Sitting at work, waiting for 2015 to close itself out, I did some thinking. I don't recall the last time I went into a new year feeling as positive, and excited, as I am about 2016.
Sure - I've gone into years with my list of resolutions...losing weight always at the top of the list...but somehow knowing in the back of my mind that my resolve would flame out like so many others' - but fiercely hoping that it wouldn't. I'd have many self-talks about all of the things I would do - the gym visits I would make, the clean eating I would do, the health I would attain. But inevitably it would all just fall apart after a few short months. I'd stick to my diet. I'd work out. Occasionally I'd really feel like I was getting somewhere - but then I'd get discouraged. Whether that was from limitations I'd still experience due to my size, or seeing myself in a photograph and realizing I didn't look any different in spite of working my ass off. There have been all sorts of tiny things I can point to that discouraged me - but the reality is the task of losing all of the weight I needed to lose would just get too damn daunting. I'd dug myself into too much of a hole, and the benefits weren't appearing quickly enough to keep me motivated to stick with it. As my sister would say: I had a lot of quit in me.
I will forever look back on 2015 as the year I finally allowed myself to be honest. To admit that my weight is something I needed very serious help with. To admit how strict my limitations were becoming because of my size. To admit that it was very unlikely that I could do it on my own without some major help. To admit that surgery was likely my best, if not only, real option of reclaiming my life. And while that was scary, and honestly a little embarrassing, it was also extremely liberating. To finally be honest with my family and friends about what I was able to do, and not able to do. Finally sharing there were situations I just wasn't comfortable forcing myself into. I will look at 2015 as the year of honesty. And that has allowed me to look at 2016 with a whole lot of something new: Hope.
Today marks 5 weeks of working with Scott. Although I'm still very limited based on what the average person can do, I'm improving. Today I walked 2000 steps (my most to date) and pushed the damn metal sled back and forth across the floor a few times. I could not have come close to doing that just a month ago. My knees no longer swear at me with every step I take. I am actually able to think about something other than my misery while I do my walk. It's getting better every day. And that's just the beginning.
I'm hopeful by the end of January I'll have lost my 50 pounds, or at least be close to it, so I can get my meeting with the surgeon. I'm very much looking forward to being able to get some of this weight off quickly, and start kicking ass from there. I'm proving to myself that I'm willing to do the work to get myself healthy, and I'm just so damn excited about all of the things I'm going to be able to do!!! By the time it's warm out again I'll hopefully be able to go walk without limitations - - just get out and enjoy being outside! Scott has already said we'll be going for hikes and longer walks - which makes me a little nervous because he grins when he says it - but I LOVE hiking!! I'm seriously like a kid on Christmas morning when I think about all of the things I should be able to do this summer! Don't get me wrong - I'm a little nervous as well - but the excitement far outweighs any apprehension.
I wish you all the very best in 2016. Thank you so much for joining me on this rollercoaster. Your support means the world to me. I want nothing but the best for all of us. Bless you all.
Let's make 2016 ridiculously amazing.