It was a little over three years ago that I was the super content to sit on my ass, not doing a thing. Dormancy was my norm. Stillness my comfort. A trip to my kitchen was about the furthest I would walk with any frequency - and that was about 30 feet. Sitting and I were def BFFs.
Then Scott came on the scene...and with that came increased movement. Slow movement. Huffing & puffing movement. Whine-saturated movement. But still...movement. Over the last 3ish years - that had become my norm. I took a 4 week break at the time of my gastric bypass surgery - but still had frequent, short walks incorporated in that recovery.
Going into my first plastics surgery - I tried to get as much movement in as possible. I kept up with my workouts. Incorporated some additional yoga stuff, just to enjoy being able to move pain-free. Stayed on the elliptical. Remained the brightest spot in Scott's Monday & Wednesday afternoons with our sessions. I wanted to go into my surgery strong - knowing I did everything I could to get myself prepared for the best recovery....
I read, and reread, my post-care directives from my surgeon. Memorizing them, so I made sure I didn't cause any additional issues or delays in getting back to my now normal/active life. Little did I know that my surgeon and his team had failed to proofread these instructions - and I was told to walk 20 minutes, 6 times a day. This should have been 6-20 minute walks a WEEK. So the day after they cut around my entire body, and pieced me back together, they had me walking for 2 hours. I was putting on 4-6 miles a day for the first 3 weeks after my surgery. When I should have been enjoying my drug-haze downtime, I was out hoofing it around the hallways of my building.
So needless to say - I was less than jazzed at my 3 week follow-up appointment when they realized their error - and bumped me back down to 1-20 minute walk a day. I'd been walking around repeatedly when I really wanted to sit in my chair and enjoy a relaxing recovery - - but at 3 weeks out, I was feeling pretty good. I was ready to up my activity, and had it knocked back down to basically non-movement.
One of the pamphlets I was given about the circumfrential body lift (aka: FUPA removal) procedure said that people would likely be able to return to activities such as tennis, golf, swimming & sex after 4 weeks. I don't know who the hell would have thought sex sounded fun at 4 weeks - - but bless whoever they are. I can assure you, I still have no interest (not that I have a ton of options thrown my way) at 6.5 weeks out. But if people are able to play tennis at 4 weeks - why I am I still being held to one 20 minute walk a day? Trying to turn back the hands of time/potential damage caused by having me walking 2 hours a day when that is absolutely NOT what I should have been doing? I can't help but wonder...
Now I have realized the exhaustion that is caused by inactivity. I feel like I don't sleep as well as when I'm active. My body is...bored. I swear my brain is not firing on all cylinders! There are likely more side effects to share, but my brain isn't capable of remembering them.... =)
I knew recovery was going to be a change of pace. I just didn't fully realize how dependent I am on movement to keep me content and comfortable. Who would have thought movement could replace pizza?
healthy is sexy....I'm getting there....
Showing posts with label Movement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movement. Show all posts
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Any Movement Is Still Movement
One of the biggest reasons, other than just overall health and well-being, that I've decided to finally have surgery is that I really want to be active. I no longer want to live in fear of movement, I want to embrace it. I want to wander and explore and try new things. I don't want to be stifled by my crippling size-related fears. I am sick of skipping things because I may not have the cardiovascular capacity to do them. I want to experience all of the things that interest me without fear!
With this goal in mind, I knew I'd need to start moving much more than I currently was. Granted - this wouldn't be a tough thing to do - I've basically been sitting for the last 4 years. Seriously. It's somewhat shocking and admittedly pathetic how much time I spent being absolutely still. I was caught in a motionless cycle. I weighed so much that movement hurt, or at a minimum was uncomfortable. Not moving just made my weight grow. As my weight grew, so did the hurt and level of discomfort...and so on...and so on. So years later, I was damn near immobile - not to mention I'd get winded from walking 6 steps. Surgery is hopefully going to remove one of those obstacles - - the excessive amount of extra weight I'm carrying around - - which should, in theory make it easier to move my ass around.
