The Cost of Being Cocky

Remember when I started all this crap?? And by "all this crap", I mean - trying to get my life switched around so I could be the poster child for healthy living. I was so full of hope and optimism and positivity. Like I had the world by the balls. Like this time it was going to be a piece of cake, and not a daily, mind-numbing battle. I felt like I was riding a unicorn while safely ensconced in a shawl made of hearts and butterflies and puppies and bunnies. Basically - living in la la land, thinking I had it all figured out. I got cocky.

Well....somewhere along the line I lost it. I got bucked off the damn unicorn, and lost my frickin' shawl! I found myself, by myself, wondering how the hell everything got so hard all of the sudden. I left the protective bubble of FC, and found myself alone in the tundra surrounded by temptation. The cocktails started to call to me. Soda - granted I drink diet, but apparently that's almost worse - totally had my number and wouldn't leave me alone! And then out of nowhere, my taste buds turned back on. They could no longer be kept content with veggies and low-sodium healthy crap...I mean stuff. They wanted - nay! they demanded flavor in form of fat and salt. They could not be silenced.

I've half-assedly tried to re-create the bubble. I've tried to keep only good things in my house. I've left my wallet at home so I can't stop and pick up bad things. I've set my alarm to get up and work-out in the morning. (do you guys even realize how easy it is to reset it for an hourish later, and just go back to sleep?) But there's this thing that keeps getting in my damn way! Life. Made up of work, money and bills - Life is working against me. In this trying economy, and me with my non-degree'd-self, I'm working for far less than I believe my abilities merit.  Can't the world see that my intangible list of skills warrants a large salary, and an amazing benefits package?? Geesh! So I better just learn how to work with it.

Since going back to work, I've made some questionable decisions - like quitting my gym. How are you going to try and be a person who is getting healthy, and quit your gym? Seriously. Hey - I'm working on getting in shape, and losing weight - - I don't need that stupid gym membership! Idiotic. So I have finally realized the errors of my ways, and have determined that it is essential that I have a gym membership. Some people work out in their homes, and it works great for them. If I had an elliptical in my living room, I'm sure I'd spend time on it - but I can't currently afford a decent one, so that's out. The baby-gym (and I use the term gym loosely here) at my apartment complex is just too depressing to use. And yes - I can go walk outside, and have - but it seems to be 90+ and humid more days than not lately, and I don't care for that. So I'm on the hunt for something reasonably priced, that isn't a crackerjack box. On a related note - If anyone knows of a person in the Twin Cities who'd like to donate personal training sessions, I'd be all for it. I could pay them in high fives...or hugs...scratch that - I'm not much of a hugger...or dirty looks while they train me. Who could turn down that deal? Please pass along their information. =)

So I've learned some things. When things are super-easy, DON'T TRUST IT! Especially considered I'd given it the old college try about 34235 times - did I really think I was just going to breeze my way to fitness and smallness? Apparently, I did. But I've now come to the point where I can admit it's going to be just as much work as I'd hoped it wouldn't be. Every day. What to eat? How to fit in the workout. Every. Day. So here I go....a little less sunshiny....but going none-the-less. I will lose weight. I will get healthy. I will.....it just isn't going to be easy.

I get so emotional baby.... - Whitney Houston

It is a definite sign that you've been gone too long when you log in to update you blog, and the WHOLE program has changed. Like I don't even know how to run this thing anymore. I'm really hoping I don't hit the publish button at the end of this thing, and my computer blows up, because that will really bum me out. Another indication that I've been slacking a bit too much may be seen in the inch of dust on my keyboard. But oh well! I put on my dust mask, and here I am - hoping I'll figure out this new blogspot system by the time I'm done rambling.

The reason for my absence has been...well, there is more than one reason...but one of the biggest is: for the last few months I've been severely off my game - like dealing with some pretty insane emotional crap that I didn't even know was an issue for me until all of the sudden BAM! it hit me in the face. It then proceeded to kick me in the crotch, and then sit on me and hold me down. I'm not the hugest fan of emotions, anyway. I feel like the wrong ones always surface at the most inopportune times - - or maybe that's just me? Anyway, I know this is vague - but trust me - I've been a damn mess. I didn't just fall off the wagon. I was shoved off the wagon, breaking both hands and a leg on the way down. So although I've thought about sitting down and clacking (my term for typing) out some cleansing shit was tempting, I was more than slightly concerned it would basically read as a fairly detailed list of how everyone could go F themselves. Super-positive, right. Well - that's the head-space I've been in. While fully taking responsibility for the majority of my shortcomings, I'm also dealing with a fair amount of the blame game - like it's the responsibility of anyone else that life is repeatedly kicking me in the metaphorical balls.

So, anywho - I've been trying to work through that. And sometimes when you're on the mad/sad teeter-totter you are willing to try anything. Along the way I tried a series of bordering on the insane things to rid myself of my funk. The list below should help you get a small glimpse into the abyss that was my emotional state.

• Chopping all your hair off. I thought I remembered something about Lenny Kravitz cutting off his dreads because they were the place where all of his past negativity was stored. Now - I may have just made that up, or may have been trying to channel my inner-sexy/odd man - but whatever prompted it, it didn't work. I don't regret it. It's hair, it will grow back. But it change a damn thing, other than making my head feel marginally lighter.
• Pizza. As much as you want to believe the most delicious all around thing on the planet will somehow make your soul not hurt, it doesn't help. What it does do is make Remus gloat like the self-serving jackwad that he is. So do yourself a favor, put down the pizza and walk away...and then keep walking. It's good for you.
• Avoiding everyone. Actually - this one might not have been so bad. When you're in the midst of your MamaNat and Funky Bunch episode, one shouldn't force themself onto others.  When negative is an understatement, no one needs to deal with that crap. Don't harsh everyone else's mellow - just leave them be. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. If you can't be fun to be around, keep your ass to home. One in the same.
• Cheetos, French Fries, Beer, Milli Vanilli's, wine, destructive food, destructive drink, you get the point, etc. See Pizza above. And seriously - how many times do you need to hear about not stuffing down your emotions with food before you get it?!?! For me - apparently infinity. The only thing you'll feel is worse. It might not be until you swallow the last bite, but you will.

This is just a few. Around the beginning of July I recalled that there was thing....it's called exercise...and it's supposed to make you feel better. It produces these things called endorphins, and they are natural joy-providers. I know it has worked for me in the past, but how easily I forget. So I made it a goal to walk at least a mile every day. I may be doing it alone, or there may be some silently following along. I've missed a couple of days, but for the most part have gotten it in. And I am starting to feel sort of human again.

I'm glad summer is here. It's providing me with a lot of vitamin D, and helps fruits and veggies taste better. I'm working on getting back on the wagon.

Maybe I'll have my crap back together by the time my hair grows out? Maybe.....