two steps forward....what seems like a million back....

I realize this won't be news to you guys - but I hadnt written consistently, for months. I am truly feeling invigorated, and ready to start spilling again.

Last weekend was great for many reasons. I went out and had some fun with friends i hadnt hung out with in months. I met a completely oblivious jackwagon, who unknowingly propelled me to write again (see my last post). I got to catch up with old co-workers that I hadnt seen in a couple of years. And best of all - I think I finally put this stall into perspective.

I felt like if I wasn't making headway (losing weight), I had no business writing this blog. If I wasnt working out, I had nothing to share. If I wasn't eating a healthy diet of lean protein and leafy greens, I should keep my trap shut. If I didn't decide I was going to get healthy, and accomplish that goal with unwavering precision, I didn't have anything people woJuld want to read.

But this weekend something dawned on me - - people who go from being extremely overweight to fit - with no set-backs, no stall-outs, no mini (or not-so-mini) hiatuses (or would it be hiat-I?) from their healthful endeavors - are very rare. There are the occasional machines who decide they're going to get healthy, and just do. But I think most people follow a similar path to mine - super-motivated, lose weight, lose some motivation, stall out, gain weight, get it back together, lose weight, gain weight, gain more weight, lose weight. Yo-yo dieting is a term for a reason. Why do you think all of these diet plans try and boast their "__% have kept the weight off for 2+ years!!!!" statistics? I'll tell you why - because it's fucking hard! Because looking at it as a diet is a recipe for disaster in the first place. Because we're human, and completely changing your life - even when you know it will be great for you, and you'll feel better - is not like flipping a switch. It's like a constant damn battle against your mind and your taste buds and the people in your life who can eat whatever they want and your laziness and your willingness to not fight for yourself and that bitch in your brain that keeps telling you you can't do it. It never ends. There are days where it's easier than others - where talking yourself into a workout is easy, and brussel sprouts sound delicious. But the ugly truth is, those days are few and far between - and they become fewer and farther the louder that bitch in your brain gets. And she can get rowdy!

But I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not the only one who struggles. Who feels like she's losing more days than she's winning. But who is also willing to lace up her shoes and continue to fight. Because I am worth it. And health is possible. And I have you guys. And so I'm going to write. And I'm going to be honest with you about what I'm going through. The good, the bad, and the (often) ugly. Because I know I'm not alone, and I know some of you can relate. And I hope you'll continue to stick with me, and enjoy my antics.

So let's do this shit, you guys. We can do this. We deserve to do this. And I'm going to be a baaaaad-ass bitch when this is all said and done. I'd love it if you'd join me.

The Return

Hello everyone! My apologies for my extended absence! I could get into the myriad of reasons for this too-long hiatus, but the simplest way of putting it is: I was dealing with a lot of shit - brought on by a series of errant personal and financial decisions. I was getting a big thumbs down from life for my efforts. I was feeling much less than inspiring - and didn't want to project my crap on to all of you. The good news is that I have got things turned around, and heading in a much more stable and workable direction. Basically - it's time to get this ship (and by ship, I mean swollen body and multiple FUPAs) moving full steam ahead!

Over the last couple of weeks I have gotten myself back to the gym on a regular basis. Today (Monday) I also did my weigh in for the 90-Day Weight Loss Challenge through my gym. There are a couple of friends and supporters of SDtS doing it also! I figure for $25 I can at a minimum have a slight incentive to get my rear to the gym, and stop hoovering crap - and if this is somehow, miraculously, the motivation I need - I could win a free gym membership for a year and a trip to a spa in California. What have I got to lose? So I am going to need you guys. I need you to comment on this blog, or write on our Facebook wall, or "Tweet" me on Twitter - with all of the things you are doing to be healthier. Did you exercise? Tell me about it. Did you choose veggies over chips? I'd love to hear about it! People doing positive things, and making healthy choices, inspires me to want to do the same. Plus, selfishly, I love hearing from all of you! It helps me want to do better than I have been. I need all of you. =)

So this morning I had my weigh in for the 90DWLC. I met with a personal trainer named Doug. Bless his heart - he is just no YC. While talking to him, he told me - and I am serious about this - that not only should I watch my carbs (I know this is true - but it is also sad. I LOVE my carbs, people!) - but he also told me I should watch my fruit and vegetable intake. If I want veggies, I should stick to dark leafy greens as much as possible - and when I do eat veggies, I should really have some protein with it. Really?!?! Now I can't just eat fruits and vegetables and trust I'm making a decent decision? Everything needs to be accompanied by protein? I told him that sounded like a nightmare, and probably wasn't going to happen, but I appreciated his input.

So off I go on the next chapter in the life of a girl just working on Slimming Down to Sexy....Eventually. 

What have you guys been up to while I was gone?

I'll Be Back....

Hello friends!