In a very un-Natalie-like move, I decided I didn't want to wait until I'd gotten the bulk of the weight off to get started. I wanted to start now. I've worked with personal trainers in the past, and have had great success while I've worked with them. The truth of the matter is - I require accountability. Left to my own devices, I'm not going to push myself. I'm not going to make myself do things that are uncomfortable, and I'm certainly not going to do things that hurt. I need someone to help motivate me to do such things. I don't need someone screaming in my face (the Biggest Loser trainers give me a headache). I simply need someone to tell me what to do, and make sure I do it. So the search for a personal trainer began. I have belonged to one of the larger gym chains here in the twin cities - but knew I could never afford the membership fee + personal training sessions. (seriously - their fees are outrageous) And since YC has refused to move to MN to train me, I had to find another option. Enter Scott Sutherlin and Scott Sutherlin Fitness.
My sister's sister-in-law has attended his boot camps for quite some time now - so I asked her is she liked him. She's a bit of a no nonsense type of gal, like myself - so I figured if she liked him, there was a very good chance I would as well. She had really great things to say about him, and even brokered an introduction for me. Scott and I communicated a bit over text message - I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into (morbidly obese, morbidly sedentary - my new term, at a negative cardiovascular level). He had dealt with people who weren't as overweight as I am, but had helped many people lose large amounts of weight - even dealt with post-surgery folks. It seemed like a fit on paper - so we met.
At our initial meeting he made me stand the entire time. I stood for 45 minutes just chatting. I was miserable. He admitted he was doing it on purpose. I started to sweat. My knees were killing me. My hips hurt. But I did it. I don't remember the last time I stood for that long. And we seemed to have compatible personalities. I liked him immediately. So we set another meeting - this one he allowed me to sit - and we went over my short-term goals. I told him I needed to lose weight pre-surgery in order to get my appointment with the surgeon. Told him about the liquid diet, etc. We decided to contact the doc and see how much I need to lose in order to do the minimum amount of days of a liquid diet. I spoke to the nurse and they seemed very on board with me losing 50 pounds and then I only have to do 10 days of liquid before the big day.
It was the week of Thanksgiving - so Scott requested I meet at 5am on Friday morning after the holiday. I work an odd schedule - I'm a bit of a night owl - so I don't remember the last time I saw 5am, but I agreed. If you're going to do something life-changing, you might as well go all the way, right? So I arrived in what felt like the middle of the night for my first session. Excited to get moving in the right direction, but also completely panic-stricken. He simply told me to start walking. His gym is not a room filled with treadmills and elliptical machines. His gym is a room filled with free weights and squat racks and weighted bags and tires and ropes. So I started walking around the room. There were a couple of other people there - but they just went about their business. Everyone visiting while working out. A very cool vibe. I walked...slowly.... He had me change directions a couple of times. I felt like my heart was going to explode, and my knees were screaming - - but I kept moving. I walked for 15 minutes. Consecutively. This is not anything the average person would even remotely call a victory, but for me it was a total win. I hadn't walked for 15 minutes in....I couldn't even tell you the last time I did. And that was it. He is easing me into activity. He's not going to try and throw a ton of crap at me to make me miserable - he's going to work with me, and my limitations. He's got a plan to push me out of my discomfort zone, and become a mobile person.
I'm a week and a half in at this point. I've walked all but one "free" day I was granted by Scott. I've done the ropes (which I lovingly refer to as the ropes of death) a couple of times. I've carried 3 pound weights around with me a couple of times. I've started increasing my walks from a flat time to a "step count" on my FitBit. Gradually increasing so it doesn't make me panic and run. And I'm doing it. I've had a couple of days - one in particular - where I seriously contemplated skipping, but I haven't. I'm held accountable now. And I think Scott and I are just getting started on what will be a long, sometimes love-hate, relationship.
I'm hopeful that by starting to move now, it will make recovery better/faster/easier. I'm hopeful that by proving to myself that I can still do things when I'm at my worst, it will instill in me the belief that I can certainly do anything I put my mind to when I get some of these lbs. off. As much as my internal dialogue during most of walks started out being me chastising myself for allowing my bod to get to this ridiculous state, it is gradually changing. Rather than dwelling on what I did (or didn't do) to get myself to the immobile mass that I was, I'm focusing on what I'm going to be able to do. And I'm starting to suspect I might be kicking ass before we know it.
