Letter to the Creator of Running Shorts

Dearest Creator of the Running Short,

What were you thinking? I confess - I am not a runner. Never have been, never hope to be. I did, however, play sports in high school where much running was involved. I don't recall a time where I would have thought extremely thin material, without a side seam, would have seriously enhanced my performance. I used to wear nylon "Umbro" shorts, polyester coaches shorts, mesh shorts, cotton shorts - there was even a time where I thought mens boxers made fantastic shorts. None of these made me long for freedom from the restrictions caused by my outer seams, and I would like to add that they were all less offensive. 

 

I am willing to accept that they may somehow be nice for professional runners. I can't imagine how, but I am open to the possibility. But the creation of this item has caused other issues. I saw a man last summer, who took it one step further, and was running around the lakes in a loin cloth. Seriously. Do you see what you started?!? 

By mass producing these items, and allowing anyone to buy them, you have caused me pain. There is an older man at my gym who wears the same outfit every time I see him. Teal t-shirt and black running shorts. I suspect he is not a part of the "professional runner" group, as I have yet to see him run. Ever. And I see him about 3 times a week. 

Instead he walks around the weight area, and sits on the weight benches. Now you and I know there is barely enough material in those shorts to properly cover his....valuables...from resting directly on the bench. 

But this fan of your work took things to a new level on Wednesday. I suspected, by the way he carries himself, that he considers himself to be a pretty big deal. He does. I was on a machine across from him when he needed to answer a call on his cell phone. Somewhat annoying, but not my issue here. While he was talking on his phone he decided to get more comfortable, or stretch, or something.... because he put his foot up on top of one of the machines. Higher than the foot of a person wearing your ridiculous shorts should ever put their foot. The complete lack of material left his junk completely lacking coverage. 

I almost started to choke, right in the middle of my set! Mr. Man was oblivious. He finally put his foot down, and I thought the worst was over. I was wrong. Yep. Up went the other foot. Unacceptable!! I can also assure you that he is not a big deal, if you know what I mean. 

Is it your fault that he violated my eyes in such a way? Not directly, no. But if people can sue McDonalds for having hot coffee, or sue K-Mart because you bought a sled there and broke your neck - then I can hold you accountable for this. I am certain of it. 

Please do me, and the rest of society, a favor. Discontinue the manufacturing of running shorts immediately. 

I appreciate your time, and attention to this matter. 

Sincerely, 

Natalie Kath