently I have to have internal battles with myself. And most of the time, they aren't even food-related, which has been a shocker to me. It's about physical things.

Every day before I meet with Scott I have to gear myself up. I have my brain wanting to make up excuses not to go. I have my brain telling me how hard it's going to be, and that I can't do it. My usual internal argument to this is: it's only an hour...it will be over in an hour.... When I get there, and he tells me the things I'll be doing that day I have to literally tell myself to "Shut the fuck up and try it" rather than immediately bitching about it/telling him I can't do it. (there are tshirts in the works for this) It really becomes exhausting at times! Because the truth is - I can do it. Maybe not well. It certainly isn't perfect. But I can do it. The last couple of weeks I've really focused on just showing up - shutting the fuck up and trying it - and I'm not going to lie to you....this now 335 pound body can do way more shit than I thought it could! Seriously. It amazes me every day. I'm still horribly out of shape. I get winded, and so sweaty, and sometimes woozy....but I'm doing it! I'm doing all of these things I couldn't have even considered doing 5 months ago. And even though I am proud of myself when it's over, and amazed by what this still really overweight body can do, I can't get my damn brain to shut up!!!!

So I deal with this negative Natalie brain, which is understandable to a point - - I mean, I put my emotional/mental well-being through he ringer as well being as heavy as I was. And was so heavy, and damn near immobile, for so long that my brain is having a hard time adjusting. Just now I had to correct my last sentence - it said I "have been so heavy"...I switched it up to "was so heavy". Baby steps. So I'll continue to tell it to shut the fuck up when needed, and I'll just keep trying to show it that we can do a lot more things now than we used to. It no longer has to live in fear...or at least not nearly as much fear...because we're kicking more ass every day.

I thought back to my liquid diet I was on pre-op vs. now. I was sooooo miserable during those 3 weeks of liquids. I was scared and hungry and questioning if this was going to be a complete disaster...and even with the stuff I mentioned about I can say without fail this is the best decision I have ever made. I'm getting my life back, and this life is pretty damn good. 

Looking at having Weight Loss Surgery?

I've been in contact with a few people in various pre-surgery stages, who have had a few questions for me. Although some of them may have been answered in previous posts - I felt like I should dedicate one post to things I think helped pre-surgery, things I wish I would have known, things that worked for me. Hopefully it will help at least a few people heading into one of the biggest days of their life....

**Disclaimer** I'm learning that all programs are different. Please listen to your doctors, nurses, nutritionists, psychologists and surgeons. This is just my take on my experiences, and should not replace the words of medical professionals. =)

Pre-Surgery

For those of you that have started, you are likely feeling like the whole process is a bit daunting. So may appointments, approvals, etc just to get to the actual surgery! I know I just got burned out on the whole thing, thought I had approvals I didn't have and thought I was further along than I was. Ask the questions. Have I been cleared for surgery by this department? I thought I had been by 2 departments, when I wasn't - and it just caused more delays. 

Exercise. I am certain the fact that I pushed through the enormous amount of pain and discomfort to exercise prior to my surgery played a huge role in how well my recovery went. Having done some abdominal work...having gotten my body used to walking...just making myself move - - I'm am confident it helped me after my surgery. 

Going on a bon voyage tour with all of your favorite foods. Even though I was told by my nutritionist that I would be able to basically eat everything post-surgery (eventually), my brain felt like I needed to eat all of my favorites. Repeatedly. I can vouch for the fact that you will be able to eat your favorites after surgery. It may take a bit for your new baby tummy to toughen up a bit - but you will be able to have your favorites...just less of them, and in moderation. I haven't run into anything that's "off limits" except my beloved Diet Coke. Damn you carbonation!

When you are heading into surgery, and still weigh well-over 400 pounds, you have to sign extra forms. Forms that detail the issues that might come up post surgery: leaks, blood clots, etc. The issue is, that if you are over 400#, the machines/scanners that they would normally use to detect said issues won't work for you, because you're too heavy.  If you're like me - this is when the nightmare scenarios will start taking over your mind. When you will start to believe that there is a pretty good chance you're just not going to wake up after the surgery because you're too damn fat to have weight loss surgery. But you will wake up. You will be fine. They just have to cover their asses, while helping you to shrink yours.