With this goal in mind, I knew I'd need to start moving much more than I currently was. Granted - this wouldn't be a tough thing to do - I've basically been sitting for the last 4 years. Seriously. It's somewhat shocking and admittedly pathetic how much time I spent being absolutely still. I was caught in a motionless cycle. I weighed so much that movement hurt, or at a minimum was uncomfortable. Not moving just made my weight grow. As my weight grew, so did the hurt and level of discomfort...and so on...and so on. So years later, I was damn near immobile - not to mention I'd get winded from walking 6 steps. Surgery is hopefully going to remove one of those obstacles - - the excessive amount of extra weight I'm carrying around - - which should, in theory make it easier to move my ass around.
In a very un-Natalie-like move, I decided I didn't want to wait until I'd gotten the bulk of the weight off to get started. I wanted to start now. I've worked with personal trainers in the past, and have had great success while I've worked with them. The truth of the matter is - I require accountability. Left to my own devices, I'm not going to push myself. I'm not going to make myself do things that are uncomfortable, and I'm certainly not going to do things that hurt. I need someone to help motivate me to do such things. I don't need someone screaming in my face (the Biggest Loser trainers give me a headache). I simply need someone to tell me what to do, and make sure I do it. So the search for a personal trainer began. I have belonged to one of the larger gym chains here in the twin cities - but knew I could never afford the membership fee + personal training sessions. (seriously - their fees are outrageous) And since YC has refused to move to MN to train me, I had to find another option. Enter Scott Sutherlin and Scott Sutherlin Fitness.
My sister's sister-in-law has attended his boot camps for quite some time now - so I asked her is she liked him. She's a bit of a no nonsense type of gal, like myself - so I figured if she liked him, there was a very good chance I would as well. She had really great things to say about him, and even brokered an introduction for me. Scott and I communicated a bit over text message - I wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into (morbidly obese, morbidly sedentary - my new term, at a negative cardiovascular level). He had dealt with people who weren't as overweight as I am, but had helped many people lose large amounts of weight - even dealt with post-surgery folks. It seemed like a fit on paper - so we met.
At our initial meeting he made me stand the entire time. I stood for 45 minutes just chatting. I was miserable. He admitted he was doing it on purpose. I started to sweat. My knees were killing me. My hips hurt. But I did it. I don't remember the last time I stood for that long. And we seemed to have compatible personalities. I liked him immediately. So we set another meeting - this one he allowed me to sit - and we went over my short-term goals. I told him I needed to lose weight pre-surgery in order to get my appointment with the surgeon. Told him about the liquid diet, etc. We decided to contact the doc and see how much I need to lose in order to do the minimum amount of days of a liquid diet. I spoke to the nurse and they seemed very on board with me losing 50 pounds and then I only have to do 10 days of liquid before the big day.
It was the week of Thanksgiving - so Scott requested I meet at 5am on Friday morning after the holiday. I work an odd schedule - I'm a bit of a night owl - so I don't remember the last time I saw 5am, but I agreed. If you're going to do something life-changing, you might as well go all the way, right? So I arrived in what felt like the middle of the night for my first session. Excited to get moving in the right direction, but also completely panic-stricken. He simply told me to start walking. His gym is not a room filled with treadmills and elliptical machines. His gym is a room filled with free weights and squat racks and weighted bags and tires and ropes. So I started walking around the room. There were a couple of other people there - but they just went about their business. Everyone visiting while working out. A very cool vibe. I walked...slowly.... He had me change directions a couple of times. I felt like my heart was going to explode, and my knees were screaming - - but I kept moving. I walked for 15 minutes. Consecutively. This is not anything the average person would even remotely call a victory, but for me it was a total win. I hadn't walked for 15 minutes in....I couldn't even tell you the last time I did. And that was it. He is easing me into activity. He's not going to try and throw a ton of crap at me to make me miserable - he's going to work with me, and my limitations. He's got a plan to push me out of my discomfort zone, and become a mobile person.
I'm a week and a half in at this point. I've walked all but one "free" day I was granted by Scott. I've done the ropes (which I lovingly refer to as the ropes of death) a couple of times. I've carried 3 pound weights around with me a couple of times. I've started increasing my walks from a flat time to a "step count" on my FitBit. Gradually increasing so it doesn't make me panic and run. And I'm doing it. I've had a couple of days - one in particular - where I seriously contemplated skipping, but I haven't. I'm held accountable now. And I think Scott and I are just getting started on what will be a long, sometimes love-hate, relationship.
