A Teller of Truths

I feel like my emotions are going about a million miles an hour, and in about a million different directions. I don't know if that makes any sense to most of you - - but it's how I'm feeling. I'm going to lay down some truths for you - - "these are my confessions" *Ursher voice*

Surgery

I'm freaking out! I have been for a while. I think it is probably normal to have some nerves before a surgery. But this one comes with a complete life change as well. Granted - I am hopeful most of the changes are going to be positive - but EVERYTHING is going to change. And it is flipping me out! Having no idea what to expect is playing a rather large role in all of this. Having to sign forms that acknowledge I'm too heavy for a some of the testing equipment they would use if there is an issue during surgery doesn't help either. I'm almost 41 years old and I still feel like my parents should be signing all of this paperwork for me! The rational part of my brain trusts everything is going to be fine. I like my surgeon. He's assembled the perfect team for my particular situation. It's going to be fine. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, I still continue to have my mini freak out sessions. Mostly internal - but they're happening...frequently.

Food

I have realized I spend an insane amount of time thinking about food. It's like my brain forgets I'm on a liquid diet. Not for long periods of time - but I have multiple times a day I  think about what I'll eat next. Occasionally looking out days in advance. If I have an appointment - what restaurant to I like near there, and what should food should I pop in and get? These moments are short-lived as it doesn't take long for me to remember that I don't get to chew. And when I do, it won't be whatever delicious, sodium and fat-filled treat I was just thinking about. If I can somehow ween myself off this behavior, I'll have plenty of free time on my hands.

 I've also realized that eating was very comforting to me. The actual act. It was like a kid and their blankie - only with calories. Lots of calories. I realized this during my detox, and it has come back full force in the days since I've started my liquid diet. I miss food. I'm guessing a drastically decreased appetite will help with this - - but it is definitely going to continue to be a battle for me. I'm going to have to find new comfort. Maybe knitting. Maybe walks. Maybe something completely new will present itself as I lose the weight.

My Bod

Don't get me wrong - I realize my current body is not something I want to spend much more time with...but it's been my home for years. I don't remember what it was like living in a body that wasn't large enough to cause consistent issues. I don't remember what it was like to assume my ass will fit in whatever seat is provided. I don't remember what it was like to not be seriously concerned about how far I'd have to walk, how long I'd have to stand, how sweaty I would get - -just performing any function. Running errands are a chore in this body. Everything is a challenge in this body. But I'm used to this body. What is this new body going to be like? Other than being able to do a shit ton more - - what will I look like? Will I even look like me anymore? Will I be unrecognizable to myself and others? How long will it take me to lose the size-anxiety I experience every time I'm going somewhere? Will I just be one big blob of loose skin? How am I going to control this loose skin? Is there something stronger than Spanx? Will my damn FUPA hang to my knees? Will my boobs be even more pancake-ish than they currently are? Will my loose arm skin hang out the bottom of my sleeves so I can never wear short sleeves again? I'm getting a brand new home, and it's kind of freaking me out.

 Failure

There is still a part of me - granted that part is becoming smaller and smaller - but there is still a part of me that is a little sad it's come to this. That I allowed myself to get to this size, and failed so many damn times to just stick to a decent diet and exercise program - that now drastic surgery is my only option. I'm still pissed at myself. I still feel like a failure. I still look at myself, and shake my head. I should have been able to do this on my own. I should have been strong enough. I should have had the will-power. I should have been...so many things that I'm not. Or at least haven't been.

Excited

In spite of all of this - I'm so damn excited for my future. I'm excited to see what this body can do. I'm excited to experience things that are going to feel new because I haven't been able to do them for so long - or will legitimately be new experiences. I know the recovery is going to be hard. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. But I also have hope. And I have a 5 year old nephew who's pretty damn excited about what my future holds as well - and he's awesome enough to remind me of it frequently. 

State of the FUPA: Volume 1

A lot has been happening the last few days. Mostly good, which is more than welcome by me at this point. 

I've remained in my funk from the end of last week through the weekend and the beginning of this week. Irritated, frustrated, demoralized and cranky. Not feeling like the scale was reflecting what I've been doing. Not feeling like the joints on the lower half of my body are cooperating with me - and allowing me to do what I'd like to be doing in a somewhat pain-free way. I've been a mess. 

I woke up Friday morning feeling like someone was taking a chisel to the inside of my left knee. Every step - every time I put weight on that leg - pain. Sharp pain. The kind that really gets old after 6 days straight of it. I took it easy that morning and later I met with a lady in the psychology division of the bariatric surgery department. The good news was that I was found sane enough for surgery, and given approval to proceed. Victory.

I received a call on Monday to finally get my appointment scheduled with the surgeon. This is just my pre-surgery consultation - but I should be getting my surgery date soon! On Wednesday March 2nd I'll be having an ultrasound done on my gall bladder, a meeting with a nurse and then meeting the surgeon! Hopefully they will decide a date for my surgery. Then I meet with the dietitian Friday, March 11th to get my pre and post surgery diet guidelines. We're making move, people!

