New Year, New Natalie?

It is absolutely ridiculous that another entire year has passed! I remember when I was young, and all of the "old people" (anyone over 30) would tell me how fast time goes the older you get. I assure you, I believed that to be complete bullshit...but here I am - constantly in awe of how quickly our time seems to evaporate.

I went in to 2018 a little nervous. The newness had worn off after my surgery. I figured I had definitely lost the weight I was going to lose - - I was weighing in at 209# on January 1st - - I had blown any and every goal I had for weight loss out of the water! Now I'd have to be accountable. I'd have to stay on task. 

It was my standard M.O. to stick with a plan for a while (granted - I'd already stuck with this much longer than most) and then just completely jump ship. Abandon all of the behaviors that had created any amount of success, and go back to my old, destructive ways. 

It was scary. I was concerned that I'd need that "newness" to keep my brain engaged. I was worried that without the shiny new accomplishments rolling in one after the other, I'd lose interest like every other time in my past. I mean, really - - when was the last time I finished something? When was the last time I didn't just give up when things got a little hard? 

But then something happened. My brain finally clicked on, and realized that this whole process has been hard! 

• Admitting I needed to do something as drastic and permanent as surgery - hard. 
• Going to my bariatric appointments, both physically & mentally - hard
• Starting to work with Scott when I weighed 495# - HARD
• Being on a liquid diet for 21 days before my surgery - HARD
• Sticking with all of the nutrition and movement guidelines right after surgery - hard
• Continuing to go workout and push myself - hard
• Sticking with my eating plan, and continuing to follow the 30 minute rule - hard

I've proven I can do hard shit! And I can stick with it. Maybe I can trust myself enough...believe in myself enough...to actually accept this as my new normal. I am now a person who moves her ass, and eats what she's supposed to most of the time. I'm a person who is willing to be honest, and vulnerable, and really excited about things most people don't understand. 

I'm healthy. I'm happy. And I'm grateful. 

I'm heading into 2019 optimistic - which has been a really frightening thing for me in the past. I have this whole "it's easier to be hurt/disappointed when you were hopeful" attitude. I'm not sure when I turned into such a pansy - and now that I'm actually seeing it - I'm NOT a fan. That shit has to go. So here are a couple of things that I'm going to work on in this new year:

1. New Bod - with a new bod comes responsibility. I will have an increased obligation to myself. To get myself as ready as I can for successful surgeries and recoveries. To get back to working out as soon as safely able, and stick with it. To continue to stick to my diet. 
• FUPA removal is 1/10/19
• boobs & arms shortly after - - hopefully
2. Stop Saying "I'm Sorry" all the damn time - - not that I will never show remorse. Not that I will never owe anyone an apology. But what I'm going to try to curb is the automatic reaction within me to apologize if someone isn't 100% on board with my thoughts, statements or actions. The words "I'm sorry" come shooting out way to easy, and have lost all weight. They are just entirely too overused...I hear it all the time from others as well. Don't be sorry for everything you say, feel or do. This world needs to toughen up a little bit. There's a difference between empathy & remorse. Let's all try to be a little more empathetic...that's way more constructive as far as I'm concerned. And I'm NOT sorry to say it 😉
3. Try to turn this new life into...something - - I have no idea what that looks like, or what opportunities there are - - but I trust myself enough in this process to allow myself to try and help others. I believe I have something to offer people who are going through situations similar to mine. I've been contacted by a number of people that are considering bariatric surgery, or are just trying to live a more healthy life - - and I love it. I know it was great for me to have people to talk to that had gone through the process - - and I'd like to be that for other people. So stay tuned...or send suggestions/ideas if you have any

I know I'm a couple of days early - but here's to an ass-kicking 2019! What are your goals for yourself in the new year? 

Happy New Year!

2017 has definitely left an impression. Looking back it seems like it lasted about 15 minutes...but when I look at all of the things I've done this year...things it simply would not have been possible for me to do before...it's more than slightly mind-boggling.

For those of you that follow along on Facebook or Instagram - you likely already know most of this, so hopefully you don't find my recap too boring...but so many people type up their holiday letters recapping their year of adventure and accomplishment - - and for the first time in forever, I feel like I have some pretty cool shit to share!

The word I would use for 2017 would be "amazing". I started the year feeling amazing - - I was at about 280pounds. I had lost over 215 pounds. I had already flown past where I was hoping I'd get after surgery. I was working out. I was eating pretty well. I was able to fit into actual pants again...I could wear jeans. I was feeling fantastic. I was thinking that if I could just maintain that loss - - if I could somehow keep myself on track, and not have a huge backslide, I'd have it made. I was no longer limited by my size. Don't get me wrong - I was still a sizable lady - - but compared to where I had started....I was content as hell!! But I would learn that I didn't need to be content with where I was at...because things were just going to keep moving!

