Under Construction

Any good Minnesota resident knows - if the roads aren't covered with snow and ice, then half of them are being ripped up and repaired in some manner! It seems I can't get anywhere these days without merging, or detouring, or both. It is kind of how I would describe my life in general right now.

Nothing is easy. Nothing is a straight shot. No task can be completed incident-free. Or at least this is the way things seem. Now it could just be my crazy brain is giving me this skewed interpretation....and it is extremely likely that that is the case...but it is still causing me angst. So I am going to take things back, to when I shared everything with you guys. I'm going to be honest - not that I was intentionally trying to not be honest  - but I've gone off the grid. So here we go...here's my vomiting of facts: (that paints a really pretty word picture, doesn't it?)

• My slacking has been completely unacceptable for the month of July. There is really no other way to put it. And because I am going to earn that iPad - I am now in big trouble for August! Lots of ground to make up. But I will do it.
• I have been eating like absolute crap. Not just a little. A LOT. Lite on the veggies, heavy on the grease. It is not a recipe (pun intended) for success.
• I have actually had a few interviews/phone interviews over the past couple of weeks - and hopefully they'll turn into something. Someone has to realize how magnificent I am - right?
• I have allowed my obsession over my job-hunt completely derail everything else. It made a really handy excuse to be lazy as hell.
• One bright spot right now is that a book is printed, with my name on it, and that is pretty frickin sweet
• I have determined that alcohol is not my friend. It makes me walk into pools with my clothes on. It makes me sing karaoke. It has even caused a victory dance to be choreographed, and performed, by me. It basically gives me the green light for all things jackass-like. I need to go back on the wagon. (Please note that I don't have a drinking problem - I've gone over-board twice in the last month, and that's a lot for me over the past couple of years. It is just one more thing I've let slip.)

The one in the blue is me last Saturday night!

 So that's what I've been up to. Just derailing and obsessing. I had made a comment, or at least thought about making a comment, in a previous post about how job-hunting is like dating. It is true. Or at least it's like my form of dating. Or what I can remember of dating ... it's been a while. Here are the similarities, as I see them:

• Sending out a resume is like giving out your number. You wonder if your resume will get them interested enough to pursue you. With a guy it's like: Will he call? Did he like what he saw of me enough to make the effort to learn more?
• The interview is like the first date. With the interview you get kind of nervous. You try to be yourself, but it's a guarded version of yourself. Same way on a first date. You get butterflies. Some friends need a cocktail or two before, just to settle their nerves. (hey - maybe I should have been doing that before my interviews?) You try to be as honest as you can without over-sharing. You try to be witty, and sound smart, and smile. With the interview, or the guy, you don't want them to see all of your crazy up front! You want to ease into it over the next few (or few thousand) meetings.
• Post-Interview and Post-first date: will they call? Was I what they were looking for? Did I say too much? Should I have shared that story? Did they think I was qualified - to be their office bitch, or their girlfriend - because everyone has a bit of a checklist? Did I scare them away? Should I have laughed at that? I was basically just being myself - - was that too much for them?

And I've discovered a negative of this cell-phone carrying, always in touch, day and age! (I can't even believe I'm saying this - because I LOVE MY GADGETS!!) But if you were starting to date before the world had cell phones you might be able to relate to this - - you got sick of staring at the phone, and willing it to ring. You could feel yourself going batty, hoping he'd call. So what did you do? You got the hell out of the house! For any reason! I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to run to Target, and wander for an hour. This would be the perfect time to buy stamps! Whatever you could come up with to kill some time so you didn't just sit there, gradually losing your mind. But now there are cell phones, that we carry with us at all times. And we get our emails directly to those phones. I am so grateful for technology most of the time - but now it is a bit of a curse!  No matter where I go, it's with me. Taunting me with it's non-ringing and non-email-indicating-buzzing. The good news is that I leave it in the car when I'm at the gym. So I talked myself into going today. It was a nice break. =) And hopefully I'll be able to do it tomorrow. And the day after. Until something fantastic comes my way, and this nuttiness can subside.

So there you have it. Job-hunting is the new dating. And cell phones, for all of their great perks, can be the devil.

I hope you're all having a more productive month than I am! I promise to be more inspiring going forward. Enough is enough!

Vampires Trump Overweight?

I am borderline ashamed to admit this - but I usually tend to get sucked into the reality show "The Bachelor". I have avoided a few seasons - having the sense not to watch even one episode. It only takes one, you know. One episode of 10-20 crazed women consenting to all date, make out with, and probably do much more than that with - the same guy. It is insanity. And I just can't look away. So it was with my usual sense of morbid curiosity that I tuned in to the first episode last week. They have upped the absurdity this season by welcoming back Brad (the guy who dared to not pick either of the women the first time he was the bachelor). Like they don't have any other guys who are willing to let 20 crazies fight over them.

