Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Fear

I admit it. I tend to watch a lot of weightloss shows. The Biggest Loser, Thintervention and DietTribe to name a few. The only one currently on is BL. I spend half of the show annoyed - because Ali and Jillian tend to drive me bonkers. Ali because....well - she just does. I can't point to any one thing. Jillian because the volume of yelling she does bothers me. The fact that she then tries to instantly switch into a shrink, and wants to talk feelings - just bugs me. But still I tune in...every week.  

As a morbidly obese (good Lord, I hate that term!) person, I find it fascinating. I spend a large amount of my viewing time just being grateful that I am not there, and don't have to do those workouts. I can just picture Jillian standing in front of my treadmill yelling "RUN BITCH!!" at me until I go flying off the back of it! But I think anyone that is as big as me would agree - this show gives us hope. I see that they are eating well, and exercising...and WOW do they exercise. These people lose 100+ pounds in 3 months! Sure...I could walk a 5K when I got back from FC, but these guys run a marathon after like 4-6 months!

So I was watching this week's episode, and got kind of choked up. The trainers took the contestants outside for a (completely staged and not at all relaxed) talk about when they go home. What is their plan, what are their fears, what are their questions. It just took me back to my feelings before I left FC - and how much I have completely failed at times since I left. I was so ready to go by the time I was leaving - and I was still riding the high of my success at FC - that I got cocky. Like "whatever - I don't like french fries or pizza, and I may never want or need to eat them again". Oh how foolish I can be. 

One of the contestants talked about how nervous he was that he would go back to eating nothing but crap, and secretly going through the drive-thru. I wanted to tell him - magically through the TV and his pre-recorded program - that those are very valid concerns. I was so sure when I left FC that I would just roll right down to my ideal weight - and I didn't. I had to take a hiatus from healthy living from about the middle of June through the middle of October. 

I have gotten myself back on track. I am eating very well the majority of the time, and I am doing very well with getting my exercise in - but I still have the fear. Pizza and french fries still call to me - almost daily. On occasion I give in. But what if I can't get myself on track? What if I can't keep the giving in to "occasionally"? What if I just completely stop exercising? What if I allow myself to go back to my old lifestyle of sitting and eating, and sitting and eating? What if....the fear becomes a reality?

The rational side of my brain knows that I can't worry about "what ifs"- but the fear of going back to that girl I used to be is always there. I haven't lost nearly as much weight as I thought I would by this time. I even gained some back. But I am actively doing something about it. I am committed to going to the gym, and working out. I am making an effort to eat healthy foods, low in sodium, and lots of fruits and veggies. I feel 1000 times better than I did a year ago. I may fall of track again, but I believe I will also get myself back on it. I know I won't let the fear win.  


  1. Nat,

    There will come a time after you have been away from all that crap ie processe pizza french fries ect. That you will not even like that taste of those foods any more. I know it sounds crazy just keep eating clean. Make all of your favorites home made. Resturants are evil they promote failure and some lie about what they are really serving you. Get a craving for french fries no problem slice up a potatoe and toss it in a little olive oil and put the oven on 45o and bake for 10 to 15 mins. delish! douse them in ketchup if you want the calories you saved in fat you could'nt even eat that much ketchup! You know that guy I told you about that was a dream traveler? Well he lost his battle he died and I miss him. I still do extra excersises at that gym just to send him a little energy or sign that I miss him. He really taught me alot about compassion and being non judgemental. There are so many people that die from obesity it is unbearable to think about. That is why I am so greatfull to you. You also are another source of hope and energy that keep people like us in the fight for life! Sincerely lisa.

  2. What if....the fear becomes a reality?

    It will not become a reality because you don't want that version of reality. Keep it up babe. You are inspiring us all. Lots of love x

  3. Thanks for this breakdown! Managing sodium can be crazy tricky. It's a really sneaky thing to be on the lookout for. Great article babes!

  4. Ugh! I posted the last comment in the wrong place. The internet is NOT my friend today. Glad I noticed, because this post rocks too! Jillian would make me cry also. :)

    Forgive the copy and pasting for the last comment! Gonna put it where it belonged in the first place. Bah!

    Great stuff though! Loving this blog. :)


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