your life during the liquid diet

Liquid Diet. Now this is where I see the biggest discrepancy amongst the different programs. For me, and my program, I could only have liquids, jello and sugar-free popsicles. Some can have a no-carb meal once a day. But that is not how it worked for me. The minimum number of days to be on liquids with my program was 10. I had to be on liquids for 21 days. THREE WEEKS, people. Because I was so heavy they wanted me to drop as much weight as possible to get me into a safer weight range prior to surgery. There is just no way to sugar coat this for you....the liquid diet is absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done. I was miserable the entire time. I was hungry, the entire time. I'd be at work and people would make food....I swear...someone was going to get hurt. The issue is that you still have a human sized stomach, but aren't getting anywhere near enough to put in it. The reason I was having surgery is because I love food - - and you have to go cold turkey! It's just awful. We can really only be grateful that I survived, and so did everyone else. =) 

The night before / Day of surgery

sticky towelettes & directions

The night before my surgery I was advised to take a 1 hour shower. Seriously. 1 hour. I couldn't have stood for an hour at that point of my life if I needed to, so I soaked in a bath for 30 minutes, and rinsed for 15. I was given these big towelettes of antibacterial solution to use in a very specific order after the shower. They said it would dry, but it never really does. You'll be sticky. It's gross. And then in the AM, you cannot shower again. I got to do a PTA (pussy, tits and ass - - thank you Grandma Betty) wipe down before heading to the hospital. You will feel kind of icky.

 Then you get to try to sleep. I wish you well, on that. I was like a kid before Christmas. Probably got about 2 hours of sleep due to the aforementioned nightmare scenarios running through my head.

There were to be no liquids after midnight. Gratefully, I was to check in pretty early in the AM, so I didn't have to sit around thinking about all the things I couldn't eat and drink. But as soon as you get put into your pre-op room, they'll ask you to pee in a cup. Good luck with that, as we weren't able to drink for hours... 

You get weighed, blood drawn, temp taken, etc. Strip and get into your surgery gown. If you're anything like me, your anxiety manifests itself in the form of perspiration. Lots and lots of perspiration. But luckily my hospital had these really sexy gowns that hooked up to a hose and they could pump cool air into it. Never been more grateful for anything in my life. Then your family, or friends, or whoever you want can come in to visit...trying to keep you calm and sane prior to them wheeling you off. The nurse will get you hooked up to your IV - make sure that's comfortable - it will be in for like 2 days. 

They'll wheel you off into the surgery room - or at least I think it was the surgery room - I was only conscious for about 2 minutes. They had me transfer to the table. Strapped my arms down. Put the compression things on my legs (that tighten & loosen to keep the blood moving and avoid clots during, and after surgery). They'll warn you they'll put you under, and then you're gone...off into sleepy time. 

the look of nausea

When I woke up after my surgery I was in a room with tons of other people. The nurse started talking to me right away. My first thought: "YES!!!! I WOKE UP!!!". My 2nd thought: "holy shit! what's sitting on my chest!?!?!". By far the worst part of the next few days was the gas pain. They pump you full of air during the surgery - but sadly haven't figured out a way to suck it back out. You have to wait for it to "pass"...and mine was in no hurry to do so. Eventually they wheel you to your actual room. Through what feels like the whole hospital. On elevators, in hallways, with complete strangers. The good part is you're so drugged up you don't even care that you're likely drooling, and possibly snoring for part of it - - but this move made me so nauseous. I never actually got sick, but it had to have been close. The nurses take off your surgery gown, and basically just cover your cloth gown. Another perk - they do have larger beds for their larger patients - so I didn't feel like I was spilling out of the thing! And then you sleep on and off. They start the pain meds - take them. Trust me. And start the anti-gas meds as soon as they offer. 

A few hours after getting back into your room they want you up, out of bed. I had to move to the chair next to my bed. I was sure my legs would give out, but they didn't. I had to sit there and attempt to drink water. They gave me 2 cups like the size that come with Nyquil. I had to try to drink one in 30 minutes. After that test, they want you to go for a short walk. This is when they cover your shoulders with a robe (because you have the IV in one hand, so can't use the sleeve) and hope like hell it doesn't fall off so you moon everyone. 

The first night for me sucked. The gas pain was pretty bad. My CPAP machine kept making my oxygen reader I was wearing on my finger go off. It was anti-restful. The next day I was feeling a little better - - but then I slept the entire day. People came to visit, but I barely remember, and didn't really participate at all. When I did wake up, I'd take a short stroll. They also put this thing in your toilet to catch your urine. I think they track it in some way - but that was kind of gross/annoying. 

