Does anyone else have a life where it seems like when things are going well, everything is going well? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, you are eating well, you are exercising, your are financially sound, you have a job you can tolerate (most of the time)....life is like a box of chocolates. Fat free, counts as a vegetable, good-for-you chocolates.
When I am going to the gym, and simultaneously eating well, I feel like I've really got my crap together. That then translates into a high level of motivation to not only continue doing those things, but also write positive stuff for this blog, I feel unstoppable and capable of handling any crisis - and be really positive (like my genetically make up is mostly hearts and butterflies). Basically, I feel like I have the world by the balls. I think part of the problem is, During these periods, I get a little cocky.
Then, conversely, there is the state I am currently in. And any small misstep from my previously described "world domination mode" can land me right here in the middle of what I call "the circle of slack". The sun is not shining. The birds are not singing. It won't stop snowing. I don't want to eat well. I don't want to go to the gym. I have a hard time coming up with topics for my blog - I sometimes feel like I might need to change the name to "the never-ending whine". I am completely unmotivated, in every aspect of my life - and have spells where I feel bad putting that on you guys. I feel like my genetic make up is....whatever is the opposite of hearts and butterflies. I feel like the world had it's balls around my neck. (funny visual) It's a circle of negativity, and it just keeps going round and round and round. It is these times that I reprimand myself for ever getting cocky.
And the worst part is, I don't know how to pull out of it. I can make all the plans and goals in the world - but as I've explained, that tends to go the opposite of my intention. My goals are like my volleyball skills. I want the ball to go over the net, or to my teammate to set it up for the spike - but it tends to go the opposite direction, screwing me and all those around me in the process. And I don't think my 9 months of solitude is helping. This winter has been the hardest on me, in recent memory. Whether that is because I am actually in charge of dealing with each snow fall (because I am in charge of a house, not in an apartment where someone else has to deal with it) or because I am here...by myself...with no break from my own brain....whatever it is, this season is kicking my ass. I seriously wanted to yell at the sky to quit snowing the other day. See? I'm LOSING IT! (my mind, not my ass - so in the bad way!)
So this weekend I go home to move my stuff into my new home. Then I am back for 5 days, and I move back to MN for good. I think that in itself will help me start to claw my way out of the CoS. I have people there to have gym dates with. I get to play with my nieces (and eventually nephew when he gets a little older), and remind myself of how much more fun we can have when I get in shape. I can take my sister's dog for walks, which is really good for both of us. And I can continue to pray for spring and sunshine.
So friends in MN, be ready. I am going to need you guys. I'm coming back to world domination mode, and I'd like you to join me!
You are such fun. Your slack time is what my dad used to call having a sinkin spell. And I have found that for me fighting it doesn't work. But sometimes I can just go with it and decide on a time for it to be over. EG. I give in. But day after tomorrow I am up and onto the first thing on my list. Absolutely. Sometimes it works.
ReplyDeleteI am mentally in the same place. I've been spinning my tires in a Woodbury snow bank for what feels like months. Those few 40 degree days we had warmed the oven . . . but failed to ignite the fire under my backside.
ReplyDeletewe are seriously twins. i know exactly what you mean - when you're up you're really up and when you're down, well, its bad. im still learning how to balance both because neither extremes are healthy =)
ReplyDeleteSince we are all very familiar with CoS, all I can say is look at your phrasing: "I don't want to eat healthy, I don't want to go to the gym". But you DO go. It just sucks. Which means that your mind is still winning. Rather than saying "I'm in the CoS, so I haven't gone to the gym", you're saying you just don't like it as much. Which is effing VALID. Keep up the great work.
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