4 months, 2 days

It is unbelieveable to me that it's already been 4 months since my surgery. Time has flown by. There are the occasional hiccups - but I am definitely grateful the vast majority of the days that I decided to finally go for it. Since my surgery I've lost 80 pounds. It's absolute madness that I've lost 150 pounds through this process....and that I still have so many to go!!!

About 2 months ago, my youngest sister Mackenzie (see also: my activity coach) said I should do the 5K walk at the "Rock the Pavement" even on August 20th (this morning). I thought that seemed like a reasonable timeframe to work up to walking 3 miles, so I recruited my kind friend Stephanie to walk with me. And a deadline was established. What better way to celebrate my 4-month surgiversary? 

In those 2 months we did a few walks that were about 3 miles - so although I move at the pace of a tortoise, I knew I could cover that distance. I was feeling pretty good about things - and then this week hit. I had my most exhausting work rotation, oversleeping and missing a walk, one day where I was not feeling well at all, a day in the 90 degree heat at the fair and a day of laziness to conserve energy. 

What I have learned is that apparently having a bit of an off week leading up to something with actual parameters/expectations will allow 495-pound Natalie brain to come in and completely fuck everything up. Now let me say that I fully understand there should have been no reason for panic or anxiety about this morning - - I have covered this distance in the not so distant past. I suspected our Uber would be able to drop us off near the starting line. But that mattered very little to my crazed brain......

I couldn't sleep last night. It was like I was somehow transported back to the days prior to losing some weight - prior to this surgery - where every event, especially those to a somewhat unfamiliar area, were cause for a total freak out. I was trying to figure out how the driver could get us as close to the starting line as possible (we were able to pull into a lot right near the action). I was losing it over the fact that I may have to walk a little over 3 miles to get to, and back from, the actual race/walk path - and I'd only ever really walked those 3 miles! Everything that was added on was pushing further and further from my tested distance! (insert extreme eye roll here) The only legitimate concern I had was the standing. I still hate standing...or rather, my knees still hate standing. But even that was going to be within reason. But try telling that to my whirlwind brain when I'm trying to sleep.

So we got there - and it immediately started to rain. I guess my constant requests to "please don't be too humid" were heard - - but overcorrected. It rained the entire time. we were drenched. My white tshirt was maybe not my best decision, but at least the logo was covering my boobs. Due to the crap weather, there wasn't the anticipated turn-out. We started our walk a little early - figuring if we were going to get rained on, we might as well be moving. I am still slow-as-shit, but we finished. I was grateful for both of my activity coaches today. I am also grateful that is over with.

Other than that, the last month has been somewhat uneventful. Just trying to eat mostly protein and some fats - - working in a carb here and there. So happy to have had pizza a couple of weeks ago - it is still my fave, so I'll have to watch that one. I have had a few protein shakes, and they don't seem to make me nauseous anymore, which is a total win. I recognize I'm in the honeymoon phase - and am happy to still be here. I have days every now and then where I just want to stuff things I don't need into my face (cheese curds, chips & salsa, french fries) but I think that's normal. So far these wants have been short-lived, which is awesome. I still miss diet coke everyday, but alas it is not to be. 

I'm trying to move my ass more - - I genuinely enjoy my walks (typically right around a mile & a half) so those no longer feel like absolute torture. I am slowly but surely seeing improvements. I still have shit for energy, which is somewhat frustrating - but will hopefully improve now that I can actually drink more of my protein - hopefully allowing some space for some well-placed carbs.

Most of the time, life is pretty damn swell. I'm trying to roll with it - not put too much pressure on myself, but also now allow myself to slip back into old/lazy habits. My body is changing - able to do more than I would have thought it would at this point. Now if I can just figure out how to shutdown my crazed brain when it rears it's ugly head, I'll really be getting somewhere..... 

My Biggest Hurdle: My Own Brain

Today's session with Scott was bad. Really bad. Not due to anything he said, did or asked of me. It was 100% on me.

It's been a long week. Work stuff has just completely worn me out. I'm trying to eat better, but I know I probably didn't get enough to eat yesterday (my pre-prepped meals ran out on Wednesday....I'm still trying to get myself organized in that department) - which Scott has repeatedly warned me is a problem. I walked into the gym feeling drained - physically and even more so emotionally. It was a recipe for disaster. And it was a disaster.

I did my walk while we chatted. Don't get me wrong - I still don't love my walks - but they've become much more tolerable. But today I just kept looking at my Fitbit praying for it to be over. While I was finishing up, Scott starting putting together the equipment for the next phase of my workout. "Shit. Shit. SHIT." was all that was going through my head as I realized it was going to be a lower body day. Lower body days are the worst...I have to haul all of this bulk along with me for all of the exercises. I'm hopeful one day that will be much easier than it is now - but for the time being, it is awful. A very necessary evil, I know....

So damn true.....

So I made up my mind before I even started that it was going to suck. Then Scott told me the duration I needed to do each station. That was it. My brain had already decided I couldn't do it. Well - truthfully, my fear decided I couldn't do it, and quickly got my brain onboard. And how do I react to fear, feeling uncomfortable and insecure? That's right - by being a raging bitch. I instantly turned into a petulant child. I was so sure I couldn't do it before I started that I didn't even give myself a chance to try.

Instead of just doing the best that I could - and listening to Scott's direction - I pouted, gave half-assed effort and smarted off to him. I behaved horribly. To his credit, he didn't tell me to get the hell out of the gym and never come back. I suspect I may have done that if I had been in his shoes.

I went to Scott because I need someone to push me. I trust him. I know he knows what he's doing. I obviously do not, or I wouldn't be in my current situation - - so where does my brain get off thinking it knows best? I made him aware of what my goals were, and asked him to help me. I told him I'd do what he asked me to do. He is more than living up to his end of the deal. I am the one who is not.

This is about enough of that shit. I am looking forward to so many positive changes, I should probably start with my attitude. So this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to fight my inner bitch. She is ruled by fear, and I no longer need her to protect me. I'm going to prove to myself that I can do things my fear immediately tells me I can't. I'm going to get mentally tough. I'm going to do the things Scott asks me to do. I'm going to do them as well as I can. And I'm going to keep my mouth shut. And in the event that I forget, I'm going to ask him to please remind me to tell my inner bitch to shut the hell up and get to work. Because that hag is not going to keep me from living my best life.

It's time to toughen up buttercup. Physically, and most importantly - mentally.