 The first week

The 2nd morning I was free. My sister drove me home. I barely remember it. I was on Oxy for the pain - and I was out of it to say the least. I do not understand how people take that every day. Be prepared for more nausea on the way home. Once you get there, you will likely sleep on and off for the next few days. I was lucky enough to get a recliner that had been my uncle Dan's. I slept in that for over a week, probably closer to 2. My incisions were too tender to try and lay down, and I was nervous I'd never be able to get back up if I were to lay down. Mobility was much less of an issue than I thought it would be. I had serious concerns that I wouldn't even be able to wipe myself - which ended up not being a problem. I kept a pillow over my stomach most of the time - especially when standing up. Something about the pressure helps your incisions not scream at you. I did a few short walks a day. I filled a gallon freezer bag with water to make a big ice pack. I used that on my stomach after the walks to keep swelling down. 

Be prepared - - you will have to give yourself (or talk someone else into) giving you shots in your stomach for a week. I guess that helps with blood clots too. I got pretty good at it by the end of the week - but I gave myself a number of huge bruises. I was off all of my anti-nausea and pain meds within 2 days of being home. I finally took my first poop on day 4 or 5. And seriously - the first time I farted I was ready to throw a party! It is no time to worry about being lady-like! It is necessary to feel better. Embrace it. And ladies - - be prepared for your cycle to be insane. I had my period for 2 weeks straight after surgery. Then mine went back to normal. Some others weren't so lucky. Just one more thing to be aware of. 

Toward the end of the first week I noticed that water was starting to taste like metal. I also had a metal taste in my mouth that I just couldn't get rid of!! I was brushing my teeth like 10 times a day trying to get rid of it! It took about 3 weeks for me to find out that that is normal. It's Ketosis, I believe. Something that happens when you're dropping weight really quickly. I was told lemons & limes in your water would help. Nothing really seemed to help, so everything had to be flavored for me. I still drink watered down Powerade Zero. 

I was warned I might have an aversion to sweets after surgery, and boy did I. I couldn't choke down a protein shake without feeling nauseous for 3 hours. I tried to power through - but finally had to go to my nurse for some advise. I stopped the protein shakes, and started drinking Fairlife milk. I HATE milk, but it was a must according to my program. I'd drink 7oz of white w/ 3oz of chocolate. It did the trick. I didn't feel like I was going to vomit most of the day. The moral of this story is - if something isn't working for you, call your nurse right away! Don't make yourself miserable. 
 

And then....

My program moved...sloooooooowwwwwwllllllly to say the least. I finally got to have watered down yogurt or tomato soup after that first week. Everything the consistency of apple sauce. After 2 weeks of that nonsense, I could move onto pureed foods. I took a hardboiled egg with some mayo, mustard, and a little milk and threw it in a food processor. That first bite may have been the greatest thing I've ever eaten! I lived on those eggs and refried beans with hotsauce for the week. Then finally, the next week, I got to have berries. Still a really limited list of things - but at least a couple things that required chewing. So it took me a month to get to the point that I had to chew. It took me another 2 months to get to the point that I could actually have something that made a sound. It was right around the 2 month mark post-op that I seriously almost lost my mind. I was so tired of the limited diet. I was so tired of being told "no". I was so tired of the extremely long list of things I still couldn't have. I just wanted a raw vegetable, damn it!! 

It was toward the end of the pre-op liquid diet, and the first couple of months of my limited post-op diet that I realized just how comforted I was by food. How the act of eating soothed me. It helped me understand why I would have larger than needed (by needed I mean I would have been content with less food - wouldn't have gotten to the point of stuffed, but definitely wouldn't have felt hungry) meals. It was like my security blanket. Anything that was going wrong...or right... could be made better by food. The act of eating was therapeutic for me. Now that I'm 4+ months out, those feelings are much less frequent...but it was really rough there for a while. 
  
But hang in there. One day they'll tell you to go for it, but be smart. And even though you can have anything you want, you won't even need it. Just being able to have it is such a huge step! And your body will tell you when to slow down... your mouth will start to water if you go too fast, or try to eat too much. And that reminds me - don't eat, and then lay down! I made that mistake just one time. Not sure on the cause, but it took me about 5 minutes of deep breathing and lots of swallowing to make the "holy shit, I'm going to puke!" feeling pass. 