I just realized that the message I typed Monday morning didn't post. Excellent. I apologize for disappearing. I am taking this week off from blogging as I try to finish up some packing, and work on sticking to some sort of healthy routine! =) I'll be back Monday the 21st, and will be posting new updates on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I will also be updating the "Mission: Move Your Ass" page as often as I get updates, so make sure to check that out when you stop by!

Thank you all for sticking with me! I'll be back in a few days, and be back on my game!

Love, Natalie (& Remus)

the vent session

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I was a woman on a mission. I was working out, and eating well. There was no question as to how my days were going to be spent. I got up, had myself a nutritious and delicious breakfast and headed to the gym. I powered myself through a weight workout, and then did 30 minutes of cardio. I'd have a couple of good-for-me meals to round out my day - and that was about it. Predictable. Healthy. Good.

Then on Christmas Eve I took a day off. Then on Christmas Day I took another day off. But those were holidays. No problem, right? I got back home, and wasn't as focused as I was before my holiday break. I had a session with YC, and figured that would get me back on track. It didn't. The following week I had another session, but it still wasn't enough. Here I was, 2 weeks later - and I'd gone to the gym twice. TWICE!!

At that second session with YC I attempted to explain the unexplainable. I tried to explain how/why I had completely lost my motivation. How I had lost my gym mojo. On top of trying to explain something that I myself don't understand - I was trying to explain it to YC. A guy who is constantly working out. A guy who has probably never had two days in a row without working out, much less two weeks. Trying to explain it o him is when I realized just how much I don't understand it myself.

I know I feel better when I go to the gym. I know it is good for me. I know it is necessary to get to the goals I have set for myself. I understand all of these things. But for some reason that still doesn't appear to be enough to motivate me to go. What the hell is that about!?!? What causes this? I swear I have a short in my brain? Is there ever going to come a time where I don't have these lapses? Will there be a day where the switch is turned on, and it isn't a daily struggle/fight to get myself to gym? What is wrong with me? Seriously.

Until I figure out, or am diagnosed by a professional, I will continue to fight. I will continue to argue with myself during these spurts where I completely lack motivation. I will self-talk myself into getting to the gym, I will pray for that glorious day when it all comes together. When I don't have complete collapses in my desire to fight.

Because every day is a fight for me. A fight against laziness. A fight against pizza and burgers and french fries, and all of the other crap I love to eat. A fight to go to the gym. A fight to eat well. A fight against that person who only sat on her couch. A fight for the person I know I can be. A fight against the fear of failure that I have every day. A fight to believe in myself. A fight for the person who can inspire others to fight as well.

What are you fighting for?

Nothing Good

For the last 2 weeks, I could conduct a clinic on laziness. For the month or so before that - I was doing great. The gym was an automatic thing. I was feeling great. I was starting to see results. I was feeling mighty. I would even...dare I say it...look forward to my time at the gym. 

I went into Christmas with a plan. I lined up people to break me into the gym. I borrowed a card from another friend. I even got up after three hours of sleep one night to go to the gym. I knew it was a slippery slope. If I skipped one session, it is easier to skip another session. Before I know it...it is 2 weeks later!! (Like right now!)

Even with all of this planning, and even with all of the positives that my brain can absolutely remember - I have been sitting on my ass for two weeks. Two weeks. 14 days. Entirely too damn long.

I wish I could tell you why. Every night I make a plan for the next day. I have a list of things I am going to accomplish in my next 24 hours. There is no question that I will be eating well and going to the gym. It is on my schedule! I have my meals planned out. I have my shopping lists made. I have the gym worked in in the most efficient spot. There is no way I won't have success. I have a plan! But, sadly, planning is only half the battle.....

The morning comes. I struggle to talk myself into getting out of bed. On many of the days, I have even gone so far as to shower and dress for the gym. And that's where it all goes haywire. I think of something else I want to do. Somewhere else I want to go. Something else I want to eat. And my whole schedule gets flushed down the toilet. Quickly. 

I started out trying to fight the guilt. Trying to talk myself out of feeling bad for missing another day. Trying not to beat myself up for eating crap I shouldn't eat. But every day I would make the decision to be disappointed with myself, rather than just get my rear to the gym. Why? Not sure. But something had to be done. 

When I return to MN in March, I have numerous friends who belong to my gym. I am certain I can put them in charge of babysitting me when I hit these tough patches. Since I am currently by myself, I contacted YC and let him know I would be in need of some babysitting. I have an appointment with him Thursday morning, and will be setting 2-3 appointments with him for the next week or so...until I am once again capable of getting myself there.

The bright spot is, I have gotten a lot of knitting done. But there is no reason why I can't get to the gym, and still get some knitting done when I am finished. Time management. Yet another opportunity for improvement in 2011.

I hope you are all having a fantastic start to your year. I am going to work on catching up...starting right now!