From Fear to Success

Do you ever underestimate yourself? Do you ever assume you won't be able to do something, without even trying it? I have that. I tend to do it a LOT. Before FC my life was all about editing. Removing places I couldn't go because of seating, or the distance I'd have to walk to get there. And heaven forbid I'd have to move once I got there! Forget that! I wouldn't attempt to do anything I felt like might be the least bit of a challenge, because I was as big as a house and didn't want to look like a fool if I failed. 

Not sure why I am still holding on to my fears with a death grip? Maybe it's tied to the fact that I don't really think I've had any significant changes to my size? Or I forget that I am capable of more now than I was a year ago? Or it's just that I'm still just scared of looking like a jackass if I can't do it?

Thursday was a day to confront one of my fears. YC had me doing walking lunges while holding weights. Does this sound like a big deal? Probably not to most people. I have been doing regular lunges for a while now. But walking lunges? This is a whole other matter. I think the balance part of it is what terrifies me. The bigger you are, the less balance you have - or at least that is the way it works for me. What if I get stuck in the lunge? Completely ludicrous fear - I know I can get myself out of a lunge. But with the added weights...you just never know. What if, in the middle of the lunge, I lose my balance and just fall over? So embarrassing! Mortifying to do that in the middle of the gym. 

So I went down my list of exercises. And when it came to the walking lunges I considered skipping them. Would anyone really know? No. No one would know, except me. But isn't it kind of silly to lie? Yes, it is. So I gave it a try. I did a couple without weights. What is this? Dare I say - they were "easy"? Yes. I dare to say! They were no problem. No problem at all! I grabbed myself a couple of weights, and did my sets. They were incident-free. What a complete waste of panic! 

So...yet another lesson. Maybe I should stop underestimating myself. Maybe I should give things a try before assuming I can't do it. I am getting stronger. The list of things I am capable of is going to continue to grow (hopefully). I will add this to the list of brain changes I need to make. 

I wonder what other crap I can do that I don't know about?

Broken-ness

Lift with your legs, not your back. Who of us has not heard this before? I had it running on a constant cycle through my brain during my many...many...many hours of snow shoveling on Wednesday. I tried to use good form. I did. But at some point while using a baby shovel to move 2+ feet of snow...you're going to slip occasionally. It did not help that there was a great deal of "throwing" of snow involved. Honestly. I may be trained for a high level of performance if they decide to add this to the X games. Unfortunately, the training for an intense faux competition can cause some issues physically. 

I woke up this morning with a completely broken back. Not "needing surgery" broken, but more of the "I will shoot pains up your back if you move too quickly" type of pain. My hips were sore/tight when I went to bed on Wednesday, but were feeling much better by Thursday morning. 

When YC texted to see if I was coming in for a workout I went for honesty. I told him I was sort of broken, and felt like I might need to take a day off. Shock of all shock!! He said resting might not be an all bad idea! What?!? So I did. I took the day off. Trying to stretch periodically. I think it worked! I am feeling a thousand times better. 

Now I'm looking forward to Mission Move Your Ass, starting on Sunday. So far I have 2 joiners. Anyone else? It isn't too late! Just get me your info by this Sunday! Come on! What do you have to lose?!? It might be amazing! It WILL be amazing! Join us! You can link to the information here. I look forward to hearing from you soon! =)  

My Day in Pictures: Snow-nami

Let me start by saying: I know it is winter, and snow should be expected. That does not, however, prepare one for what I woke up to today. Complete and total snow domination! Every surface was covered with 1-5 feet of snow, depending on how the ridiculous volume of wind dealt with the obstacles on your yard. It did not make my flower flourish. I thought I would describe how my day went by using some photos I took of this day.

I looked out the front windows, and this is what greeted me:

This is what it looked like at the front door. Yes - that is Ja Lisa (who proved to be a complete beast later in the day) almost completely buried. Where is the sidewalk, you ask? Your guess is as good as mine.

Looking slightly right out the front door....yes, there is a sidewalk somewhere down there, too. The plows are nowhere in sight, and my neighbors hadn't ventured out yet either.

Here is a look at the back yard. I know it is hard to see by these pics (I took them with my phone, and tried to blow them up so they are kind of fuzzy. You would never guess I got blue ribbons on my photography projects in 4-H!) but that is a 5' drift against the garage of the lady behind me. The snow is basically 2-3 feet deep in the whole backyard/alley.

After seeing all of this, I texted YC to cancel our appt. He said he couldn't get out of his garage, so it was no problem. This storm was ridiculous.

I got to use the baby shovel to get through the waist-deep snow out to the road. It was at that time that John - the neighbor with the snow blower - returned home. SHOUT OUT to John. He did the front (perpendicular) sidewalk for me.

I found the rounded sidewalk around the house! What was awaiting me, there? A drift up to my boobs/pancakes. That was super-fun. It also helped me understand why I couldn't get out the side door.

I finally dug my trench through the back yard!! When i got to the alley I was greeted by my second hero of the day: Joel. SHOUT OUT to Joel for using his snow blower to help John clean out the alley! Diane, Katie and I shoveled off one of the parking pads, and did the edge shovel work. Our "team" was the first to have their section of the alley cleared out. I would still be out there if it wasn't for these guys. SO GRATEFUL.