I couldn't quite watch the entire episode...it was too much for even me. I forwarded to the end, where I knew I would find the real gem: previews of the season. It was during these previews that I noticed something I couldn't quite believe. The lady with fangs made it through the first round! For those of you that don't get sucked into this crap - let me elaborate. There is a girl - who auditioned, and was chosen to be on the show - that wears fangs. Like a vampire. Like she believes she is a vampire!!!!! 

That is when I started to think...about all of the seasons of this crap (Bachelor/Bachelorette) that they have put on TV. In all...like 20 seasons?...I don't recall there ever being an "plus-sized", or overweight woman on there. Not just that there was one, and they got axed the first night. Like I honestly don't think there has ever been an overweight woman chosen to be on the show. Period. 

What in the hell has this world come to? When they allow someone so unhinged that she believes she is a vampire on the show, but don't allow anyone that is larger than a size 4. Seriously!! Crazy is better than fat? Insane is better than overweight? A woman that wears fangs is OK, but a woman with a FUPA is not?

I am not typically one to try and push the plus-sized agenda, but I just cannot wrap my head around this. I think maybe the screeners for this show have become a little too obsessed with the Twilight series!

Maybe I am in the minority? Maybe the world is more prepared to accept vampires than they are the overweight? Maybe guys really would rather be with someone with fangs than someone with some padding? Maybe fangs are like the new braces, and guys want to see what it's like to kiss someone with them? Or maybe this is the end of civilization as we know it, and we are all doomed? 

What do you guys think?

Big is Beautiful? Damn right!

I have always been a "big" girl. Back in elementary school, I was a giant (I've been 5'6" since like 5th or 6th grade) - and I think I may have been a size 2 in kindergarten...if then? Opposing teams in our Park and Rec basketball league gave me the nickname "the wall", if that gives you any indication of my size. But it wasn't meant as an insult - or at least I don't think it was. I was just tall, strong, healthy girl. When those tiny little girls would run into me, I wouldn't move. I was the wall.

Through junior high and high school, I was always one of the bigger kids, and definitely the biggest girl within my group of friends. But I was always active, I was in sports, and I was in shape. I was a "healthy" big girl. Granted - that didn't equal a lot of dates, but I just never felt particularly left out. I had crushes on the cutest, most athletic or smart guys in school - but was never shocked or hurt that it didn't turn into anything more than that. Maybe I used my delusion as a defense mechanism? Or maybe I was just genuinely content? It has been so long now, I honestly couldn't tell you. But I can say that I don't remember feeling lonely, or like I was an outsider. I got along well with the fellas - and was, and still am much of the time - one of the guys. I like sports, beer, and talkin' shit. I fit in just fine.

I came across this article about how larger women are now more accepted. There is a guy who started a "club" in 1993 for "plus-sized women and their admirers". Seriously. That is fantastic! The one thing that caught my eye was when they interviewed this entrepreneur, and he said "Guys who liked plus-sized women were in the closet — ashamed and were embarrassed about it." Holy Hell!! That was totally it! No wonder I didn't have dates in high school! Those boys would have been too embarrassed to be seen with me. Or it could have been the fact that I didn't really wear make-up. Or the fact that I had a perm all through high school, and some of the biggest bangs I  have EVER seen. Or the fact that I didn't know about eyebrow maintenance. Or the fact that I rocked my button-up shirt, buttoned to the neck, with my plaid flannel vest with my cream colored jeans and Eastlands. Good Lord! I wouldn't have dated me, either! I was a complete mess. Regardless - I have gotten myself off point....it is a little sad to wonder if that was it. To wonder if I didn't have dates in high school because of my size - which at that time was tiny compared to where I am now. I guess it had to be that....right? Because I am frickin' delightful!!

I am happy to report that college, and life after college, brought dates. Don't get me wrong - it isn't like every guy I meet hits on me - but I do get male attention. Maybe it is because once you get older, you realize it really isn't all about the outside. What a person has going on inside is way more valuable. That big can be beautiful.

I feel like I am finally getting back to a person that feels worthy of male attention. For a long time I was just completely unhealthy - which is a totally different animal. I couldn't do anything, and I didn't feel good about myself. And honestly, who is going to want you, if you don't want to be you? No one. I am happy with myself. I am proud of myself. I am comfortable in my skin again. Who gives a crap if I'm "plus-sized"? You have to walk in like you own the joint! Every night I go out, it is going to be like 'BBW' (Big Beautiful Woman) night, and I'm going to work it!

I have so far to go in this whole slimming down to sexy process - but one thing is for certain - I will NEVER be a size 2...so I will always be big and beautiful. And I am more than OK with that.

Only 2 days left of being YC's lunch-providing slave! Yippee!! Here is what he is getting for Thursday:

• Buffalo Chicken Sandwiches (2)
• 1/2 baked potato
• steamed yellow squash