As excited as I was to finally be moving forward, and in some fairly major ways, I was still just salty as hell when I went to my appointment with Scott this morning. That poor guy. I am certain he finds me to be one of the crankiest individuals on the planet, and I can't say what he's experienced has been anything but. Unfortunately for him, he ends up being my shrink as well. But that actually ended up being a good thing today. We spent my walk chatting, and I realized I hadn't explained my full situation to him very well. I think we've got things cleared up now - and he's working on a new plan for me to help get some of this weight off quicker, to hopefully help alleviate some joint pain - and ultimately get me closer to my surgery date. 

When I initially told him about my pre-surgery weight-loss goal, I'd unknowingly left some fairly pertinent information out. Yes - I'm certain part of the reason they want me to lose some weight prior to my surgery is to prove I'm capable of making good choices. (I am still fast food, soda and *mostly* sweet free since February 2nd. That includes NO Cheetos!!) But the major reason for my weight loss prior to surgery is for my safety. The more you weigh, the more dangerous surgery/being put under is. The sad thing is that even for a procedure designed for overweight people, I'm still on the very heavy end of the spectrum. The more weight I lose on my own means the less days I spend on the liquid diet. They want me to have lost about 70 pounds by the time I have my surgery. I'm currently at about 37. Good, but not great. 

Now that he is understanding the full picture, Scott is devising a plan. I'm going to be doing some sort of cleanse next week. High nutrients, lower calories. Yes - I want that to get me closer to my surgery goal weight, but I am the most hopeful that it will help with my damn knees! I'm so sick of being in pain all the time! I want to be able to push myself in my sessions with Scott. I want to make the most of my time prior to surgery to make some headway in getting myself stronger. But when every movement is painful, it just gets really demoralizing! My self-talks - basically just repeatedly telling myself to get the hell over it - aren't working. So hoping shedding some more weight will get me over the hump to where my body can cooperate with me a little bit. I suspect a pain-free body will result in a happier Natalie, which will make the life of all those forced to deal with me just a little bit easier. =)

Well - that is where I am at for now. I meet with Scott Friday to put together the plan for cleanse week next week. I'm honestly kind of excited. I could use some accelerated movement in the right direction. My emotional well-being needs it. My knees and hips need it. My disposition needs it. It's time to kick it up a notch. 

The Rate of Progress

One not-even-remotely shocking tidbit about me is that I am someone who enjoys immediate gratification. This need is likely what tended to fuel most of my food choices. Why wait to cook something at home when I can go get a ready-made meal in any drive thru? I want cheetoes, I will have cheetoes. Immediately. This is something I'm very aware will need to change - and I am working on it - but the change is slow.

Currently, the most glaring issue I'm having with my immediate gratification need is with my body. I expect that if I'm expending the smallest amount of energy to exercise, eat right, etc - my body should somehow miraculously just decide to drastically shrink, and be incredibly mobile. I ate a carrot stick instead of a cheeto yesterday - I should have lost 20 pounds! I walked for 45 seconds - - I should now be able to have full range of pain-free motion! Sadly - this is not how it works.

Enter, my current pity party. I woke up this morning to aching knees. Nothing new there, but it just triggered something in me. With little to no warning, I was on the verge of tears. I thought my emotions had leveled out after spending a couple of trying weeks on the cusp of what felt like a nervous breakdown - but alas they are not! 

It has been a little over 2 weeks since I've had fast food, soda or sweets. TWO WEEKS!! For me, that is an eternity. I've been working with Scott. I've been making an effort to do what he asks me to do. I've been eating more fruits and veggies, and making an effort to prepare my own food. I'm making sure I get in breakfast. I've been trying to change! Trying to start to mold the active, healthy life I'm so looking forward to having! But then I just feel like my body isn't cooperating. I still get winded easily. My hips and knees still ache/hurt more than I'd like. WAY more than I'd like. Diet Coke still calls to me. It's moments like this morning that I feel like I haven't made any progress at all!

But then I need to take a minute. I need to realize that I have made progress. I'm eating so much better - have you heard - I've gone 2 weeks without fast food, soda or sweets! As Scott tries to point out to me - I'm improving with my workouts. Yes - I still get winded doing very little - but now I'm DOING very little. I'm  not sitting on my couch. I'm walking and flipping tires and lifting weights. And considering where I started - I have definitely had progress. I may not be happy with the rate of the progress. It's not immediate. Not even close. It is slow and steady. But it is steady. And with each day, things will hurt less. The ache in my joints will become a thing of the past. I will be strong. I will be fit. Eventually....

So I will allow myself my momentary pity party. I am giving myself until 3pm today. At 3:30 I meet with the psychologist to hopefully get my last pending approval for surgery. Everything is moving forward. I'm moving forward. And I'm really excited for what's in front of me - I just need to try and enjoy the journey a little bit, and not be so concerned with how fast I'm getting there....because I'll never be here again...