After spending 2 hours on these areas, I went inside for about an hour until the plow went through. Then I got to dig JaLisa out  - the freshly plowed snow was up to the bottoms of the windows. I was too irritated at this point to continue with my photos. Thirty minutes later I was ready to try and drive out of my spot - enter "the Beast"! Got my car out on the first try! I decided to check my body bugg for my calorie burn when I got back in the house. 3500 calories burned! It was like 3:30pm! I thought I was done. But the City of Milwaukee had another surprise for me.

We had all moved our cars, so they did that side of the street now. They completely buried my sidewalk to the street. I went back out to shovel. For the third time. At least the sun was out. I was delighted to see that the snow plow had pushed snow over the mound on the boulevard, and onto the sidewalk. Another 20ish minutes to clean out my path to the street, John's path to the street (I owed him!) and our front sidewalks. Then I was done. Officially. Now I wait for the zero degree temps.

Have I mentioned how much I loathe winter? I have? OK.

NOTE: my post for yesterday didn't post until after 8pm. I am having a hard time getting the "schedule" feature to work. Incase you want to read about my crankiness! =)

Mind Over Lazy

**It is official. The "schedule" post feature doesn't appear to be working. This should have been up at 6am. GRRRRRRR.

I was greeted Tuesday morning with about 6-8 inches of snow. Not the end of the world. Shoveling isn't that bad. Actually - I partially take that back. Trying to shovel the alley is horrific. The concrete is beat to hell, and has been maintained with a series of tracks of black rubber filling the cracks. Basically, you can push your shovel no more than 4 inches before it is stopped by a said rubber tracks, or differing concrete heights. It annoys the crap out of me, to say the least. It should take me about 20 minutes to shovel, but takes closer to 40 with these noted obstacles. Sorry for the rant, but it broke me down.

After finishing the snow removal, I came in for some breakfast. I had my standard (1 egg, 3 egg whites, 1 laughing cow wedge, a whole wheat English Muffin, yogurt and a banana) "I'm trying to eat healthy" day-starting meal. While waiting for my appointment to meet YC, I lost all interest in going outside again. I am sorry - but sometimes the thought of having to brush off my car just seems like too much. I went so far as to type him half of a cancellation text. But that is not going with my new plan to put my boot in SAD's ass, now is it? So I went. Begrudgingly.

I think YC would have preferred I stay home. Have you ever had a day where you just couldn't even smile? Where you are tired, and cranky, and void of all humor? That was me today. I suspect I looked a little something like the pic to the left. And YC wasn't having it. He decided to fight fire with fire. He threw the sass right back at me, and was extremely disinterested in my opinions about the weights he was giving me. He basically told me to shut my mouth and do it - only he wasn't that nice about it. Bonus? We get to meet tomorrow, too. I guess I shouldn't have told him my motivation is in the negatives. Now he is going to make me meet with him daily, and I fear he might make me cry tomorrow.

Wish me luck everyone! And here is to a crank-free day!

Randomness

Tuesday was a day of struggle. Not real, legitimate, struggle. But rather "I'm feeling kind of lazy, and kind of have a stomach ache and my head hurts" struggle. Basically, a self-inflicted struggle - brought on by my own dramatics. 

That being said, I had no idea what to write for this blog update. I usually have a couple of extras written for when I hit the wall like this - but when you're coming off a 2-week motivational drought, your stored up entries are non-existent. So I decided I was going to just have a random post. A post containing some observations and opinions and a couple of confessions - then I will ask for some participation from you at the end. Random may be a bit of an understatement, so please bear with me. I am a bit all over the place on this one.

This is going to be fun...or a colossal failure...so let's see how it turns out!

Let's start with the observation/opinion/confession portion of our post.

• I have discovered, during my stint as house-sitter, that I love having a laundry shoot. This is the first time in my life that I've had one, and it is magnificent. I realize that having laundry in the basement no longer makes sense for new homes, but I love it. I am going to miss it when I go back to MN.
• I have also discovered during this period of house-sititude that I do not like having a window in the shower. Yes, it is frosted, so no one can see me (thank goodness for them), but it is COLD in the winter. Not great.
• At the strong suggestion of a friend, I finally signed up for Twitter. I had been scared of it for years, but in September I finally took the plunge. I absolutely love it. It has provided a whole new level of support (beyond you guys that read this - - thank you to all of you!) during this life overhaul. It also allows me to satisfy my desire for stalking with a minimum of effort on my part. It is truly a win-win in that capacity. If you are on Twitter, my name is @SlimDownToSexy
• There are days where I literally talk to myself...like out loud...while driving down the road. It tends to be when my brain is telling me it would like french fries. Internal dialogue is just not enough to get my point across sometimes- and I have to tell my brain to "fu....I mean...screw off" with volume. 
• I am trying not to spaz out about the book. I sent the rewrite to EB a week ago, and haven't heard back. Does that mean she hates it? I wish I had some idea how this whole system works, so I could stop freaking out about it.
• I slacked on the gym today. I was being a baby because I didn't feel great. Better luck on Wednesday. (this would be one of the confessions)
• Of all of the weight-related shows on TV, I think "Heavy" on A&E may be the best one to illustrate what it is like to be morbidly obese (I really hate that term). I just wish they wouldn't try to jam 6 months for 2 people into 40 minutes. I think they could do an even better job if they spread it out a little bit. 
• No matter how hard I try - there are some days where I just need to have pizza. There is no way around it. The good news is, those days seem to be coming further and further apart.

