Under the Knife

Hello, old friends. It has been so long since I have checked in, and for that I apologize. With the exception of a 5 month stretch last summer, I have continued to fail at my battle against the bulge. It is very hard to want to share ones constant, and repeated failures - so I went silent. Occasionally using my Facebook page, but otherwise keeping my struggle to myself. Well, not really to myself - anyone that was looking at me could see it - - but you know what I mean.

It was only after dodging my annual doctor's appointment for 6 months that I was willing to admit that it was time. Time to stop being so damn stubborn. Time to not necessarily admit I was incapable of getting healthy, but adjusting my expectations. Time to admit that for a person as overweight as myself, there is one beaming, bring beacon of hope that has time and again shown to be the best opportunity for future health. It was time for me to listen to my doctor's repeated suggestion. Time to look around at the number of people I have known who have opted for surgery and had it be a huge success. It was time to stop fooling myself and admit I need major help. It was time to seriously consider bariatric surgery.

I told my youngest sister first. Excitement and positivity were sent my way. Then sent a text to my immediate family - who continue to be so supportive, even after my less-than-successful past attempts. When I admitted to being a complete pain in the ass about everything, and said I should have just done this 5 years ago, I was met with "Yes, but don't look back. Lets look forward to many good years to come!!!". I've got the coolest damn family.

I met with a friend who has had the surgery recently. I asked if there was anything he wished he'd known - or anything that was less than what he'd anticipated - and was told absolutely not. No regrets. The best decision he'd ever made. I had another friend contact her coworker for information on her surgery - same response. Best decision she'd ever made.

I finally booked my appointment with my doctor, and thought she was going to hug me she was so excited. She reiterated again that is by far the best possibility of success for a person in my current condition. I told one side of my extended family at our vacation in June and received nothing but encouragement, and options, and excitement. I put it up on Facebook and Twitter - and everyone was so supportive and encouraging.

I'm surrounded by outstanding people.

So there I was - - finally allowing myself to admit that I wasn't going to do this on my own. That I needed something major, something permanent, something painful, something completely life-altering to help me. So excited about all of the doors this would open, or re-open for me. And then the bottom fell out. My company has "excluded" this type of surgery from our plan. I am not covered by insurance. (I have so much more to say about this, but it will require it's own post later) The issue became - how much did I want my life back? I am so lucky to have a financing option, so I could choose whether it was important enough for me to go into debt, but have a life. Whether it was worth it be that active person I've wanted to be for so long, but my body just will not allow it. And there was no hesitation in me deciding that yes - it's totally worth it. It will be completely worth having to pay this surgery off like a car payment because I'll be able to live life while I do it. I will no longer have to spectate this really sad excuse for an existence I've been rocking for the last 10ish years.

So I've decided. It's surgery for me. Now I just need to hope that the bariatric department at the hospital I've chosen will feel the same. I had my first round of appointments September 9th, the next round September 21st. At this time, I've gotten the go ahead from the 3 people I've met with. Now it's just fingers crossed for the next few. This whole process is going to test me - especially my non-existent patience. But I know it will be worth it. I know I'm worth it.

I'm thankful....

There are times (the last month in particular) when I host a mini pity-party for myself. While I do believe that all things are relative (example: a thin woman can feel the need to lose weight when she gains __ pounds, because that is uncomfortable for her - when I feel like that is just plain silliness, because she is 1/9th my size, and I would like very much to be that tiny) I have no legitimate reason to have this solo festivals of ridiculousness. So for Thanksgiving weekend, I decided to celebrate all of the things (and there are way more than I listed here) why I am one damn lucky lady. So, without further delay - my list of thanks (in no particular order).

I am thankful... for my parents. No matter what my issue - and Lord knows there have been (and continue to be) many...I know I can count on them to always be there to help. Always. Shout out to Sue & Steve. You guys rule.

I am thankful... for my nieces and nephew. I have known for years that kids weren't in the cards for me, and I still totally feel that way - but I am astounded by how much I love these little people. They are so awesomely entertaining. I'm so lucky to be a part of their growing up...and I really can't wait to watch their parents deal with that! Shout out to Macy, Jorey & G. Steve. You guys remind me I'm not completely dead inside.

I am thankful... that I decided to stock up on all sorts of kitchen supplies, even though I never cooked. Now that I cook regularly, this crap is really coming in handy.

I am thankful... that I have a job. This isn't a given these days. And having one I like is a bonus.

