Goals

People have been asking about what my goal weight is...what weight do I want to get to now that I've had this surgery to assist me in getting there. The truth is - I have no idea what a realistic expectation for me is. I've been so insanely over a healthy weight for so long, I have no idea what weight is going to work for me long-term. I can assure you it isn't the 130-144 pounds for a medium framed 5'6" female. I think I passed that weight in about 5th grade. It's a tough thing for me to wrap my head around.

Summer 1990 - approx 225#

At this point I'm hoping for 225-250. Now most of you are probably thinking why would I aim to still likely be classified as "obese". But the truth for me is that I weighed well above that when I graduated from high school. I'm thinking 225 was likely what I weighed in about 10th grade. I found this picture yesterday when I was looking for something else - and figured this might be me at about that weight. This is the summer before my sophomore year, after I'd had surgery on my left knee (it's still swollen). I'm guessing I was around 225 pounds in this picture - granted about 15 pounds of that was likely my bangs! (good grief - what was I thinking with that hairdo??) and another pound for shoulder pads - but you get the idea. I figure at that weight I should have no issue fitting into chairs, stadium seats or an airplane seat. That will also be light enough for me to skydive!! At that weight and size I should have absolutely no issue living the kickass life I want to. I'd be able to decide what I legitimately want to do, and do it - without being concerned about the walk, standing, or fitting into whatever seats are available. I'd be back in charge of my life...with slightly less bangs.

That being said - I have no idea if that is a realistic goal or not - but I know I'm willing to work my ass off to get to it. I'll make it realistic.

As far as where I am now - - things are going really well. I have a slightly less gross taste in my mouth. I've heard that will go away as the weight loss slows a bit - and apparently that is what I am to expect in month 2. I am consuming FairLife milk to get myself to, and beyond, my protein goal. I'm getting to eat actual food - a very curtailed list, but real food none-the-less. I'm starting to take my vitamins again, so hopefully my energy level will improve. I'm feeling great. I'm feeling like much more of a joiner than I had before. I'm not staying at home rather than going to do things because I may have to walk from the far side of the parking lot. I'm willing to participate, which is a huge step for me!

I've been using MyFitnessPal to track my food, to make sure I'm hitting my 65grams of protein each day. I'm not able to actually complete out my days however, because it keeps giving me errors that I'm not eating nearly enough to survive. I don't know how to tell the ap that I have a baby stomach now? I saw someone who has had this surgery post on Instagram that our stomachs are the size of an egg. Not sure I believe they are quite that small - I will definitely have to ask about that - but if that's true it's insane! Would definitely explain why when I tried to eat 2 hardboiled pickled eggs (made for me by my dad because I requested them) I thought I was going to die! Way too much food for me at this time. I've also learned that I cannot eat and then lay down. I was certain I was going to vomit last week. After 5 minutes of non-stop swallowing and deep breaths I finally started feeling OK again. Lots of learning last week on my first few days of "soft foods".

I'm going to keep plugging along with my tiny portions. I'm going to try and start adding in more movement. This phase of this process is baby steps. My lack of patience is really getting a workout! =) But I'm hanging in there. The number of times per week that I question this decision is decreasing all the time....

Liquid Diet: Week 1

One of the pre-surgery requirements for gastric bypass surgery is to do a liquid diet prior to the actual date. The minimum number of days, at least with the program I'm working with, is 10 days. I was told on March 2nd that I would need to do 21 days of a liquid diet.

I was assuming this was in large part to get me down to a weight that would make it safer to have this surgery. I was also told the length of time was, at least in part, based on what they needed my organs (specifically my liver) to do prior to surgery. I'd had an ultrasound done earlier that day - and based on those results it was determined I'd require a longer liquid diet. I wasn't particularly shocked to hear this news - nor was I jazzed.

I was able to enjoy my Easter - eating as many cheesy potatoes as I could handle at the time. I even allowed myself a piece of aunt Linda's french silk pie. I knew I had my liquid diet sentence starting the next day, so I tried to enjoy every bit of it.

Here is what I can have: 65-70grams of protein a day through protein shakes made with milk, protein powder or carnation instant breakfast packets. Broth, Tea, Propel, sugar-free jello, popsicles and Crystal light (I was approved to use Spark instead)

Monday morning came, and I did a little shopping. I bought 2 gallons of milk (which is more milk than I've probably had in the last 10 years combined) and used the protein powder I had on hand to get a couple of shakes mixed up. I was sad to discover that Costco didn't have a huge case of sugar-free jello. I guess there isn't a real need for fruity flavored air in bulk quantities? I'm going to confess - I thought to myself "maybe 2 weeks and 6 days is enough - -I could have one more day of eating". It was short-lived, and I didn't do it, but the thought crossed my mind.