In March I did something I hadn't done in years...which kind of seemed like a theme for this year... I loaded my ass onto a plane, somewhat fitting in one seat! My sister & bro-in-law used their miles to allow Wendy & I to go Mexico to visit our aunt an uncle for a few days. I realized a few things while on this trip:

• I truly am solar powered - - winter is horrible
• It is so much less anxiety-producing to fly on a plane when you're able to somewhat fit through the aisle, and don't barely fit through sideways
• My face sunscreen had obviously expired, because I fried the shit out of myself from the neck up

 The end of winter/early spring also gave me the courage to do something else I'd been hesitant to do. Reconnect with friends from years ago. I was lucky enough to get back together with some of my absolute favorite ladies from my Moorhead State days...it's amazing how we were able to just pick up where we left off - - didn't miss a beat! I hadn't seen them in 20 years - most recently because I was just too damn embarrassed about how I'd completely let myself go, and gained approximately 1 million pounds.
In April I went to Seattle with a group of fantastic friends that I've had since 7th grade. Seriously, so much fun! We walked, and walked, and walked. Something there is not one chance I would have been able to do before. And I only got "hangry" once. Live and learn - always carry snacks! =)

 This year I attended a bunch of concerts and sporting events. I know most of you totally take for granted the fact that your ass is just going to fit into whatever seating is offered/available - - but let me assure you, when you've been on the other side of that - - having anxiety over seating/walking/standing for years, it is so fucking fantastic when you realize you can now fit. In stadium seating, in tiny folding chairs all strapped together. You can go up or down the number of steps required to get to and from your seat. You're not worried about how far you might have to walk to get to your final destination. You don't panic if you might have to stand for a bit (although you will forever prefer sitting on your ass if given the option). You finally get to remove "no" from your list of auto-responses, and actually getting to formulate your answer based on your genuine interest in whatever the event is you have the option to attend. It's magical!

One of my biggest reasons I decided to have this surgery - - other than the sheer exhaustion of being a 500# person - - was my family. I knew they were concerned about me - - many awkward conversations later, and I finally heard them. But anyway - - they were a huge factor. I was so tired of missing shit! So I have now gotten to attend more softball games, basketball games, t-ball/coach pitch (which lets face it - - is like watching a few adults try to herd cats) in the last couple of years than the 10+ years before that combined. It is honestly so amazing to get to watch these kids accomplish such amazing things - - and I'm finally there for it!! I'm there for it all!! I just don't know how to describe it other than I am just so grateful! I love these 3 kids so much - - and being able to be present for them is just indescribable. And I feel like I have like 30 nieces and nephews now - because I appreciate their friends and teammates - and want nothing but fantastic things for all of them!

 In September I crossed a major experience off my bucket list. We went skydiving!!! I had wanted to do this for years. YEARS!!! And my dad & sisters did it with me. And my poor mom came along and took pictures, and watched her entire family load onto a plane, just to jump out of it! And as a huge added bonus, one of my best friends from Jr High/High School brought her nephew on the same day, at the same time! All 6 of us got to go on the same plane. All of us got to experience this amazing thing together. I know there were a couple in my family that weren't exactly excited about it - - but once we all made it safely to the ground - - I came in on my ass, which seems appropriate - - I think they were glad they joined. It was, you guessed it...amazing. And finally being to the point where I could do it was....just...wow.

And, as if this year wasn't rad enough - I went to Utah in November. My youngest sister/activity coach went to visit my bonus sister and her love. I don't even know how to describe this experience. It was just the greatest. Our hosts were fantastic, and took such good care of us. And were so patient with me, and my cardio limitations/crazy brain. Everywhere I looked, it was just beautiful. I saw some of the most amazing shit. And it was just miles and miles and miles of untouched/unfuckedwith beauty. As a girl from Minnesota, I had no damn idea just how many mountains were out west! This was such an eye-opening experience. And I feel like it demonstrated, in the most gorgeous way possible, just how far I have come since I made the decision to have this surgery. I was just so damn thankful for being able to experience it.

So....those are the big things. Those were the major milestones. But what it's not telling are the millions of tiny little things that made this year uniquely awesome. I weigh in tomorrow - on the 1st - so we'll see if the sugary treats of the holiday season have caught up with me - - but as of today I've lost another 73# this year. I'm down a total of 288#. I've gone from a mens size 5X tshirt to a mens L. I now feel like a bit of a slug if I don't move my ass a bit during the day. I'm going to keep track of the miles I put on in 2018 - - I think that will be a really interesting number...especially considering my mileage for 2015 was probably about 30 miles...total. Seriously.

See....amazing. Doing amazing things, surrounded by amazing, supportive people. I am so damn lucky. I appreciate all of you.

I am not naive enough to think that 2018 won't have it's challenges. Going into the maintenance phase....trying to stay motivated when the pounds aren't dropping off...will be a major focus for me. Sticking to the things that got me to this point - - working out, lifting weights, watching what I shove into my face, moving my ass. And I will likely start researching some skin removal options...but that honestly scares the shit out of me....so we'll see. But even with these things staring me in the face, I am so excited to see what this new year brings. What experiences I'll have that just a couple of years ago seemed impossible.....