I am thankful... for my friends. You have let me live with you, introduced me to hiking and tolerate my anti-fitness, got me a phone when I "lost" mine, met me for countless gym dates, stood in as my IT specialist, and on and on and on. You put up with my victory dances and sass. I have friends from high school that although we only get together every couple of months, it's like we've never been apart. I prefer quality over quantity, and you guys are quality. You're just there...when there is no reason for you to be.

I am thankful... for helpful family friends. When JaLisa decided she wanted to challenge me last week, Mr. G stopped to test some things, and tried to get her started. Then he coordinated her tow and repair. Shout out to you Kenny G. You are handy as hell, and I appreciate you.

I am thankful... for my family. All the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whatever you call the kids of your cousins, etc. I love that we still get together - maybe not as often as we used to, but we still see each other a few times a year. I love that you allow me to be a part of your lives. I appreciate each of you who does all the work of organizing, so we continue to celebrate holidays together. It's exhausting, but it's awesome. We are lucky.

I am thankful... that one of my grandma's was still alive to read my first (hopefully of many) book. Having your 80 year old granny tell you she really enjoyed your book is a pretty frickin' sweet thing. Shout out to Kay. She's living proof that you should smoke'm if you got'em. She's 80, and still likes her cigs. Enjoy your life, people. You only get one.

I am thankful... for the word "ninja". It never fails to make me smile.

I am thankful... that I still have my health. I may not be as healthy as I like, but I have my health. I can still work-out. I'm not on medication. It isn't something to be taken for granted.

I am thankful... for my sisters. Few people are lucky enough to have close relationships with their siblings like we do - not to mention you guys make me laugh like nobody else can. Ripping that piss-saturated carpet out really bonded us forever. Shout out to Wendy & Mackenzie. I love you.

What are you thankful for?

Dear 2010...

...I know this letter is a few days overdue, and for that I apologize. You were really great to me, and I should have been more punctual. Unfortunately, I have been in a bit of a funk since the beginning of the year, and had to deal with that before I could tell you just how much I appreciated everything you did for me. I think I am ready now.

Thank you, 2010. I will always look back at you as the year I finally started changing my life for the better. I will remember you fondly as the year I improved my diet, exercise, over-all health...the year I regained hope.

I made a decision in February, right before starting fat camp, to start this blog. OK - maybe I didn't decide to. I was forced to. But I will be eternally grateful to my sister Wendy for pushing me to do it. It has honestly been the most rewarding experience of my life. I made a decision to be honest. Not kind of honest - but honest, honest - about what the experience of trying to get healthy is like for me. It hasn't always been pretty, and I am sure I have many rough days ahead of me - but it has always been worth it. I have been so shocked by and overwhelmed by and grateful for the completely unexpected outpouring of kindness I have received from people. From the very beginning I have received nothing but kind words and encouragement from friends, family and even people I have never met - but I now consider friends. It has truly been an amazing experience so far - and I will always remember you as the year it all started.

You surrounded me with a fantastic support system. Friends who went hiking with me, or to the gym with me, or cook me healthier meals. A family that humors me by eating my "light" meals, when they don't have to - and a supportive grandma (who makes all of us bags of snacks - cookies, snack mix, fudge, etc - for Christmas gifts each year) who gave me less of the sugary snacks, and added in apples and oranges. And YC - who is a young kid who is used to dealing with football players, but who doesn't coddle me or belittle me - but pushes me to do more than I would have ever done on my own.

Oh - 2010...you gave me some challenges. I was canned from my job - but can now honestly look back on that as a positive. It allowed me to do some other things, and afforded me other opportunities, that I never would have had the chance to look at while still at that position. I get to write a book! Who would have thought?!? I was a girl who never did well in English class, and who initially thought of writing a blog as a waste of time. Now look at me. Writing is now something I really enjoy, and would love to do for the rest of my life!

We had our ups, and we had our downs - but I will always look back on you with fondness. You were the year I got my life back. You were the launching pad for this whole new exciting life full of possibilities I never would have thought of for me before. You showed me that people still have an amazing capacity for kindness - you just have to put yourself out there. You showed me that I may have some untapped talents. You gave me back my optimism. You reminded me that I am worth the effort. I will appreciate you forever.

Thank you again for all you've done for me.

Sincerely,
Natalie

P.S. I hope your brother, 2011, is ready for me! I am about to kick his ass!