I've been very lucky. I see, and communicate, with a few people who have gotten sick a number of times when trying to eat or drink. I, knock on wood, haven't. Other than the protein shakes right after surgery, I haven't had any issues. I urge you to touch base with your nurse if you're having consistent issues. 

I will say - I have followed the rules. I've eaten what I was supposed to, when I was supposed to. I was advised not to drink for a year (concerns about addiction transference, I believe) and I haven't. Maybe that is what has made my recovery fairly easy? Or maybe it is just luck. 

Exercise: I would do my walks after my surgery. I started to work weight-training in after about 6 weeks. I was somewhat concerned my abdominals might rebel, but I haven't had any issues. I also work with a trainer who knows what he's doing, and helps start me off slow, and build up. 

I just have one more thing I want to touch on. This is really none of my business what you choose to do - but I'm going to throw my 2 cents out there anyway. Regarding the Scale - - I weigh myself once a week. That is it. I feel like most of us are so damn excited by those numbers going down that we want to check in on it frequently. I feel like that's just setting yourself up for a letdown. Our bodies inexplicably fluctuate. Trying to make sense of what you did, or didn't do, on a daily basis to see the number you're seeing is just a recipe for disaster. Please - don't put that extra pressure on yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy your non-scale victories as much, if not more, than your scale victories. At the end of the day I think we all did this to feel better, to be healthier, to be able to do more. Yes - a lower number is awesome, but if you're feeling good who gives a shit what the scale says?

Good luck to you. I hope your surgery goes well, and your recoveries are a breeze. Don't hesitate to contact me if you have questions. I'm more than willing to share anything I have that might help. Good health to you all!

Body Awareness

One of the things that allowed me to keep functioning...well, somewhat functioning, before I had my surgery was the fact that I never really realized how big I was. Yes - if I was aware of potential issues with going to unfamiliar places - - seating, walking, standing, etc. Yes - I would immediately become aware during those instances where the general public thought it their place to comment on my size. But day-to-day, task-to-task, it wasn't a consideration. I knew I was overweight. I knew my physical capabilities were limited. But that just became so commonplace that I didn't even really give it a second thought most of the time.

Now that I've dropped 155 pounds, it is strange to me how much more aware I am of my body. Things it can do. Things it still can't do (my knees - the left specifically - are still being a pain in the ass) How running errands is no longer something I need to fear. My whole body doesn't ache for the day (especially my knees & hips) because I went to Target for 20 minutes. I don't get as many looks as I used to - - possibly because any amount of movement doesn't cause me to be dripping sweat like it used to, or possibly because - dare I say - I might be slowly coming out of the "shockingly huge" body size? This is not to say that I am small by any means - - but maybe... just maybe... my size isn't quite as noteworthy as it once was? I have noticed that at work, if I need to walk over to someone's desk to ask them about a call I'm on, I don't have to sit for 15 to get back on the call because I'm so winded from walking 20 feet. I don't have to search for the closest parking spot, because any extra walking is taxing.

As much as I'm paying more attention to my physical presence - I'm also still completely oblivious to changes is so many other ways. Just last night were a few reminders - - I still brace myself when stepping off a curb. I used to almost have to turn sideways to step down off the curb because my knees couldn't support me walking/stepping down like 99.9% of the population would. I still look at a flight of stairs with dread - but I wasn't even winded when I got to the top of it. We walked up this inclined ramp to get into the grandstand, and I felt that old familiar panic before we started up it. But I can do it now. Yes - I was sweaty after walking up the ramp, through the enclosed building, down 2 flights of stairs and then up a flight - but not dripping sweat - just kind of sweaty. I wasn't out of breath. I didn't need to take a break. I can do it now. But my brain hasn't quite absorbed the fact that I can do it. It still doubts me. I guess I'll just have to keep pushing it until that pesky fat brain decides to get with the program.

waiting for Alabama w/ the fam, and greatest photo bomber

My ass, on the other hand, is still an issue. Seating, is still an issue. But I'm trying to fight my tendency to act like a complete bitch when my size-anxiety/uncomfortable feelings come up. We went to the Alabama concert at in the Grandstand at the MN State Fair last night. Last year I was too huge/immobile to go join my fam - so I was pretty damn excited to go this year. We took the bus, walked around a bit, and then headed to our seats. The "floor" seats in the grandstand are basically folding chairs hooked together. 30 of them in a line, with no space between then. Now - although my rear end has gotten a bit smaller - it has not gotten small enough to fit on a folding chair without spilling over. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into - but that didnt' stop the old feelings of panic. But my family was awesome. My mom took the end seat of our group, so I could smash in between my sisters with tiny butts. About 5 minutes after sitting down I could feel the anxiety leaving because I was so happy to be there with them - and I could tell they were pretty happy I was there too. My brain will continue to be a tricky bitch, but I just need to keep trying things. No longer letting the fear determine my activities.

