The Fear

I admit it. I tend to watch a lot of weightloss shows. The Biggest Loser, Thintervention and DietTribe to name a few. The only one currently on is BL. I spend half of the show annoyed - because Ali and Jillian tend to drive me bonkers. Ali because....well - she just does. I can't point to any one thing. Jillian because the volume of yelling she does bothers me. The fact that she then tries to instantly switch into a shrink, and wants to talk feelings - just bugs me. But still I tune in...every week.  

As a morbidly obese (good Lord, I hate that term!) person, I find it fascinating. I spend a large amount of my viewing time just being grateful that I am not there, and don't have to do those workouts. I can just picture Jillian standing in front of my treadmill yelling "RUN BITCH!!" at me until I go flying off the back of it! But I think anyone that is as big as me would agree - this show gives us hope. I see that they are eating well, and exercising...and WOW do they exercise. These people lose 100+ pounds in 3 months! Sure...I could walk a 5K when I got back from FC, but these guys run a marathon after like 4-6 months!

So I was watching this week's episode, and got kind of choked up. The trainers took the contestants outside for a (completely staged and not at all relaxed) talk about when they go home. What is their plan, what are their fears, what are their questions. It just took me back to my feelings before I left FC - and how much I have completely failed at times since I left. I was so ready to go by the time I was leaving - and I was still riding the high of my success at FC - that I got cocky. Like "whatever - I don't like french fries or pizza, and I may never want or need to eat them again". Oh how foolish I can be. 

One of the contestants talked about how nervous he was that he would go back to eating nothing but crap, and secretly going through the drive-thru. I wanted to tell him - magically through the TV and his pre-recorded program - that those are very valid concerns. I was so sure when I left FC that I would just roll right down to my ideal weight - and I didn't. I had to take a hiatus from healthy living from about the middle of June through the middle of October. 

I have gotten myself back on track. I am eating very well the majority of the time, and I am doing very well with getting my exercise in - but I still have the fear. Pizza and french fries still call to me - almost daily. On occasion I give in. But what if I can't get myself on track? What if I can't keep the giving in to "occasionally"? What if I just completely stop exercising? What if I allow myself to go back to my old lifestyle of sitting and eating, and sitting and eating? What if....the fear becomes a reality?

The rational side of my brain knows that I can't worry about "what ifs"- but the fear of going back to that girl I used to be is always there. I haven't lost nearly as much weight as I thought I would by this time. I even gained some back. But I am actively doing something about it. I am committed to going to the gym, and working out. I am making an effort to eat healthy foods, low in sodium, and lots of fruits and veggies. I feel 1000 times better than I did a year ago. I may fall of track again, but I believe I will also get myself back on it. I know I won't let the fear win.