I'm hopeful that by starting to move now, it will make recovery better/faster/easier. I'm hopeful that by proving to myself that I can still do things when I'm at my worst, it will instill in me the belief that I can certainly do anything I put my mind to when I get some of these lbs. off. As much as my internal dialogue during most of walks started out being me chastising myself for allowing my bod to get to this ridiculous state, it is gradually changing. Rather than dwelling on what I did (or didn't do) to get myself to the immobile mass that I was, I'm focusing on what I'm going to be able to do. And I'm starting to suspect I might be kicking ass before we know it.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
The Edited Life
One of the most liberating things about finally making the admission that I need permanent, medical help is that I can finally be honest. I can stop trying to come up with excuses that don't sound like excuses for all of the things I can't do, or am afraid to try and do, because of my size. Don't get me wrong - it is still completely embarrassing to admit these things - but at least there is an end in sight. It's finally given me the freedom to get real about the things I want to do, but haven't been able to do - - and the truth is very different.
This edited life I've been leading has left me completely....demoralized. Sad. Embarrassed. Immobile. Left-out. Lonely. Just this summer I have skipped 2 family concert outings because of the limitations I have created by allowing my body to become as large as it is. While it was somewhat liberating to admit freely that I just couldn't join (walking even short distances is a challenge - and standing is just not an option) instead of creating some elaborate story about why I wouldn't be able to attend, it didn't make me any less disappointing to not be a part of them. Watching Facebook for pictures, or checking my texts to follow along on their adventures is not even remotely the same as being able to partake in these events myself.
And that is just the last couple of months. The events/outings I haven't participated in over the last 20 years of my life due to my size are staggering. There are times that I'm sure my cover stories have been better than others. I've skipped outings with friends. Trips. Happy hours. Dinners. Concerts. Sporting Events. All because I was scared it would be too much of an inconvenience to get there, or I was afraid of the seating once I did. There are so many things I haven't done in this life because they might have been uncomfortable for me. So many things I've wanted to do, but wouldn't allow myself to admit to, because I wanted to put on a brave face. Don't worry about me everyone - I'm happy. And for the most part - - I'm lucky. I'm not a miserable person...most of the time, anyway. Most of the time I'm fairly content - whether that is just my brain allowing delusion to help keep me from wallowing, or the years and years and years of disappointing myself just beating my expectations into submission - I don't know. I realized a few years back that I would get very anxious when planning to go new places/try new things. I also learned that that anxiety released itself as me being a screeching bitch if things didn't go according to my plan. If I got uncomfortable, or embarrassed by my limitations, I'd turn into a complete hag. At least realizing this allowed me to no longer subject the people I like to it. This just resulted in me skipping more and more events.
I was getting a pedicure with a friend recently - and this is a person I have literally known my whole life. We were talking about the surgery, and I was sharing my plans for about a year down the road. I told her I wanted to move downtown - hopefully into one of the super-cute little studios I've found online - so I'd be where the action is. I'd be closer to the lakes I want to go walk or bike around. I'd be closer to the sporting venues I want to go watch games at. I'd be closer to action. Closer to activities within walking distance. Be closer to life. Most people experience all of these things when they're younger - but for me life is really going to get going at age 41 =) I realized how much I'd been hiding what I really want when she looked at me and told me she had no idea that is something I'd even like.
Wow. I've been lying to everyone. But don't feel bad, guys. I've been lying to myself most of all. Telling myself it didn't matter that I couldn't do all of the things I wanted to do. I could still do plenty. The truth is - I can't do shit. I get myself to work. I occasionally go out when I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, and can insure I won't have to walk or stand too much. Otherwise I sit my ass on my couch because everything else causes pain. My knees, hips and ankles just can't take it. My lower back rebels regularly. Hauling this body, and years of disappointment around, it just too much.
The positives of me making the decision to pursue surgery just keep compounding. For the longest all I could focus on was the physical. How thoroughly excited I am to be able to exercise and get in shape! But then I realized it was also going to give me the gift of time. If I don't have to spend so much time being anxious about every distance I need to travel, every chair I need to sit in, how long my knees are going to ache after running errands - - I am going to have so much more time to take care of myself. I'll be able to cook - instead of claiming I hate cooking because I can't stand long enough to chop/dice/mix/etc everything that is needed for the dish. It just dawned on me that that might be another thing I don't actually hate, but have told myself I do because it was uncomfortable. Holy shit! I really am going to have this whole new life!