Now here's where you come in. I have some ideas for future posts, but would like some input from you guys.

• I am going to do an interview with YC. What question(s) would you guys like me to ask? He is a personal trainer, so it doesn't have to be specific to me  - you can ask anything and I will pass it on.
• Would any of you be interested in, or willing to, do a guest blog for me? Kind of just lay out what your relationship is with your weight, food, exercise, etc. You can do it as anonymously as you'd like. I just think we are doing a great job of creating a community here - and I think hearing from more people might help solidify that. 

Please comment to this post, or email me at natalie@slimmingdowntosexy.com


I can't wait to hear from you!!

Goal = Rebel

Before I get started, we have another Mission 101'er that reported in. Here are the results for week 1:

Stephanie

• Gained 1 pound (Goal: 6)
• SHARE: Yikes!!!!!! :)

*****************

I know a lot of people who are completely "goal-based". They need to continually set new goals for themselves. They always need to have that carrot dangling in front of them in order to stay motivated. They set themselves a goal, and they achieve it. It helps give them the focus they need to get to their desired end result. Nothing will get them to their destination quicker than setting goals.

Then there are people like me. I had to confess my condition to YC during our recent conversation about my new goals. Goals make me do the opposite. I think it is a side-effect of my "self-destructive personality disorder" (my made up diagnosis for my tendency to stop doing things that are good for me). I make weight loss goals, and I will gain. There is something within me that finds enjoyment from shooting myself in the foot.

I had a comment on my post yesterday from someone (it was anonymous - so I have no idea who they are. Thank you, for your suggestions!) that asked if there were ways to help me with my seeming addiction to "junk". Food, not clutter. I wish it were that simple. They made some great suggestions - most of which I have attempted to follow at some point in my life.

I have set myself rules and guidelines for eating and exercising for as long as I can remember. Tomorrow I'll get up and go to the gym before I go to work. I'll pack my lunches instead of going out to buy something. I won't stop and go through the drive-thru. I'll make a list each week, and shop for only those items. I'll cook for my week on Sunday, so I have leftovers on hand. And on, and on and on. I am great at setting up rules. I am amazing at making guidelines for myself. Need a plan put together? I'm your gal! Now executing...that's where things fall apart. I am a total cheater cheater pumpkin eater! I am a rebel without a cause. I cannot follow the rules.


So I'll just add this to my ever-growing list of things to work on. To be a rule-follower. To comply with the parameters I've set for myself. I go on stretches where it is no issue what-so-ever to eat well and exercise - as I have laid out in my plans. But then I hit stretches where I just can't. I just need to keep expanding the amount of time where I comply, and minimize the amount of time where I rebel. I can be better, and I will be better.

the vent session

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I was a woman on a mission. I was working out, and eating well. There was no question as to how my days were going to be spent. I got up, had myself a nutritious and delicious breakfast and headed to the gym. I powered myself through a weight workout, and then did 30 minutes of cardio. I'd have a couple of good-for-me meals to round out my day - and that was about it. Predictable. Healthy. Good.

Then on Christmas Eve I took a day off. Then on Christmas Day I took another day off. But those were holidays. No problem, right? I got back home, and wasn't as focused as I was before my holiday break. I had a session with YC, and figured that would get me back on track. It didn't. The following week I had another session, but it still wasn't enough. Here I was, 2 weeks later - and I'd gone to the gym twice. TWICE!!

At that second session with YC I attempted to explain the unexplainable. I tried to explain how/why I had completely lost my motivation. How I had lost my gym mojo. On top of trying to explain something that I myself don't understand - I was trying to explain it to YC. A guy who is constantly working out. A guy who has probably never had two days in a row without working out, much less two weeks. Trying to explain it o him is when I realized just how much I don't understand it myself.

I know I feel better when I go to the gym. I know it is good for me. I know it is necessary to get to the goals I have set for myself. I understand all of these things. But for some reason that still doesn't appear to be enough to motivate me to go. What the hell is that about!?!? What causes this? I swear I have a short in my brain? Is there ever going to come a time where I don't have these lapses? Will there be a day where the switch is turned on, and it isn't a daily struggle/fight to get myself to gym? What is wrong with me? Seriously.

Until I figure out, or am diagnosed by a professional, I will continue to fight. I will continue to argue with myself during these spurts where I completely lack motivation. I will self-talk myself into getting to the gym, I will pray for that glorious day when it all comes together. When I don't have complete collapses in my desire to fight.

Because every day is a fight for me. A fight against laziness. A fight against pizza and burgers and french fries, and all of the other crap I love to eat. A fight to go to the gym. A fight to eat well. A fight against that person who only sat on her couch. A fight for the person I know I can be. A fight against the fear of failure that I have every day. A fight to believe in myself. A fight for the person who can inspire others to fight as well.