The good news is, with the volume of squats Scott seems to think I need to be doing these days, my ass will be shrinking in no time!

Carbs: The Scariest Food Group

This will likely come as no shock to anyone who has had WLS (weight loss surgery), but for the rest of you I'll let you in on a secret - - carbs are not our friend. Or at least over-doing it on carbs is frowned upon for those of us living with a hammock. And I'm not talking about natural carbs, like fruit. I'm talking about the delicious, life-giving carbs...pasta, bread, rice, etc. I've had a number of friends do low carb diets over the years - Atkins, South Beach, etc. I have always said I'd rather do a all-carb diet than try to live like that. On more than one occasion I've said I don't want to live in a world without carbs.

That being said - I am now able to have carbs. I was advised to keep under control, but they were no longer "forbidden" as they had been for the first 3 months after surgery. Here is another point where "fat brain" rears it's ugly head - because let's be honest...my pre-surgery body was built on carbs. Many, many, many carbs. So much bread. SOOOOOO much bread. Preferably with butter, garlic and cheese on it. Or with a ridiculously topped burger between it. Pasta? Love. Rice? Give it to me. Although it offered next to no nutritional value, bread was life for me.

So permission to enter back into that world gave me pause. My nurse told me "you'll never be able to eat bread like you used to" (bless you, hammock) which was somewhat comforting - but I also know I can allow myself to work around my current limitations if I want to. Yes - I can only eat so much at a time...but I could still allow myself to eat frequently. That is one of the things my friend M, who had this surgery a few years ago said...he's sometimes finds he's eating when he's "not full" rather than when he's hungry.

I've avoided carbs for the most part, because I don't trust myself. It seems easier to just stay away, than find out the hard way that their siren call is more than I can resist. It's really starting to annoy me though. I need to get carbs coursing through my veins to be able to have the energy to do the things I want to do. So I'm trying to gear myself up to work a some into my diet here and there - sweet potatoes, a bit of rice, a tortilla here and there. But I will likely never again buy a loaf of bread. My nurse told me she can't keep nuts in her house - she doesn't trust herself. For me, it's bread. I was wondering if anyone sells bread by the slice? Something to ask Panera the next time I'm in the neighborhood.....

I have told you all of this, to finally get to my point. I was meeting my fellow VSG/WLS friend M for dinner. I told him to choose the place based on any cravings he might be having. What does he pick? Pasta. The same place we went for his "last meal" before he started his liquid diet before his surgery. The second I read the text I was filled with panic. SHIT!!!! Pasta. And this place also serves this really delicious, warm, salty/peppery bread w/ seasoned olive oil before the meal. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!!!!!! I tried to calm myself by reminding myself of what my nurse had said - - 80/20. Eat on plan 80% of the time. Allow yourself to live a little 20% of the time. I could do this....

Left = before, Right = after

I looked at the menu in advance. I picked out 2 dishes that seemed like they'd be ok - both had chicken. I abstained when the initially brought the bread to the table. I didn't want to hog hammock space, and was slightly concerned I wouldn't stop if I started. I ordered the special - cheese tortellini with spinach and red pepper with chicken. When it arrived I tried to make sure to get a bunch of the chicken down. I enjoyed the cheese in the tortellini because....cheese! It was delicious. I ate slowly so I'd be sure to recognize when I was full. I stopped well before the miserable stage. I even had the salt/pepper top of one of the pieces of bread when I was done. And I had a ton of leftovers.

