Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"The key to change... is to let go of fear." - Roseanne Cash

I didn't believe I was a person who lets their life be dictated by their fears.  I don't tend to process every shred of new information, and turn it into another thing to fear.  Other than my extremely rational fear of mice (kidding - I know it is ridiculous, but that makes it no less terrifying) I don't think there is a lot that I am afraid of.  I have told my sisters that "knowledge is their enemy".  One sister hears of a shark attack, and is certain our deaths are near if we go in the ocean.  The other sister is absolutely positive that jellyfish are just waiting for us to go into the water, so they can take us down.  I have fallen victim to (well - really everyone that saw this picture suffered) from their neurosis on our final family trip before Wendy got married.  We went to Jamaica, and my sisters wanted to document the beautiful view with a sister picture in the ocean.  The problem?  When you are certain all sea creatures are waiting to attack, you are unwilling to go in water above your ankles.  Seriously.  This is just fine when you are a size 0-4, and look cute in your bikini.  It is NOT so fine when you are a size....ummm...not 4, and you have to stand in all of your bathing-suited glory next to them and smile pretty.  It has given all of us a number of chuckles since then - but still makes me roll my eyes at those silly sisters and their fears.

Since signing up for my trek to FC - I have been trying to look at myself honestly and objectively, and figure out what my fears are.  I figure that if I put them out there for the world (or the 5 people who willingly subject themselves to my "blogging") to see - everyone can try and help me conquer them.  Are my fears the thing that has been holding me back?  The hard part about this list of fears, is that there isn't anything that is concrete.  I am not trying to be able to will myself to bravery when I see a rodent (which includes, but is not limited to: mice, rats, chipmunks and squirrels).  This is much more scary - - I am trying to overcome problems within myself.  The problem is me and my brain.  The things I let out, and I have been willing to talk about, are one thing.  They are totally normal (money, living situations, etc) issues that everyone deals with.  I am thinking that my major hurdles are emotional issues - and that isn't something I am so good with.  I am an emotional cripple.  I have issues with expressing myself.  I am dead inside.  And even though I have these short-comings, I have to figure out a way to deal with these things:

  1. Breaking out of the "I've tried this before, and it didn't work" mindset.  Let's face it.  I am not a moron - I get it.  Eat less pizza, burgers and fries - and eat more fruits and veggies.  Drink more water, than beer.  I have tried Weight Watchers and LA Weight Loss.  Everything works - IF YOU DO IT!  I get that.  And I have done it.  And it has worked.  And then I stop.  I have even come up with my own medical condition: self-destructive personality disorder.  I use it to describe this situation.  
  2. Managing Expectations : I am going away for four weeks.  I am leaving my family, friends, work - everything - for four weeks.  I only have to worry about myself (still so amazing that I get to do this - it just doesn't seem real, yet) for a month!  My fear is that people are expecting that I will come back after 4 weeks as a completely transformed individual.  I will be half my size, and nearly to my goal.  Even if I lose 10 pounds a week (OMG - could you even imagine!?!?  That would be so rad!) - that doesn't really make a dent.  On the average person, 40 pounds would be a ridiculously high amount to lose.  When you are as.... insulated (shout out to hibernating for the winter!) .... as I am, it is a really good start - but probably not anything that is going to make a shocking amount of difference regarding my appearance.  I am worried that the people allowing me to go, won't think I did enough with my time there - and that sucks.  
  3. My Biggest Fear: Sticking With It: I have done this before.  I have been struck by the rare medical condition: self-destructive personality disorder, in the past.  I have gained back every pound I have lost, and then some (and by some, I mean a LOT of some).  I have chosen the path of least resistance (my couch) over working at a healthy lifestyle.  I have chosen dormancy over movement.  I have chosen easy over healthy.  The most exercise I was getting was from Knitting - and that doesn't really get your heart rate up!  I have chosen laziness over working.
Despite the things I have listed above - I am optimistic.  I am feeling really ready for this experience, and the changes it is going to bring.  I want to live a better life, and I am ready to grab fitness by the balls. (just seeing if you were paying attention)  I am ready to choose activity over inactivity.  I am ready to choose me over my couch.  I am ready.......  


  1. You definitely have a knack for writing. I'm so excited for you and can't wait to read your updates! You are a ROCKSTAR!!!

  2. You know you can do it and you are ready. Believe in yourself and all the great things you are going to do when you can conquer this. Remember that it's not only for you, but for those of us that had the 'love intervention'. You are certainly capable of much bigger things than this and you will do this. It won't be easy - some days you will fail, but you pick it back up when you can. We're all here to help you. Love ya!


Please share! Or email me at: slimmingdowntosexy@gmail.com