What are you fighting for?

Dear 2010...

...I know this letter is a few days overdue, and for that I apologize. You were really great to me, and I should have been more punctual. Unfortunately, I have been in a bit of a funk since the beginning of the year, and had to deal with that before I could tell you just how much I appreciated everything you did for me. I think I am ready now.

Thank you, 2010. I will always look back at you as the year I finally started changing my life for the better. I will remember you fondly as the year I improved my diet, exercise, over-all health...the year I regained hope.

I made a decision in February, right before starting fat camp, to start this blog. OK - maybe I didn't decide to. I was forced to. But I will be eternally grateful to my sister Wendy for pushing me to do it. It has honestly been the most rewarding experience of my life. I made a decision to be honest. Not kind of honest - but honest, honest - about what the experience of trying to get healthy is like for me. It hasn't always been pretty, and I am sure I have many rough days ahead of me - but it has always been worth it. I have been so shocked by and overwhelmed by and grateful for the completely unexpected outpouring of kindness I have received from people. From the very beginning I have received nothing but kind words and encouragement from friends, family and even people I have never met - but I now consider friends. It has truly been an amazing experience so far - and I will always remember you as the year it all started.

You surrounded me with a fantastic support system. Friends who went hiking with me, or to the gym with me, or cook me healthier meals. A family that humors me by eating my "light" meals, when they don't have to - and a supportive grandma (who makes all of us bags of snacks - cookies, snack mix, fudge, etc - for Christmas gifts each year) who gave me less of the sugary snacks, and added in apples and oranges. And YC - who is a young kid who is used to dealing with football players, but who doesn't coddle me or belittle me - but pushes me to do more than I would have ever done on my own.

Oh - 2010...you gave me some challenges. I was canned from my job - but can now honestly look back on that as a positive. It allowed me to do some other things, and afforded me other opportunities, that I never would have had the chance to look at while still at that position. I get to write a book! Who would have thought?!? I was a girl who never did well in English class, and who initially thought of writing a blog as a waste of time. Now look at me. Writing is now something I really enjoy, and would love to do for the rest of my life!

We had our ups, and we had our downs - but I will always look back on you with fondness. You were the year I got my life back. You were the launching pad for this whole new exciting life full of possibilities I never would have thought of for me before. You showed me that people still have an amazing capacity for kindness - you just have to put yourself out there. You showed me that I may have some untapped talents. You gave me back my optimism. You reminded me that I am worth the effort. I will appreciate you forever.

Thank you again for all you've done for me.

Sincerely,
Natalie

P.S. I hope your brother, 2011, is ready for me! I am about to kick his ass!

My Life is Like a Sheetcake Made of Victory

I stole the line I used for the title from Patton Oswalt, and made it my own. =) He's funny.

Before I get started on my post, I have a couple of people who sent in updates for Mission 101 last week - and I want to get them out there.
 

Sarah

• SHARE: I did nothing this week as far as exercise goes....had so much going on at home...didn't make time for it and should have. Fail. On to next week?? 
• note from natalie: Instead of fail, I'd prefer to call it an "opportunity for improvement". =) You have a lot going on. Cut yourself some slack! 

Carrot Top

• SHARE: Super hungry the last few days.  Did start taking vitamins and on day three I woke up 1.5 hours earlier than usual. This could be cool.

  
Now...onto my rambling. =)

Do you guys ever have this? Where every once in a while, you have a day where it feels like the world is smiling at you? I had one on Tuesday. Now...this is not to say that my average day is horrible. I am about 95% responsible for everything I encounter in a day, so if my days are a struggle, I would have no one to blame but myself. Tuesday was an exceptional day. 

I felt all bright and smiley - like this picture

 It didn't really feel any different when I got out of bed. I guess I didn't have the usual dread...it is cold and dreary outside, so I want to stay in bed forever. But as I started working my way through my day, I just felt calm. At ease. The sun was out, and it was clear and crisp. Pretty. I am not usually a fan of cold weather, but without wind it was pretty tolerable. My eggs turned out perfectly for breakfast, and for the first time in a week the roof of my mouth didn't want to make me cry the whole time I ate. (I burned the crap out of it on cauliflower of all things! Veggies shouldn't hurt you.) 

During my session with YC on Monday I asked about my workouts. I have a total of four now, but am still supposed to lift 5 days a week. I asked if I should be doing the leg workout twice a week to break up the other 3 upper body workouts, and was sad that his response was "yes". When I shared with him that the leg workout made me feel like I might die when I did it last week, his overly sympathetic response was "it's good for you". So Tuesday was round one of legs, and because Tuesday was extraordinary - it was almost easy! Well....the exercises may not have been any easier, but I had something nice to look at. "Big Sexy" - the name I have now given to the half of my EC that remains in WI was working out while I was there. It really does help to have something nice to look at. Again - - Tuesday was extraordinary.


I did my cardio, which was much less painful than it usually is after my leg workout, and headed out. I came home and made myself lunch - and even my vegetables tasted good today! Not that they usually taste bad - but I didn't choke them down while dreaming of pizza instead. 


