Sunday, September 18, 2016

5-month Surgiversary

I swear I just wrote my 4 month update - but according to the calendar today is, in fact, the 5 month anniversary of my surgiversary if you will.

Thing are still going surprisingly well. Shockingly well most of the time. I am pretty much able to eat anything at this point - just much smaller quantities, which is to be expected. I haven't really had anything on bread or a bun yet - just because I only have so much space in my hammock. Yesterday I was drooling looking at people eating a sandwich. Nothing fancy - just a regular sandwich....I think it looked so good just because that isn't something realistic for me to have right now. I'd get 3 bites in and be stuffed! Maybe one day I'll make myself one...or the desire will pass as most of my cravings do these days.

I feel like I've finally gotten some energy back, which is awesome. For a while there I felt like I couldn't really do much in the gym. I'd be pooped after 2 short sets of exercises. While I still get a little woozy now and then - I do typically feel like I have more energy. I still hit days here and there where I don't - like when I don't get enough to eat for a day or 2 beforehand. Those are rough to recover from. But I'm trying to live and learn, and do better the next time. Skipping a meal isn't really an option when you're already taking in so little.

My only real problem at this point continues to be my brain. It is amazing to me how frequently I have to have internal battles with myself. And most of the time, they aren't even food-related, which has been a shocker to me. It's about physical things.

Every day before I meet with Scott I have to gear myself up. I have my brain wanting to make up excuses not to go. I have my brain telling me how hard it's going to be, and that I can't do it. My usual internal argument to this is: it's only an will be over in an hour.... When I get there, and he tells me the things I'll be doing that day I have to literally tell myself to "Shut the fuck up and try it" rather than immediately bitching about it/telling him I can't do it. (there are tshirts in the works for this) It really becomes exhausting at times! Because the truth is - I can do it. Maybe not well. It certainly isn't perfect. But I can do it. The last couple of weeks I've really focused on just showing up - shutting the fuck up and trying it - and I'm not going to lie to you....this now 335 pound body can do way more shit than I thought it could! Seriously. It amazes me every day. I'm still horribly out of shape. I get winded, and so sweaty, and sometimes woozy....but I'm doing it! I'm doing all of these things I couldn't have even considered doing 5 months ago. And even though I am proud of myself when it's over, and amazed by what this still really overweight body can do, I can't get my damn brain to shut up!!!!

So I deal with this negative Natalie brain, which is understandable to a point - - I mean, I put my emotional/mental well-being through he ringer as well being as heavy as I was. And was so heavy, and damn near immobile, for so long that my brain is having a hard time adjusting. Just now I had to correct my last sentence - it said I "have been so heavy"...I switched it up to "was so heavy". Baby steps. So I'll continue to tell it to shut the fuck up when needed, and I'll just keep trying to show it that we can do a lot more things now than we used to. It no longer has to live in fear...or at least not nearly as much fear...because we're kicking more ass every day.

I thought back to my liquid diet I was on pre-op vs. now. I was sooooo miserable during those 3 weeks of liquids. I was scared and hungry and questioning if this was going to be a complete disaster...and even with the stuff I mentioned about I can say without fail this is the best decision I have ever made. I'm getting my life back, and this life is pretty damn good. 

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