Love The One You're With

Before I get rambling - we had an update from Mission 101 participant "Ann". Here it is:

• It wasn’t a good week at all…didn’t work out once and ate like crap….I was sick, and once I started feeling better, I just couldn’t find motivation for the gym.  BUT, back at it this week…I won’t let this get me down.  Still have 9 pounds to lose.  UGH!  I am going to make this my healthiest holiday season yet…
• note from natalie: LOVE the positive outlook going into what is sure to be a hard week. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Now to the blog....

I realize that this body of mine is not anything people are going to look at and covet. It has all sorts of rolls and dents and dimples (cuter name for cellulite). My stomach has so many rolls it looks like my FUPA has its own FUPA. I am a festival of stretch marks. My boobs are so flat against my upper stomach roll that if I slice them open, I can use them as extra pockets. Instead of knee caps, I have indents where you suspect they might just be. When my arms are straight, you can't tell I actually have elbows - it just looks like I have divots in my flesh. I suspect I have wrist bones, but I can't really tell because it looks like I'm wearing puffy wrist bands - but it is just my fat/flesh. My hands look more like paws, and my ankle bones are buried deep beneath what looks to be a dough-like substance.

But this body of mine - regardless of all of the issues I described above - has been good to me. When I was at my heaviest, it didn't give out on me. When steps made my knees ache...when getting up off of my couch was a full body workout...when standing for more than 2 minutes caused me to sweat...it never shut down. It allowed me to go to fat camp, and work. There were a lot of people there, a lot smaller than I was, that were sidelined by various aches and pains - while I was still able to do everything. It saved me from having to use one of those scooters in the stores, which I thought might be a possibility for a while.

Over the last month I have been reminded of what it is like to feel strong. YC has made it his personal mission to kick my ass, daily. And I appreciate him for that. I like that he doesn't look at me as a weak fat girl. One who has to be coddled and babied. He is pushing me, because he knows I can do it. I have 5 workouts, with 6-8 different exercises each, and I do at least 3 sets of each for every workout. And I can do it. This body, that from the outside doesn't look like it is capable of lifting a weight (much less many weights, that would necessitate an entire rack), can do these workouts. I can way more than even I thought I could. It may not be the body I envision when I think of my ideal - but it is the body I have. I am learning to love it, and appreciate it. Well....love might be a strong word - but I am definitely learning to appreciate all it can do, in spite of my size. And I am really going to appreciate it when it is a little smaller...and a little stronger...and a little unstoppable.

All of this love may not have translated to huge numbers in my weight lost column - but I feel awesome! I have never been too hung up on what the scale says - I just want to be healthy. To me, being healthy means also being strong. I know there are people who are able to lose weight by just cutting back on calories - and that works great for them. For me - I like to workout, too. It is the best way for me to see improvements. It makes me feel mighty. It makes me feel like I can kick ass, and I LOVE it. And even though I may not have lost a lot of weight this week - I feel like things are smaller...or more compact is the better way to word it? I have noticed small areas where I used to have pockets of blubber that are now shrinking. I am sure it is something that most people take for granted - but I can now reach spots on my back that I couldn't before. When your body is really...inflated...it is hard to reach everything! I felt like I had baby T-Rex arms, but it was really just the amount of rotundness that they had to reach around.

So after all of that rambling - here are my results for the last week of Mission 101:

• Lost 2 pounds. 45 Pounds to go to reach 101.
• Exercised 6 days with 5 weight sessions
• Tracked my calories 50% of the time
• Stayed within my calories that 50% of the time listed above =)
• No alcohol
• Limited caffeine to an average of 1 can per day

I am somewhat worried about this holiday weekend I have coming up. Two family holidays on Thursday and then cookie baking with my sisters and nieces on Friday and Saturday. I am trying something new for my return trip to Minnesota this time. I am proactively figuring out how/where I am going to workout while I am there. I have usually just treated my trips back as "time off" - but not this time. Changing behaviors slowly....I'll get this eventually.

What does healthy mean to you?

Bonus Footage: I was eating my dinner Sunday night, and was half way done with my greek chicken pita when I noticed mold on the pita. GAG! For those that are familiar with me, and myriad of food-related neuroses - I am sure you can understand my delight. I was able to finish my chicken, without the pita. I really am growing.

Big is Beautiful? Damn right!

I have always been a "big" girl. Back in elementary school, I was a giant (I've been 5'6" since like 5th or 6th grade) - and I think I may have been a size 2 in kindergarten...if then? Opposing teams in our Park and Rec basketball league gave me the nickname "the wall", if that gives you any indication of my size. But it wasn't meant as an insult - or at least I don't think it was. I was just tall, strong, healthy girl. When those tiny little girls would run into me, I wouldn't move. I was the wall.

Through junior high and high school, I was always one of the bigger kids, and definitely the biggest girl within my group of friends. But I was always active, I was in sports, and I was in shape. I was a "healthy" big girl. Granted - that didn't equal a lot of dates, but I just never felt particularly left out. I had crushes on the cutest, most athletic or smart guys in school - but was never shocked or hurt that it didn't turn into anything more than that. Maybe I used my delusion as a defense mechanism? Or maybe I was just genuinely content? It has been so long now, I honestly couldn't tell you. But I can say that I don't remember feeling lonely, or like I was an outsider. I got along well with the fellas - and was, and still am much of the time - one of the guys. I like sports, beer, and talkin' shit. I fit in just fine.

I came across this article about how larger women are now more accepted. There is a guy who started a "club" in 1993 for "plus-sized women and their admirers". Seriously. That is fantastic! The one thing that caught my eye was when they interviewed this entrepreneur, and he said "Guys who liked plus-sized women were in the closet — ashamed and were embarrassed about it." Holy Hell!! That was totally it! No wonder I didn't have dates in high school! Those boys would have been too embarrassed to be seen with me. Or it could have been the fact that I didn't really wear make-up. Or the fact that I had a perm all through high school, and some of the biggest bangs I  have EVER seen. Or the fact that I didn't know about eyebrow maintenance. Or the fact that I rocked my button-up shirt, buttoned to the neck, with my plaid flannel vest with my cream colored jeans and Eastlands. Good Lord! I wouldn't have dated me, either! I was a complete mess. Regardless - I have gotten myself off point....it is a little sad to wonder if that was it. To wonder if I didn't have dates in high school because of my size - which at that time was tiny compared to where I am now. I guess it had to be that....right? Because I am frickin' delightful!!

I am happy to report that college, and life after college, brought dates. Don't get me wrong - it isn't like every guy I meet hits on me - but I do get male attention. Maybe it is because once you get older, you realize it really isn't all about the outside. What a person has going on inside is way more valuable. That big can be beautiful.

I feel like I am finally getting back to a person that feels worthy of male attention. For a long time I was just completely unhealthy - which is a totally different animal. I couldn't do anything, and I didn't feel good about myself. And honestly, who is going to want you, if you don't want to be you? No one. I am happy with myself. I am proud of myself. I am comfortable in my skin again. Who gives a crap if I'm "plus-sized"? You have to walk in like you own the joint! Every night I go out, it is going to be like 'BBW' (Big Beautiful Woman) night, and I'm going to work it!

I have so far to go in this whole slimming down to sexy process - but one thing is for certain - I will NEVER be a size 2...so I will always be big and beautiful. And I am more than OK with that.

Only 2 days left of being YC's lunch-providing slave! Yippee!! Here is what he is getting for Thursday:

• Buffalo Chicken Sandwiches (2)
• 1/2 baked potato
• steamed yellow squash