Maybe the universe thought I needed a win? Or maybe the stars aligned to create the perfect day? Or maybe...I had a little bit to do with it? Maybe the fact that I have mustered the strength to eat well, while continuing to exercise, earned me a break? Whatever it was...I am appreciative. It is nice to have a day that is just...easy. And we all deserve them. 


How was your day great?

Do Work

** this was supposed to post at 6am. Not sure what happened. Sorry. =)

This week I started my new workouts from YC. He's trying to kill me. Bless his little heart - I think he may have also been on something when he put the weights in for each of the exercises. I have done most of the exercises before, some of them very recently - and some I even do more than twice a week. I did the final new routine (I have four total) on Thursday, and noticed some peculiar things:

1. On Monday I had to do dumbbell presses up over my head while standing. I used 17.5# weights. Today I had to do the same exercises, using 25# weights. I'd also like to share with you a little helper I found today. When you are having a hard time getting the last couple of reps up, it really helps to stand up on your tiptoes. At least on one foot. Yes. I was the fool doing that.
2. Sometimes, on Tuesday, you have to do one arm press downs. Knowing what that is isn't nearly as important as knowing that he expected me to be able to do them at 40 pounds (I got 7 done with my right arm and gave up. I moved it down to 35). Today I got to do the same exercise with two arms, and he had me set to do that with 30 pounds. Seriously. 
3. There were about 4 other exercises - I won't continue to bore you with the details - where he had me doing way less weight than I had been doing, or he all of the sudden decided I should be so mighty and capable of lifting double of what I could.

So needless to say, I have something entertaining to look forward to tomorrow. I can't wait to ask him what exactly was going on when he put these workouts together. Granted - he was just coming off a weekend of excessive drinking with his college buddies, so maybe he temporarily killed too many brain cells?

 

These workouts are great, though. My body is so tired! The leg workout is absolutely brutal! I suspect it is because I have to haul my above-average sized ass up and down for every rep. Every squat, lunge and step-up. I wonder if the workouts will get easier as I drop some LBs? Who am I kidding? YC will just make me use weights to make up for it. It was nice to get to use normal-sized weights, instead of the tiny washer weights, for my squats.

When I first got to the gym, there was a girl who passed out in the locker room. It was kind of scary! I was walking toward her - she was sitting on the tile with her knees up, which I thought was weird, and then she put her head on her arms that were crossed over her knees. Little did I know, she was out cold. Two ladies that work at the gym helped her. She came to for a couple of seconds, and then was out again. I decided me staring at her wasn't going to help, so I went about my day. I guess they had to call the ambulance, and she had to go with them! Freaky!

Take care of yourselves, everyone!

please don't take my eye candy away....

If you had told me a few months ago that I would miss the gym, I would have asked you what you were smoking. I guess maybe it is what is causing you to miss that gym that makes the difference? If you are unable to miss the gym because....let's say....you're on a tropical vacation, sitting by a pool sipping on yummy drinks with umbrellas - you might not be so sad. But if you are, as I was last Thursday thru Sunday, confined to your home because you have a cold and can't breathe - you'd give just about anything to get back.

Monday, all of my dreams came true! I got to go back to the gym, and as an added bonus I got to meet with YC. It was my first "new" weight workout. I now have a total of 4, instead of 5. There looks to be one that will still make me want to cry a little bit (the leg one always kills me! I think it is because so many of the exercises involve me hauling my own ass up and down - and that is quite a job!), and they all have about 8ish exercises with 4 sets of 10 each. I'm going to be doin' some fairly serious work in that weight room. Not to worry, though. I realized today that I grunt considerably less than most of the men in that area. I was entertained to see a man grunting up a storm, and lifting the same amount of weight as me. I typically try not to judge - I think doing anything is positive, and you deserve respect for that - but when you need to strut around like a peacock, and make so much noise - you are begging to be mocked. (that may have been the longest/worst run-on sentence, ever!)

one example of eye candy

 Monday was not without sad moments. I found out that half of my EC duo has left. He apparently got picked up by the Broncos. When YC told me the news, I am not going to lie - some sadness crept into my heart. Great for him - and hopefully I'll be able to see him in football pants one day soon (they are God's gift to me) - but sad that I will probably  never see  him again. But there was a silver lining. One of them is still left - and it is entirely possible that he may need a shoulder to cry on. I just so happen to have two shoulders! And they are stronger than they used to be! I can be there for him. I can ease his pain. I could be his new lifting partner?!?!!? Just picturing that makes me giggle. I am guessing I lift about 1/10 of the weight he does. And let's be honest - I wouldn't get a damn thing done. I would be too distracted by his candy-ness.

in case you needed another example of eye candy

So now I know I can do it. I can breathe enough to go to the gym, and get my workouts in, which makes me so happy. I also have more incentive to get my rear there. My EC needs me. 

Love The One You're With

Before I get rambling - we had an update from Mission 101 participant "Ann". Here it is:

• It wasn’t a good week at all…didn’t work out once and ate like crap….I was sick, and once I started feeling better, I just couldn’t find motivation for the gym.  BUT, back at it this week…I won’t let this get me down.  Still have 9 pounds to lose.  UGH!  I am going to make this my healthiest holiday season yet…
• note from natalie: LOVE the positive outlook going into what is sure to be a hard week. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Now to the blog....