Now this is a double-edged sword. I love that I can get 2-3 meals out of a standard meal in a restaurant. But I realized I have typically picked things that are still within my plan - so having the leftovers isn't an issue. Like the night we went for pizza - I sent the rest home with my sister, because I would have eaten pizza for ever meal until it was gone - and that is no bueno. But this time I now have 2 more servings of pasta at my house. (I didn't take home any bread) It will test my will, but I am actually feeling very confident that I'll be fine. I'll split them up so I'm not having pasta every day. I'll be more diligent about my other meals to make sure I'm keeping them a little more lean than I normally pay attention to. This was a huge hurdle for me, and I'm feeling confident that I can be responsible...even with the temptation of the dreaded carbs.

Do you have anything that you just can't allow yourself to keep in your house because you just don't trust yourself?

4 months, 2 days

It is unbelieveable to me that it's already been 4 months since my surgery. Time has flown by. There are the occasional hiccups - but I am definitely grateful the vast majority of the days that I decided to finally go for it. Since my surgery I've lost 80 pounds. It's absolute madness that I've lost 150 pounds through this process....and that I still have so many to go!!!

About 2 months ago, my youngest sister Mackenzie (see also: my activity coach) said I should do the 5K walk at the "Rock the Pavement" even on August 20th (this morning). I thought that seemed like a reasonable timeframe to work up to walking 3 miles, so I recruited my kind friend Stephanie to walk with me. And a deadline was established. What better way to celebrate my 4-month surgiversary? 

In those 2 months we did a few walks that were about 3 miles - so although I move at the pace of a tortoise, I knew I could cover that distance. I was feeling pretty good about things - and then this week hit. I had my most exhausting work rotation, oversleeping and missing a walk, one day where I was not feeling well at all, a day in the 90 degree heat at the fair and a day of laziness to conserve energy. 

What I have learned is that apparently having a bit of an off week leading up to something with actual parameters/expectations will allow 495-pound Natalie brain to come in and completely fuck everything up. Now let me say that I fully understand there should have been no reason for panic or anxiety about this morning - - I have covered this distance in the not so distant past. I suspected our Uber would be able to drop us off near the starting line. But that mattered very little to my crazed brain......

I couldn't sleep last night. It was like I was somehow transported back to the days prior to losing some weight - prior to this surgery - where every event, especially those to a somewhat unfamiliar area, were cause for a total freak out. I was trying to figure out how the driver could get us as close to the starting line as possible (we were able to pull into a lot right near the action). I was losing it over the fact that I may have to walk a little over 3 miles to get to, and back from, the actual race/walk path - and I'd only ever really walked those 3 miles! Everything that was added on was pushing further and further from my tested distance! (insert extreme eye roll here) The only legitimate concern I had was the standing. I still hate standing...or rather, my knees still hate standing. But even that was going to be within reason. But try telling that to my whirlwind brain when I'm trying to sleep.

So we got there - and it immediately started to rain. I guess my constant requests to "please don't be too humid" were heard - - but overcorrected. It rained the entire time. we were drenched. My white tshirt was maybe not my best decision, but at least the logo was covering my boobs. Due to the crap weather, there wasn't the anticipated turn-out. We started our walk a little early - figuring if we were going to get rained on, we might as well be moving. I am still slow-as-shit, but we finished. I was grateful for both of my activity coaches today. I am also grateful that is over with.

Other than that, the last month has been somewhat uneventful. Just trying to eat mostly protein and some fats - - working in a carb here and there. So happy to have had pizza a couple of weeks ago - it is still my fave, so I'll have to watch that one. I have had a few protein shakes, and they don't seem to make me nauseous anymore, which is a total win. I recognize I'm in the honeymoon phase - and am happy to still be here. I have days every now and then where I just want to stuff things I don't need into my face (cheese curds, chips & salsa, french fries) but I think that's normal. So far these wants have been short-lived, which is awesome. I still miss diet coke everyday, but alas it is not to be. 

I'm trying to move my ass more - - I genuinely enjoy my walks (typically right around a mile & a half) so those no longer feel like absolute torture. I am slowly but surely seeing improvements. I still have shit for energy, which is somewhat frustrating - but will hopefully improve now that I can actually drink more of my protein - hopefully allowing some space for some well-placed carbs.

Most of the time, life is pretty damn swell. I'm trying to roll with it - not put too much pressure on myself, but also now allow myself to slip back into old/lazy habits. My body is changing - able to do more than I would have thought it would at this point. Now if I can just figure out how to shutdown my crazed brain when it rears it's ugly head, I'll really be getting somewhere..... 