My trainer Scott had shared a secret with me earlier - if you mix up your protein shake, and put it in the freezer for about an hour, it tastes icy and delicious when you drink it. I decided this was going to be my secret to success. I mixed up the 3 shakes as described by my dietician to get me to the appropriate amount of protein. I supplemented that with a couple of Spark (fruity powder you mix with water - made by Advocare) shakes. Monday was long, and boring - but it was the first day so I was naively feeling confident.

Then day 2 hit. I was starving! I had to work that day, so I was grateful for the distraction. I had my 3 protein shakes again that day, had a couple of Spark shakes, and decided I was definitely going to need to get a couple of other things on my extremely limited list of approved items to supplement this thing. I went and bought sugar-free jello, sugar-free popsicles and carnation instant breakfast. The carnation packets are lower in protein than my protein powder, so I'd be able to have more of them. I had a new strategy for the fight. I had a popsicle as soon as I got home, and it may have been the most delicious thing I'd ever eaten.

Wednesday I had 2 protein shakes and 2 carnation shakes. Two sparks shakes, 2 cups of sugar-free jello and a couple of popsicles. I was still hungry. Every. Minute. This is also the day that I really started to notice a couple of the less-than-pleasant side-effects. I felt like I was on fire much of the time. I am going to go ahead and blame the feeling of starvation for the increase in body temp. I also started experiencing - and I apologize in advance for being so graphic - a fair amount of gas. How is this even possible, with the limited things I'm consuming!?!? But it's the reality.

Thursday was the same. Friday was the same. I started praying that one of these days I would turn the corner and not be hungry every second of every day. Gratefully, that day came on Saturday. I finally realized I wasn't starving all the time. Don't get me wrong - that was day six, and I hadn't experienced anything close to feeling full in all of those days....but it was the first day I noticed I wasn't actively hungry all day long. It felt like such a victory. I added some broth in on day 7 after a couple of friends on my page urged me to do so - and it was so delicious. A different flavor from the chocolate or fruity I'd been experiencing for 6 days. I totally recommend.

I am now on day 9. I'm down a total of 54 pounds. I have 13 days left of this liquid diet, and then it's the big day. But there are a few things that haven't changed for the better in these 9 days - - I still think about food constantly. I catch myself planning out my next meal. I spend my time on social media hiding all of the food ads/videos I come across. I turn the radio when food commercials come on. Unfortunately, I have to go to the store to get my rations. I almost dove face-first into the Doritos display right inside the door at Target this morning. I keep expecting to wake up one morning having had a dream where I was wrapped lovingly in a pizza.

The truth of the matter is - this is pretty miserable. I'm trying to keep my eyes on the prize. I'm trying to remember why I'm doing this - and focus on all of the things I'll be able to do in 6 months that I can't do now. I'm trying to...maintain some semblance of sanity. I try to forget the fact that I'd be done tomorrow if I wasn't a special case. I try...but a lot of the time I just don't win.

Here's to the next 13 days flying right by!

The Return

Hello everyone! My apologies for my extended absence! I could get into the myriad of reasons for this too-long hiatus, but the simplest way of putting it is: I was dealing with a lot of shit - brought on by a series of errant personal and financial decisions. I was getting a big thumbs down from life for my efforts. I was feeling much less than inspiring - and didn't want to project my crap on to all of you. The good news is that I have got things turned around, and heading in a much more stable and workable direction. Basically - it's time to get this ship (and by ship, I mean swollen body and multiple FUPAs) moving full steam ahead!

Over the last couple of weeks I have gotten myself back to the gym on a regular basis. Today (Monday) I also did my weigh in for the 90-Day Weight Loss Challenge through my gym. There are a couple of friends and supporters of SDtS doing it also! I figure for $25 I can at a minimum have a slight incentive to get my rear to the gym, and stop hoovering crap - and if this is somehow, miraculously, the motivation I need - I could win a free gym membership for a year and a trip to a spa in California. What have I got to lose? So I am going to need you guys. I need you to comment on this blog, or write on our Facebook wall, or "Tweet" me on Twitter - with all of the things you are doing to be healthier. Did you exercise? Tell me about it. Did you choose veggies over chips? I'd love to hear about it! People doing positive things, and making healthy choices, inspires me to want to do the same. Plus, selfishly, I love hearing from all of you! It helps me want to do better than I have been. I need all of you. =)

So this morning I had my weigh in for the 90DWLC. I met with a personal trainer named Doug. Bless his heart - he is just no YC. While talking to him, he told me - and I am serious about this - that not only should I watch my carbs (I know this is true - but it is also sad. I LOVE my carbs, people!) - but he also told me I should watch my fruit and vegetable intake. If I want veggies, I should stick to dark leafy greens as much as possible - and when I do eat veggies, I should really have some protein with it. Really?!?! Now I can't just eat fruits and vegetables and trust I'm making a decent decision? Everything needs to be accompanied by protein? I told him that sounded like a nightmare, and probably wasn't going to happen, but I appreciated his input.

So off I go on the next chapter in the life of a girl just working on Slimming Down to Sexy....Eventually. 

What have you guys been up to while I was gone?