Wednesday, September 19, 2012


Do you ever go through spurts in your life where you feel like someone got behind the wheel of your life, turned on the nitrous, and floored it? To the point where you cannot believe how fast time is flying by, and you have no idea what you've been doing? That is me these days. I hopped on here to write a long-overdue post, and realized I haven't posted anything since July. Then I realized it is almost the end of September already!! What the hell!??!! Where does my life go?? So I'll try to catch you up on the last couple of months...

Back in August I finally broke down and went to the doctor for my annual physical. 1 year, 8 month physical. I was supposed to go in December, but couldn't quite get myself there until August. I'm SOOOOO busy. Or at least that's what I told myself. I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I don't need to go waste an hour+ at the doctor's office for them to tell me what I already know. But that delusional thought process was cut short the second my doc walked in. First words out of her mouth: "it's good to finally see you...some people do try to avoid coming in to see us when they've gained some weight". BUSTED. Like, seriously busted. She wasn't a bitch about it at all - just very matter of fact. And she was right. That is exactly why I hadn't gone in to see her. I was always going to go see her when I'd lost the weight I'd gained since I went in for my visit in December 2010. But that day wasn't coming, and wasn't coming, and wasn't coming - so I finally broke down and made the appointment. And it was good that I finally did go. She's like the only neutral 3rd party I ever talk to. She doesn't pull any punches. We talked about why (busy, lazy, stressed, lazy, unhappy, lazy). She asked if I'd been blogging, and I told her I hadn't - because if I'm not doing anything I perceive to be positive, I don't have anything positive to share.

That's when she hit me with it - - she asked why wouldn't I share the truth. The whole truth. The good and the bad. Because people that are going through what I am - trying to go from wildly obese (I prefer wildly to morbidly - - it makes me want to puke less) to fit, active and healthy - typically function like I am right now. They have positive times where everything is fantastic, and they have bad times where nothing seems to be going right. They struggle. They battle. They succeed. They lose. They feel like they're getting the shit beat out of them daily. They feel like they're on top of the world. They experience it all - so why wouldn't I share that?

So here's the truth: I've gained back most of what I lost. Not all, but most. About 40 of the 60 pounds, over the last 1 year and 9 months. I have all bust stopped working out, and even more damaging - I resorting to many of my old eating habits (fast food....crap, basically). I tell myself I'm going to get back on track, but haven't. I've had moments, but they've been few and far between. I've set up plans, and not followed through on a damn one of them. I've planned to weigh myself, and haven't - and I need that accountability. It's like avoiding the doctor - just because I don't see the number, or hear the doc's voice - doesn't mean it isn't happening. Basically - I've resorted to Natalie 2009, and it isn't really working for me. It's not working at all, actually. I have still been holding on to this "all-or-nothing" philosophy that I have proven time and again doesn't do me a damn bit of good. So that's what I'm going to try and break. I will try every day to remind myself that no one is perfect - and I should definitely allow myself the room to not be. I will keep my home a place stocked with things that are good for me, but will cut myself some slack when I do eat something that isn't necessarily great for me. One bad decision doesn't mean I failed - it means I'm human. I'm going to remind myself that although I feel better when I'm active - there are days where I'm just not feeling it, and that's OK. I'm going to try and be as supportive of myself as I would someone else who came to me with similar issues. I'm going to try for the best I can do vs. all-or-nothing. I'm going to be kinder to myself - not delusional about what I'm doing or accomplishing - but kind. Not beat myself up about every decision that isn't 100% in the direction of my overall goal. I'm going to embrace the fact that I'm not perfect. I'm an original, and I'm going to allow me to be who I am - a smart, witty, talented, cute woman who happens to have a weight issue

I'm Natalie. I'm smart, and witty, and talented, and pretty, and occasionally kind. I also happen to be wildly overweight. So I'm going to work to move in a positive direction on all of those things. I'm going to strive to learn new things. I'm going to try my hand at writing. I'm going to take care of myself - my skin, my teeth, my hair, my body. I'm going to work on being kinder - to others and myself. I'm going to work on being better.