It's the Little Things

So much has changed for me since April 18th. Not only did I lose a sizable portion of my stomach, and my gall bladder (which I am SO THANKFUL they ripped out while they were in there rooting around!! There are so many weight-loss surgery patients that have to go back and have a 2nd surgery to remove it. More pain, more recovery. Yuck) but the removal of those two things marked the start of something that has been pretty damn fantastic so far - - a willingness to participate.

Most of the changes I've seen in myself over the last 3-1/2ish months are likely what you'd expect. I can do more, because I weigh less. My clothes are a little looser. My joints don't scream at me quite as much as they used to. My grocery bill has gone down because I eat baby amounts thanks to my hammock. But what I have been the most surprised about are the little things.

The little things are not anything a person who hasn't been severely overweight would likely even think about. Like getting my laundry out of the washing machine - - I can actually bend over, and get the stuff off the bottom/stuck to the sides so much easier than I used to be able to. Running errands - - I used to dread them. My knees would ache so much by the time I was done. I'd be dripping in sweat. I would strategize about exactly where everything was I needed, and how to get to them with fewest amount of steps - - Now I'm all over the damn store finding all sorts of crap I don't need. Things as common as washing and putting on lotion. I won't elaborate - - but let's just say it's easier. I can sort of bend at my waist a bit now - I can actually reach my feet to tie my shoes without the ridiculous amount of effort that used to require. I now appreciate being able to go for a short stroll to stretch out my legs, instead of trying to figure out everything I could possibly ever need in one trip so I wouldn't have to get back up for a while. I no longer worry about how far I'm going to have to walk if I go somewhere - - I still don't want to have to stand once I get there - - but the walking part is no problem. Getting into, and out of, my car. My FUPA no longer rests on my steering wheel, so I don't feel like I'm ripping it off my body every time I try to get out of my car. Basically - everything is just getting a little bit easier...and that is a really welcome feeling.

Team Unicorn

 I'm still trying to figure out how to work carbs back into my life - - just to help with my energy level. Day-to-day, I'm great. But when I have my workouts with Scott, or my longer walks, or even golfing (with a cart - but still kind of a lot of moving around) I just get wiped by the end of it!

Saturday I golfed 18 holes (best ball tournament - I could never play 18 with my own shots - - I'd still be out there!) with Team Unicorn at the OGBB Fundraiser. It was awesome. So entertaining, got to see a bunch of my friends, and I didn't feel like I was going to completely drop by the time it was over. I'm seeing improvements in my stamina, and that is just awesome. The whole point of me having this surgery was to be more active - - and I'm getting there....slowly, but surely. I'm looking forward to the point where I can do a few more intense things within a couple of days of each other, and not have my legs feel like they're filled with lead. That's the current dream, people!

Rosemount Irish 10U A - State Champs, 3rd at Nationals

I spent Sunday watching some amazing young ladies rebound from their toughest loss to date, and play 5 straight games coming back through the losers bracket. I was even there to watch them beat a team that had bested them at all of their previous meetings this season. I am so grateful to these kiddos, and their parents. Their season was just getting started soon after my surgery, and they gave me something really awesome to focus on, other than myself (and my occasional annoyance with this process). They gave me a reason to get out of the house. I made it to as many games as I could, and watched them improve so much. They put up with my incessant cheering (which likely sounds like yelling) and pacing and excitement. I can't imagine being a parent! I was just the aunt, and I felt so invested! They were my first "Aha moment" after surgery - because I realized I never would have been at their games if I hadn't had this surgery. I would have missed all of these fantastic accomplishments by my niece. And they helped me see a glimmer of that competitive person I used to be. I had lost that a long time ago...likely buried under about 138 pounds of dormancy. Being a really small part of their amazing season was a gift, and I am genuinely sad to see it end.

My nieces and nephew were one of the major reasons I decided to do it. My nephew Grady continues to be my biggest cheerleader - I got told "Natalie! You look better!!" when I saw him last Thursday. I think that counts as a pretty nice compliment from a 5 year old? I want to be an active member of their lives. I want to enjoy spending time with them that doesn't necessarily involve the couch. I don't want to miss a single one of the amazing things they're going to do, because they're awesome and I absolutely love and adore them. I can't wait to see what the future holds for them!

 There are so many things that have changed in such a short time...and so many things that are going to change for me in the months to come.... I just hope they're all as awesome as what I've experienced so far, because live is pretty damn good right now...and only getting better.