I realize that this body of mine is not anything people are going to look at and covet. It has all sorts of rolls and dents and dimples (cuter name for cellulite). My stomach has so many rolls it looks like my FUPA has its own FUPA. I am a festival of stretch marks. My boobs are so flat against my upper stomach roll that if I slice them open, I can use them as extra pockets. Instead of knee caps, I have indents where you suspect they might just be. When my arms are straight, you can't tell I actually have elbows - it just looks like I have divots in my flesh. I suspect I have wrist bones, but I can't really tell because it looks like I'm wearing puffy wrist bands - but it is just my fat/flesh. My hands look more like paws, and my ankle bones are buried deep beneath what looks to be a dough-like substance.

But this body of mine - regardless of all of the issues I described above - has been good to me. When I was at my heaviest, it didn't give out on me. When steps made my knees ache...when getting up off of my couch was a full body workout...when standing for more than 2 minutes caused me to sweat...it never shut down. It allowed me to go to fat camp, and work. There were a lot of people there, a lot smaller than I was, that were sidelined by various aches and pains - while I was still able to do everything. It saved me from having to use one of those scooters in the stores, which I thought might be a possibility for a while.

Over the last month I have been reminded of what it is like to feel strong. YC has made it his personal mission to kick my ass, daily. And I appreciate him for that. I like that he doesn't look at me as a weak fat girl. One who has to be coddled and babied. He is pushing me, because he knows I can do it. I have 5 workouts, with 6-8 different exercises each, and I do at least 3 sets of each for every workout. And I can do it. This body, that from the outside doesn't look like it is capable of lifting a weight (much less many weights, that would necessitate an entire rack), can do these workouts. I can way more than even I thought I could. It may not be the body I envision when I think of my ideal - but it is the body I have. I am learning to love it, and appreciate it. Well....love might be a strong word - but I am definitely learning to appreciate all it can do, in spite of my size. And I am really going to appreciate it when it is a little smaller...and a little stronger...and a little unstoppable.

All of this love may not have translated to huge numbers in my weight lost column - but I feel awesome! I have never been too hung up on what the scale says - I just want to be healthy. To me, being healthy means also being strong. I know there are people who are able to lose weight by just cutting back on calories - and that works great for them. For me - I like to workout, too. It is the best way for me to see improvements. It makes me feel mighty. It makes me feel like I can kick ass, and I LOVE it. And even though I may not have lost a lot of weight this week - I feel like things are smaller...or more compact is the better way to word it? I have noticed small areas where I used to have pockets of blubber that are now shrinking. I am sure it is something that most people take for granted - but I can now reach spots on my back that I couldn't before. When your body is really...inflated...it is hard to reach everything! I felt like I had baby T-Rex arms, but it was really just the amount of rotundness that they had to reach around.

So after all of that rambling - here are my results for the last week of Mission 101:

• Lost 2 pounds. 45 Pounds to go to reach 101.
• Exercised 6 days with 5 weight sessions
• Tracked my calories 50% of the time
• Stayed within my calories that 50% of the time listed above =)
• No alcohol
• Limited caffeine to an average of 1 can per day

I am somewhat worried about this holiday weekend I have coming up. Two family holidays on Thursday and then cookie baking with my sisters and nieces on Friday and Saturday. I am trying something new for my return trip to Minnesota this time. I am proactively figuring out how/where I am going to workout while I am there. I have usually just treated my trips back as "time off" - but not this time. Changing behaviors slowly....I'll get this eventually.

What does healthy mean to you?

Bonus Footage: I was eating my dinner Sunday night, and was half way done with my greek chicken pita when I noticed mold on the pita. GAG! For those that are familiar with me, and myriad of food-related neuroses - I am sure you can understand my delight. I was able to finish my chicken, without the pita. I really am growing.

Fatigue: weariness or exhaustion from labor, exertion, or stress

I'm not sure if I have let you guys in on one of my my terrible secrets. When I am feeling under the weather, even if it is just a small amount under the weather, I am a complete and total baby. I want to stay in bed all day, and I would really like it if the world would care for me. There. The secret is out.

This last weekend I had a sore throat. That's it. Just a sore throat - well, and my ears hurt a little bit. It completely took me down. I couldn't really be bothered to do anything other than grocery shopping on Sunday. Maybe that time off, on top of the time off I had in Minnesota last weekend, has caused me to become completely exhausted by my last 2 days. Maybe.....

YC has got me started on a new program. Fewer reps, heavier weights, and what feels like more exercises. He is also giving me 5 different workouts. There are some very pronounced positives. The biggest I can think of now is that I don't get nearly as sore as I did when I started. Those days of not being able to straighten my legs and walk, or not being able to touch my face because my arms are so sore - are a distant memory. Don't get me wrong - I am so tired by the time my workouts are done. But if feels so great to get through them!  

YC has this new plan. He has me doing the same series of workouts that he did when he was training for arena football tryouts. I am certain I am using about a tenth of the weight - but still! Maybe I can try out for the Vikings O-Line when I am done? Kidding...well....kind of.