And I'm going to call on a lot of you. For ideas about cooking. Gym and walking dates - - for real this time, because I'll actually be able to do it!!! Bike rides. Concerts in the park. Taking in a baseball game. Basically doing anything other than sitting on my couch. I've been doing that for 20 years. I'm looking forward to spending the next 20 doing just about anything else.
This edited life I've been leading has left me completely....demoralized. Sad. Embarrassed. Immobile. Left-out. Lonely. Just this summer I have skipped 2 family concert outings because of the limitations I have created by allowing my body to become as large as it is. While it was somewhat liberating to admit freely that I just couldn't join (walking even short distances is a challenge - and standing is just not an option) instead of creating some elaborate story about why I wouldn't be able to attend, it didn't make me any less disappointing to not be a part of them. Watching Facebook for pictures, or checking my texts to follow along on their adventures is not even remotely the same as being able to partake in these events myself.
And that is just the last couple of months. The events/outings I haven't participated in over the last 20 years of my life due to my size are staggering. There are times that I'm sure my cover stories have been better than others. I've skipped outings with friends. Trips. Happy hours. Dinners. Concerts. Sporting Events. All because I was scared it would be too much of an inconvenience to get there, or I was afraid of the seating once I did. There are so many things I haven't done in this life because they might have been uncomfortable for me. So many things I've wanted to do, but wouldn't allow myself to admit to, because I wanted to put on a brave face. Don't worry about me everyone - I'm happy. And for the most part - - I'm lucky. I'm not a miserable person...most of the time, anyway. Most of the time I'm fairly content - whether that is just my brain allowing delusion to help keep me from wallowing, or the years and years and years of disappointing myself just beating my expectations into submission - I don't know. I realized a few years back that I would get very anxious when planning to go new places/try new things. I also learned that that anxiety released itself as me being a screeching bitch if things didn't go according to my plan. If I got uncomfortable, or embarrassed by my limitations, I'd turn into a complete hag. At least realizing this allowed me to no longer subject the people I like to it. This just resulted in me skipping more and more events.
I was getting a pedicure with a friend recently - and this is a person I have literally known my whole life. We were talking about the surgery, and I was sharing my plans for about a year down the road. I told her I wanted to move downtown - hopefully into one of the super-cute little studios I've found online - so I'd be where the action is. I'd be closer to the lakes I want to go walk or bike around. I'd be closer to the sporting venues I want to go watch games at. I'd be closer to action. Closer to activities within walking distance. Be closer to life. Most people experience all of these things when they're younger - but for me life is really going to get going at age 41 =) I realized how much I'd been hiding what I really want when she looked at me and told me she had no idea that is something I'd even like.
Wow. I've been lying to everyone. But don't feel bad, guys. I've been lying to myself most of all. Telling myself it didn't matter that I couldn't do all of the things I wanted to do. I could still do plenty. The truth is - I can't do shit. I get myself to work. I occasionally go out when I know exactly what I'm getting myself into, and can insure I won't have to walk or stand too much. Otherwise I sit my ass on my couch because everything else causes pain. My knees, hips and ankles just can't take it. My lower back rebels regularly. Hauling this body, and years of disappointment around, it just too much.
The positives of me making the decision to pursue surgery just keep compounding. For the longest all I could focus on was the physical. How thoroughly excited I am to be able to exercise and get in shape! But then I realized it was also going to give me the gift of time. If I don't have to spend so much time being anxious about every distance I need to travel, every chair I need to sit in, how long my knees are going to ache after running errands - - I am going to have so much more time to take care of myself. I'll be able to cook - instead of claiming I hate cooking because I can't stand long enough to chop/dice/mix/etc everything that is needed for the dish. It just dawned on me that that might be another thing I don't actually hate, but have told myself I do because it was uncomfortable. Holy shit! I really am going to have this whole new life!
And I'm going to call on a lot of you. For ideas about cooking. Gym and walking dates - - for real this time, because I'll actually be able to do it!!! Bike rides. Concerts in the park. Taking in a baseball game. Basically doing anything other than sitting on my couch. I've been doing that for 20 years. I'm looking forward to spending the next 20 doing just about anything else.
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