Love The One You're With

Before I get rambling - we had an update from Mission 101 participant "Ann". Here it is:

• It wasn’t a good week at all…didn’t work out once and ate like crap….I was sick, and once I started feeling better, I just couldn’t find motivation for the gym.  BUT, back at it this week…I won’t let this get me down.  Still have 9 pounds to lose.  UGH!  I am going to make this my healthiest holiday season yet…
• note from natalie: LOVE the positive outlook going into what is sure to be a hard week. YOU CAN DO IT!!

Now to the blog....

I realize that this body of mine is not anything people are going to look at and covet. It has all sorts of rolls and dents and dimples (cuter name for cellulite). My stomach has so many rolls it looks like my FUPA has its own FUPA. I am a festival of stretch marks. My boobs are so flat against my upper stomach roll that if I slice them open, I can use them as extra pockets. Instead of knee caps, I have indents where you suspect they might just be. When my arms are straight, you can't tell I actually have elbows - it just looks like I have divots in my flesh. I suspect I have wrist bones, but I can't really tell because it looks like I'm wearing puffy wrist bands - but it is just my fat/flesh. My hands look more like paws, and my ankle bones are buried deep beneath what looks to be a dough-like substance.

But this body of mine - regardless of all of the issues I described above - has been good to me. When I was at my heaviest, it didn't give out on me. When steps made my knees ache...when getting up off of my couch was a full body workout...when standing for more than 2 minutes caused me to sweat...it never shut down. It allowed me to go to fat camp, and work. There were a lot of people there, a lot smaller than I was, that were sidelined by various aches and pains - while I was still able to do everything. It saved me from having to use one of those scooters in the stores, which I thought might be a possibility for a while.

Over the last month I have been reminded of what it is like to feel strong. YC has made it his personal mission to kick my ass, daily. And I appreciate him for that. I like that he doesn't look at me as a weak fat girl. One who has to be coddled and babied. He is pushing me, because he knows I can do it. I have 5 workouts, with 6-8 different exercises each, and I do at least 3 sets of each for every workout. And I can do it. This body, that from the outside doesn't look like it is capable of lifting a weight (much less many weights, that would necessitate an entire rack), can do these workouts. I can way more than even I thought I could. It may not be the body I envision when I think of my ideal - but it is the body I have. I am learning to love it, and appreciate it. Well....love might be a strong word - but I am definitely learning to appreciate all it can do, in spite of my size. And I am really going to appreciate it when it is a little smaller...and a little stronger...and a little unstoppable.

All of this love may not have translated to huge numbers in my weight lost column - but I feel awesome! I have never been too hung up on what the scale says - I just want to be healthy. To me, being healthy means also being strong. I know there are people who are able to lose weight by just cutting back on calories - and that works great for them. For me - I like to workout, too. It is the best way for me to see improvements. It makes me feel mighty. It makes me feel like I can kick ass, and I LOVE it. And even though I may not have lost a lot of weight this week - I feel like things are smaller...or more compact is the better way to word it? I have noticed small areas where I used to have pockets of blubber that are now shrinking. I am sure it is something that most people take for granted - but I can now reach spots on my back that I couldn't before. When your body is really...inflated...it is hard to reach everything! I felt like I had baby T-Rex arms, but it was really just the amount of rotundness that they had to reach around.

So after all of that rambling - here are my results for the last week of Mission 101:

• Lost 2 pounds. 45 Pounds to go to reach 101.
• Exercised 6 days with 5 weight sessions
• Tracked my calories 50% of the time
• Stayed within my calories that 50% of the time listed above =)
• No alcohol
• Limited caffeine to an average of 1 can per day

I am somewhat worried about this holiday weekend I have coming up. Two family holidays on Thursday and then cookie baking with my sisters and nieces on Friday and Saturday. I am trying something new for my return trip to Minnesota this time. I am proactively figuring out how/where I am going to workout while I am there. I have usually just treated my trips back as "time off" - but not this time. Changing behaviors slowly....I'll get this eventually.

What does healthy mean to you?

Bonus Footage: I was eating my dinner Sunday night, and was half way done with my greek chicken pita when I noticed mold on the pita. GAG! For those that are familiar with me, and myriad of food-related neuroses - I am sure you can understand my delight. I was able to finish my chicken, without the pita. I really am growing.

Brain Damage

I'm trying to change this brain. My brain. I am trying to get it on board with all of these changes I am trying to make in this life of mine. It has proven to be quite the process! I started FC in February, and I was ready to go.  Body and brain were all on the same page. Enthusiasm filled the air. I was so excited take in all of the information coming at me, share it with my friends and family, and then use it to change my life. Change it for the much-better, I might add. Things were going along swimmingly. I got back from FC, and stayed on task. I got canned, and continued to exercise and eat well. I got cockily optimistic - which is to say: I felt unstoppable. Stand back world! I got this!

Then - some time in May - my brain gave me the finger, and basically told me to F-off. My brain had different plans. My brain wanted to exercise occasionally, but didn't want to put in the time necessary, or effort required, to make a big difference. At least not the differences I had thought were going to be so easy and attainable just a couple of months before. My brain wanted to eat pizza - and it wanted a lot of it. My brain loves pizza. Stupid brain. It isn't that I was eating a lot. I was just eating crap. Before FC I would eat a lot of crap - so it wasn't as bad as that. When you combine a semi-lazy ass with an overactive mouth, it is not going to equate to weight-loss success.

I thought I was fine. My jeans still fit when I put them on. I may have ignored the fact that they were a smidge tighter - but they still fit - so I was good, right? Wrong. I had packed back on almost 20 pounds. A lot of you are probably thinking - how do you gain 20 pounds, and it isn't abundantly clear? Here is how: 

1. Your brain tricks you into thinking you don't feel any different. It isn't harder to get off the couch. Your body doesn't hurt a little more than it did a month ago. The tightness of your jeans when you put them on is because you just washed them, not because you are bigger. Your FUPA isn't any bigger than it was a couple of months ago. 
2. When your body is the size of Smart Car - it is harder to notice 20 pounds. Not really more to say on this topic.

Out of sheer necessity, Mission 101 was born. I told YC I was re-dedicating myself to the gym. We were going to meet a couple of times a week, so he could whip me into shape. And I was good about the gym from that day. I would go lift weights 5 times a week, with one extra cardio session. I had a week back in MN that was completely off the program, but got back on track when I returned. 

The issue those first couple of weeks was that my brain had the thought process of "I went to the gym, so I can eat what I want". That's super-good rationale. Go bust your ass for over an hour at the gym, and then get a burger and fries. It is flawless thinking. Wait. Working out and then hoovering junk food might not make as big of a difference as I had hoped. It isn't like I show McDonald's my gym card, and everything is magically calorie/fat/sodium-free. Honestly. What is wrong with my brain. I never thought of myself as an idiot, but my brain was working overtime to prove me wrong.

Then something clicked. It clicked about the same time my weight popped up on the scale I finally broke down and bought. Why would I go workout every day to completely undo that with a pizza? For two weeks now, I have been eating much better and still putting in my time at the gym. My body is telling my brain what's what. I just hope my brain gets on board soon. I am getting stronger by the day, and I'd hate for my body to have to kick my brain's ass.