Monday I did an arm workout, and still did all of the yard work when I got home (and fit in a mini-heart attack from finding random dead things in the leaves). I never would have been able to do that a few months ago! Tuesday I had my leg workout, with some ab/core stuff thrown in for good measure. He did make me do lunges - which he had told me he would only make me do if he didn't like me. Uh oh. He said he must not like himself, either - because he made himself do it. I guess I am in the clear, then? YC even commented on me looking enthused and being quiet on my last couple of exercises - because I was that tired. I am somewhat nervous that I have now shown him how to shut me up - and he will be using it against me! I hope I survive workout number 3 tomorrow.

I got this cartoon from one of the mission 101 participants. I needed the chuckle today, and I was so glad I had it! I hope everyone is having a better week than last week. We all deserve it, and let's face it - we need it a little bit!

What is a calorie?

Calories are the little bastards that 

get into your wardrobe at night 

and sew your clothes tighter. 

MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

Here is what I have planned for YC's lunch tomorrow. I am also very concerned about him. He said he is "eating like a king". Poor guy! If my crap cooking is eating like a king, he must have really been dealing with a sad situation before!

•  2 Chicken/Mozzerella/Sundried Tomato Brats (140 cals each) kind of hard in sodium, but they are yummy!
•  Mac & Cheese (360 Cals) same as from Monday
• Steamed broccoli 

Can a break make you stronger?

After a week off in the beautiful state of Minnesota, I was back at it today. I had a session with YC - my last on my current program. He is going to "change things up" a bit, which may require some different movements (gulp) - and it will shock my body into... umm....I'm basically just hoping it doesn't shock it into death, a wheelchair or other form of immobility.

I have determined that taking a week off, after two weeks of shocking your body with the number of things you think it can do - may actually be good for you! My rested body was able to do my bench pressing with little difficulty. I have, in the past, used horrible facial contortions, rocking my shoulders back and forth, and even a quiet yelp of "help me" - to get the last couple of reps up. None of that was required today. I could lift that bar, and those silly little baby washers us weak people call weights, without incident! Or maybe it was just the fact that I was wearing my outfit like the girl to the left when I did it? How can you not lift a lot of weights when you are wearing such gym-appropriate attire? OK - that was a joke, but I am certain I would have everyone's attention if I walked in wearing that. I am also certain I would have no problem getting a piece of equipment because I would clear the place out. Hey....I might be on to something. This might help my gym snobbery?

YC also had me doing my tricep kickbacks (they sound like more fun than they are) with heavier weights. I had to point out to him that the larger dumbbells caused an unwanted issue - the edge of them kept hitting my fat roll. Not sexy. I am also certain that YC is really happy to be to the point in our relationship where I feel the need to share these types of things with him. From there I went to this seated, push-down thing - where I was able to do the most reps I have ever done, at a slightly higher weight than when I started.

Basically, I have learned this. Sometimes, when you decide it is time to get a move on, and go from zero to hitting the gym a lot of times for 2 weeks in a row - a week off can really do a body good! I'm not saying I will be consistently taking a week off at a time...but I can also recognize that sometimes this big old body is just going to need a break to make me stronger. I was also reminded of the wonder of endorphins! I was so tired before I went to the gym. I didn't want to go. I wanted to lay in bed all day. (this weather is anti-helping!) But after I got done I had a bit of a pep in my step!

Now I will just be looking forward to Monday, and the start of my 3-day event with YC and my new workouts. I can only imagine how much it is going to hurt. Please keep me in your thoughts.

For those of you that strength-train: What silly things do you do to get that last rep? Facial contortions? Wiggling? Grunting? Swearing?

Sometimes III

I always love to do the "Sometimes" posts. I figured it had been a while, so it was OK to do another one. Shout out to Val! Here we go...

Sometimes...  you move your arm quickly when putting on your sweatshirt, and your loose, flabby, granny, sag arm (did you see the pic on the "immediate gratification" entry?!?!) slaps against your body...loudly!

Sometimes...  I wonder if I could talk YC into also acting as my alarm clock. There are people who have trainers who come and actually get them up in the morning...right?

Sometimes...  you go back and read all of the comments people have left on your blog, and have a good laugh/cry.

Sometimes...  I want to dance with Ellen!

Sometimes...  it takes you until you are 35.5 to find something you really love, and are really excited about doing

Sometimes...  you hear the phrase "that makes my vagina boil" and feel you must adopt it as one of your own, immediately. Then you realize a gay guy said it, and you love it even more.

Sometimes...  you're a little nervous about cookie day with your sisters and nieces. You know it will be one of your biggest tests of will, but wouldn't skip that fun for anything in the world!

Sometimes...  you are standing at the cabinet at the gym finishing up your weightlifting paperwork when your iPod gets trapped between your FUPA and the cabinet, and the volume shoots up at such a rate that it almost deafens you.

Sometimes...  you realize you won't (hopefully!!) have to have a "fat intervention" around the holidays this year, and that makes you happy.

Sometimes...  you're a thirty-five year old with a babysitter.

Sometimes...  you wish knitting counted as cardio

Sometimes...  your body is a festival of stretch marks. It kind of looks like you tried to grow a baby in your upper arms and/or pancake boobs. Sexy.

Sometimes...  other people believe in you more than you believe in yourself...and you realize it is about time you catch up.

Sometimes...  you are shocked (and love it so much) when so many people join in on your mission, so you don't have to do it all by yourself!

Is The Honeymoon Phase Over?

I had two sessions with YC last week. When you are beginning a mission, and possibly lack some of the dedication required for success, you have to see your "babysitter" more often.  This was our first week of having two sessions together. I think that must have been too much for YC to take. I guess I must have looked less than enthused (possibly like the pic on the right, perhaps?) when he was telling me to do my tricep kickbacks. Shocking, I know. But it is true. YC told me, and I quote - "don't ever look at me like that again". It surprised me that I (attempting to look especially shy and innocent) would have done anything to deserve that kind of talk! But apparently I did, and I got scolded. I guess when you need a babysitter like a small child, you can also get scolded like a small child. He also informed me that my "nice" voice isn't nice. What!?!?! How odd. I'm not sure what face I gave him, but I'll try to keep this mug neutral going forward!

I did actually do all of the work I set out to do at the gym. I did 5 days of weights, rotating through the 3 workouts from YC. It helped that I had to check in with YC on those days. I also did 40 minutes on the elliptical machine on each of those days. I went in and walked for an hour on the treadmill on Saturday. My body is tired, but I'm so happy I did it! Now if I can figure out how to stop inhaling things I'm not supposed to eat, I will be sittin' pretty!  

One of our common interests is football. YC played, and still coaches. I love boys in tight pants. (shout out to football pants - they are God's gift to me) It works really well for both of us. He is from Wisconsin, and unfortunately favors the Packers. I am a Minnesota girl, and love my Vikings. He felt it would be a good idea for us to make a wager on the game. He promised it would not be something that would be like a punishment for me - so I was on board! I think we came up with a deal that will work well for both of us! If the Vikings win, I get a week of free training! Bonus, right!?!?! And if the Packers win, I have to bring lunch to YC all week. Either way, I have to go every day - so I figure it is somewhat good for me either way. But I REALLY wanted to win!!

Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be. I guess I better get my George Foreman grill fired up. I have a lot of lunches to make. I'll just look forward to getting those free sessions when they play in Minneapolis.

Holla!

I am astonished by the amount of things that I can get done when I get up in the morning, and just get moving. When I don't cave to the stupid alarm clock. When my old friend, the couch, doesn't lure me away from my schedule. When my rider finally gets my elephant to move it's ass!

I had an appointment with YC this morning. There was much talking and catching up to be done. I had to apologize for my laziness...again. I had to confess that I am a 35 year old who for some reason is in constant need of supervision...again. I had to do calf-raises...again. But all was not lost. YC is, as I sure all of you have gathered, pretty much the bomb. We are going to set times, on the days when I don't meet him, when I will need to come work out. He will either be working out himself, or be working with another client - but he will see me. Babysitting accomplished! My goal is to do cardio (at least 40 minutes) and weights (one of his tormenting workouts) Monday-Friday, and then just cardio on Saturday (60 minutes). If I do all of this, I will have earned Sunday as my "free" day to just sit on the couch, knit (I have learned I don't get to count this as cardio) and watch football. I also learned this morning that this very blog, that you are reading, has made its way around the WAC staff. Shout out to Susan for sharing it with everyone, and shout out to YC for being a good sport about it. I also got him to agree to a "YC Profile" on SDtS! Keep your eyes peeled for that! Everyone at the gym knowing I need to be there will just be one more reason why I can't cheat. I can't get away with telling you guys how hard I worked if I didn't really go do it! They'll bust me! I know, I know - I shouldn't need that as an incentive. I should be able to self-motivate, and self-monitor, and self-a lot of other things, but the truth of the matter is: I need babysitters. It is a sad, but true, realization I have finally resigned myself to.

I also realized that I left myself off the introductions for "Slimming Down to Sexy Mission 101"! I was so excited about everyone that is taking part in it, and their fantastic goals, that I forgot about myself! I am super-selfless...like a mission-running, modern-day Mother Teresa. (shout out to hopefully not offending people) Part of my issue is that I don't have a bod that can be weighed by just any scale. Those home scales that go up to like 200 or 250? I would crush those things like a pop can! So basically, I am not entirely sure how many pounds I need to lose, because I don't know what I currently weigh. The only thing I have is the total pounds lost that I want to be at. So here are my goals, in a slightly different format from the rest of the "marvelous Missioners".

GOALS:

• be to a total of 101 pounds lost (from my first day at FC)by 1/1/11
• follow the exercise guidelines as stated above
• track my calories daily, and record them in my body bugg program (p.s. - day one with my body bugg, which I am still thinking of a name for, and I am LOVING it. More on that later)
• I get to eat "freely" on Thanksgiving. That is it. 

 REWARD

• I get to get myself a Blackberry Torch - I LOVE NEW GADGETS!
• oh yeah...and be healthier and blah, blah, blah

This is go time, people. I have been dinking (yes, dinking) around long enough. Let's get that damn scale moving down! Right!?!